How can I make this relationship manageable without abandoning an unwell partner

[Farfarfromhere]

I am hoping for some advice on my relationship.

We have been together since I was 18. I turned 28 yesterday. He is 5 years older.

Due to some severe mental health issues, he has not worked properly for around 2 years. I work over 70 hours a week, to support us both as we have a large mortgage. I also do the housework.

Our relationship is mostly good. We do fight, but this tends to be when he has a dip in his mental health.

In the past there has been some abuse, a small amount physical, but this has not happened for over a year, and have also occured during severe mental health episodes.

I am beginning to feel very unfulfilled in my life. We live in a big house, just the two of us, which is something he wanted (and was manageable with two wages). I have always been content with much less.

We have no children and are engaged. I suppose I have always assumed that we would get married and have children, but this is not going to be possible if his health does not improve.

I really struggle when he has these episodes, as I am left dealing with the stress of work (our own business), and not able to talk to anyone about it.

We don't talk about our feelings, and the only time we touch each other is during sex.

I feel like due to his illness he is reliant on me, and I can't leave him. Before he was unwell we had a more loving relationship.

I feel like we are roommates, or collegues. I dont honestly think he loves me, and I don't know if I'm in love with him anymore.

I am 28, and I want a family and to live abroad for a bit, and I feel like my life is just coasting along. I don't really know what to do.

Before I met him I was really independant, I moved out very young. But now we have to eat tea at the same time every day, and most days have to climb into bed in the dark because I finish work late. It is all so rigid and there seems to be no freedom, I can't just take myself away on a weekend to meet a friend.

I don't want to abandom someone who is ill, he has no one else.

I have planned and tried to leave 8 or 9 times but I can never go through with it. I don't know whats wrong with me.

I don't think I will end the relationship, but I would appreciate ways to make my life manageble.

PS. He abandoned you first.

I have a friend who was in this position. Met him slightly later but still very young. Took her years to accept that she needed to leave him. She did and she's flying. He's been in and out of hospital and has had a failed marriage (with someone who theoretically knew what she was getting into in that she knew about the mental health issues when they got together). The reality is his health means he is going to struggle to maintain a relationship and my friend was just the first one to find that out.

No one is obliged to stay with anyone. You could leave him because you're embarrassed by his coffee order if you want. Obviously you care about him and it's hard but you are so young.

You got together at 18. That's so young. You haven't signed up to some deal that means you have to give up your life to support his. And mental health issues is not an excuse for abuse. Abuse is abuse.

I know you won't feel it's as simple as that. It's going to take time to get your head round this and having the response you've had on here can be very hard. Try to take your time and breathe - you don't need to make a decision today. But do listen (maybe come back to the thread later).

It sounds far from a comfortable life and you are far too young to bury yourself like this with your only priority a man’s mental health. Downsize on the house, and start making some time to yourself- go out for a few hours every weekend. Don’t give him a choice, say I can’t sustain a house this size, and nor can you. Say I need some time for me. Practice voicing your needs.
next - this business. You’re very entrenched if the job is a joint business as well. Let’s say you were given no choice but to exit it within 6 months - would you sell it? Close it down? What could you do next? The joint business needs to go. If you love it, you could also consider taking it over but you might need to buy him out? If you love it, going into something similar might be a better bet for your wellbeing.

Leave. No other way.

Yes you can leave him. Don’t waste your life, especially on someone who has been physically abusive. This isn’t going to get any better.

If you do not leave him you will spend many many years bitterly regretting the wasted time and opportunity.
leave, live the life you want to.

So many questions....

• are you prepared to give up having children for this man, as if he can't look after himself I doubt he will look after children very well.
• what is he doing to improve his mental health?
• why can't he do housework?
• has he tried different jobs?

Honestly, I do not think this man is going to give your a very fulfilling life and I wouldn't definitely not consider it 'giving up a comfortable life'. It sounds far from comfortable.

You have tried for two years op and this situation is not sustainable. You describe your life as “comfortable” but is it really?

In that time has he made any serious attempts to help himself?

