How can I make this relationship manageable without abandoning an unwell partner

[Farfarfromhere]

I am hoping for some advice on my relationship.

We have been together since I was 18. I turned 28 yesterday. He is 5 years older.

Due to some severe mental health issues, he has not worked properly for around 2 years. I work over 70 hours a week, to support us both as we have a large mortgage. I also do the housework.

Our relationship is mostly good. We do fight, but this tends to be when he has a dip in his mental health.

In the past there has been some abuse, a small amount physical, but this has not happened for over a year, and have also occured during severe mental health episodes.

I am beginning to feel very unfulfilled in my life. We live in a big house, just the two of us, which is something he wanted (and was manageable with two wages). I have always been content with much less.

We have no children and are engaged. I suppose I have always assumed that we would get married and have children, but this is not going to be possible if his health does not improve.

I really struggle when he has these episodes, as I am left dealing with the stress of work (our own business), and not able to talk to anyone about it.

We don't talk about our feelings, and the only time we touch each other is during sex.

I feel like due to his illness he is reliant on me, and I can't leave him. Before he was unwell we had a more loving relationship.

I feel like we are roommates, or collegues. I dont honestly think he loves me, and I don't know if I'm in love with him anymore.

I am 28, and I want a family and to live abroad for a bit, and I feel like my life is just coasting along. I don't really know what to do.

Before I met him I was really independant, I moved out very young. But now we have to eat tea at the same time every day, and most days have to climb into bed in the dark because I finish work late. It is all so rigid and there seems to be no freedom, I can't just take myself away on a weekend to meet a friend.

I don't want to abandom someone who is ill, he has no one else.

I have planned and tried to leave 8 or 9 times but I can never go through with it. I don't know whats wrong with me.

I don't think I will end the relationship, but I would appreciate ways to make my life manageble.

You may be able NOW to work 70 hours a week, but what about when you have kids or when you are older? I agree this is a heartbreaking post. My dd is your age. YOUR life is important and valuable.

Comfortable? Where??

What treatment is he getting for his illness? When will he back to work?

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Who taught you to be codependent?. Was your parent’s relationship at all similar?.

You met this man when you were 18. You were very young and had no life experience behind you. He probably represented safety or stability to you but it has turned out to be a false dawn. It is ok to leave and you only have to give yourself permission to go. No medals are handed out for staying.

It’s your life but you really do not have to sacrifice your own needs and wants on his altar. And as for describing your life now as a comfortable life I would state that denial is a powerful force. There has also been violence so for that reason too this dysfunctional relationship should be over. Why are you lying to yourself re him?. Is that more palatable to you than the truth?.

How can you marry him knowing what you do ?.. If you did marry him you will end up divorcing him. He is merely dragging you down with him and he will
continue to do so . Love your own self for a change.

I would also look at removing yourself from the joint business.

You state he has no one else: is that really the case?. He managed before you came along and he will do so again. What are you getting out of this relationship?Being a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship never works and you’re being both here. It is costing you very dearly and that price is not worth paying.

This is no way to live your precious life, it’s a half life and you deserve a full life. You owe him nothing, please put yourself first, you deserve nothing less.

If having children is part of your life plan then you need to leave and move on with your life as sadly it sounds as though this man is too unwell to function as a father.

I didn’t get any further once I read there’s been physical abuse. You cannot stay with anyone ever if there has been. Plan on leaving asap.

Best of luck. You are going to need it. Your choice.

Working 70 hours a week, coming home to a dirty house and not much hope for the future doesn't seem very comfortable. Your partner wanted a big house but expects you to spend literally the best years of your life working for it. Maybe think about what you want out of life?

You leave this abuser. You stop using his mental health as an excuse for his abuse of you. Do you think that he'd have been physically abusive if he was living with Frank Bruno? Of course he wouldn't, which tells you that him hitting you was something he could choose not to do.

You leave. His health is not your problem to fix.

👏👏👏
Exactly this.

The occasional good days are something called "breadcrumbing", where he gives you just enough nice treatment to stop you from leaving.

I'd be depressed if I was with such a loser too.

Men are 600x more likely to leave sick partners than women. Don’t waste your best years on this. You’ve given it your best shot. There are no medals for sacrificing yourself.

I don't intend to be horrible as I feel for you but this sounds like a classic enabling situation- you're basically doing everything for him and as it stands he has no reason to change. The arrangement suits him perfectly. He has a roof over his head, a partner who does everything for him, and probably regular sex as well. He doesn't have to take responsibility for anything does he?

Only you can change this op. He won't change. Have a read about codependency and enabling in relationships. You deserve better.

I'm going to guess he hasn't sought help with the meds he needs and the psychiatric care he needs. If he isn't doing anything to help himself, doesn't that clearly show he could care less about being a good partner to you? A loving partner wants to make your life easier, not harder. But lets say he was a man who truly loved you. If he did, he would release you when he saw that his mental health was hurting you to the extent it does. Yes, he would do that self-sacrificing. But your man is okay with the status quo.

There are some people, whether it be how they were raised, or that they patterned themselves off of a mentor, or decide on their own for whatever reason to be nurturing to their own detriment. Yes, it's good to care for those we love, but if you are self-sabotaging and being a sacrificial lamb and putting an undeserving partner's needs before your own for a lifetime, that's not loving yourself.

You have to have your own back. There are no do-overs in life. You must build the life you want, even if it upsets another person who is an adult and will have to figure things out on his own.

Are you close to your parents? A sibling? A cousin? A close friend? Have some brain-storming sessions with them to get advice on how to leave him in the least stressful way possible.

When you get some distance from him, you'll realize how little he really cares for you and your well-being.

Ffs please do not waste your life. He wont improve. He has been abusive. He is controlling you now. You are walking on eggshells. Get the house on the market and go abroad. Dont wait any longer to start living.

A comfortable life???
Your life sounds awful. 70hrs work a week, a man you don’t touch who has assaulted you, you do the housework, he brings nothing positive. No, this is not normal, this is no life at 28. Thank goodness you’re not married. You can have a full and happy life.

Please, please leave. Leave and never look back. He will drain away weeks, months and years of your life and steal your joy and everything that makes you you. And he will NEVER appreciate what you are sacrificing to stay.

Like @TeaChocKitKat I stayed. Our lives revolved around his mood swings, his mental health, his physical health, his dramas, and I did everything in my power to make it all okay. He was 'only' mildly abusive at first, and it was all down to his mental health, and he was always very sorry. Or suicidal, so we had another crisis to get through, and I had another reason I couldn't go and we built a life on those fragile foundations.

I stayed long enough to have a longed-for child and to see him turn mild abuse into terrifying behaviour overnight, the moment we got home from the hospital, because he wasn't the centre of the universe. But it was his mental health, you see, and then he was suicidal, and so I stayed...By then, there was barely anything left of me to take away. And I thought my DD deserved a happy home life with a dad she loved. I was deluded. She didn't have that. We never had that.

We do now because 5 years ago, he gave up scaring me and tried to scare her to get to me. Just once. And it broke the spell. He has never set foot in our home since. But I wasted nearly 29 years of my life - my entire adult life from the age of 16 - and seriously damaged my bond with my precious girl, trying to put him and his relationship with her first. It has taken such a long time for us to heal. Please don't make the same mistakes. You deserve to live your precious life. Run x

OP this is sad to read. You're 28 and you want children, instead you're giving up your chance to be a mum by staying with this loser who has assaulted you and adds nothing to your life. Please, please leave.

You are the living epitome of the saying "Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm".

By staying you will not acheive your life's ambitions and he won't even pause to acknowledge this let alone thank you. The relationship has died - it's time to move on.

And please remember the only amount of physical abuse acceptable is none. That's none, zero, nada, nothing, zilch. He lost any right to compassion from you the first time he laid hands on you. No excuses.

I strongly urge you to seek counselling for yourself - don't necessarily take the first one offered, you need a good fit with a counseller to get the best experience. Start to imagine what it would be like to live by yourself, to go out with friends, to drop everything at the weekend and go to the coast as the weather forecast is good. Heavens above just to eat dinner at 9pm.

The second thing I would strongly urge you to do, is to take legal advice on selling the house and the business. Decisions are best made with as much information as possible so go out there and get the best legal advice you can afford

I’m sorry but you absolutely must leave.

At the very least get counselling if you can't yet summon up the strength to leave.

You are young. Don’t waste your life.

You won’t get a special badge in Heaven if you stay.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” Mary Oliver

I've got a friend in a similar relationship. She turned 50 recently. He has dragged her life down so far and she's been in this relationship for nearly 20 years. He hasn't worked for 15 years, yet he dictates where they live. Its somewhere rural, so her commute is 1.5 hours each way and he doesn't drive. She spends a 15 hour day between working & commuting, then comes home and cooks dinner and does the cleaning. Like you, she never had kids because she knew it wasn't tenable in her situation. He's not diagnosed with anything and he refuses to get diagnosed. I suspect autism or depression given the things she's said, I suspect the same for yours.

Is this really what you want your life to turn out like? You don't owe this bloke anything, yet you are wasting your one precious life on him. Please, please find the strength to leave him. He's been physically abusive to you and is ruining your life. It's up to him to get his depression treated and sort himself out. Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

His mental health issues are not your responsibility. The relationship isn’t working and it would be best for both of you to split. It would hopefully kick start a better life for him too.

Treat this post as the first step you have made to doing it differently this time. There are stats on how many times it takes women to try and leave before they finally do and I think it’s seven times. So it’s time now.

You are not selfish. You are young and grew up in this situation and are a different person now. You work hard and are building equity in a house you will have to give half of to someone who doesn’t show care for you. Time to cut your losses.

Can you retain the business that you ‘share’ without him? Can you afford a flat on your own? You can do this.