Is he too ill to do a bit of the housework while you are at work?

Please consult a lawyer about the house and the business. Get your ducks in a row.

You deserve a happy marriage and children.

I understand that you don’t want to let down someone with mh difficulties but you should have left the very first time he became physically abusive. Please ask yourself, why is it your job to consider him, when he is not considering you? Plus you deserve a happy marriage and children. Given your age, you cannot hesitate.

Edited to say: once you leave, you may even find that he suddenly begins to recover!

You have so many potential futures.

Which one do you want to create for yourself? What's important to you?

Where will you be in 5 years time?

Does your future include your business? In the future, is the business soley yours? Do you work for someone else? Follow a different career?

This house or another one? Is the new house close by? In the countryside? Abroad? By the sea? Does it have a younger family living with you? Who's in your family?

You don’t need all the answers right now. It's ok to be unsure.

And in 10 years? Is 10 years too much of a leap? Or exciting?

What do you want to have changed in the next year? Can you achieve it by then? How?

Best of luck, OP.

You can plan something, and it might never work out. But if you don't plan at all, you'll keep on coasting.

So... what would you like? Where would you like to go? Keep it moving forward with positivity.

Can you tell your partner your plans? If you can and he shares them, how can he help you achieve them? If you can't, why not?

You dont need to answer any of these questions to me. They are for you to answer for yourself. But I hope they are helpful prompts. Best of luck.

Leave! You're going to regret wasting more of your youth on this man.

Op I know this isn’t what you want to hear but please, you need to get therapy for yourself to work out why you’re staying in this abuser/ rescuer dynamic. As soon as things got physical you should have gone to the police.
My partner has severe mental health issues on and off over the years (Inc. hospital treatment and self harm) He is medicated and looks after himself as best he can so he is able to work and be a decent partner. Your life sounds wholly miserable and you’re not even 30 yet - it’s daunting but you have time to change things.

It doesn’t sound like a comfortable life it sounds miserable. You live with a man who expects you to do everything and pay for everything, who treats you poorly and blames his mh.

it is absolutely fair that you leave, you can’t bring kids into this situation and why should you miss out. You get one life you deserve yours. And actually if you leave it may force him to work on his mh so both your lives will improve. But either way you deserve better.

28 and no kids. It’s not supposed to be like this. It shouldn’t and will not continue like this - decide that first and foremost.

The physical aspect is really concerning, however much it’s related to his mental health. If he has no capacity to control this, then you cannot stay. If he is choosing not to control this, then you cannot stay.

It's not a comfortable life though.

You're unfulfilled in almost every aspect of life.

He actually contributes nothing to your life and won't.

I don't want to abandom someone who is ill you can't repeatedly set yourself on fire to keep him warm either.

In the past there has been some abuse, a small amount physical, but this has not happened for over a year, and have also occured during severe mental health episodes.

You are allowed to leave him. You are allowed to keep yourself safe.

Do you genuinely feel like you shouldn't or are you scared of the judgement of others?

You're the same age as my eldest (well, he's 27). I would not want him to be in a relationship like this.

I would not think it was his duty to stay and care for someone in this situation.

I don't know anyone who would judge him for it.

I wouldn't stay with someone like this either.

Occasional good days (which are probably most peoples normal days at best) is not enough.

Not as bad as this but the drive to want to have children and build a decent family gave me the strength to leave a long term boyfriend at 28. In my heart of hearts I knew he was not father material (violent temper when drunk) but did have other good qualities. It was the drive to want to build a family that gave me the push I needed.

Met an amazing man the following year and have my dream family. Grateful everyday for the choice made by the 28 year old me

It's worrying you can't go away for a weekend with a friend, is that because you are working all the time in your business or does he make you feel like shit for going out without him, if so he's a nasty controlling bastard.

Pretty unanimous here op isn’t it?

I knpwnthat when you're stuck in a situation like this, it can be hard to se the wood for the trees.

You've already said something about how younger you saw your life panning out. It wasn't this. Think back to 18 year old you, 10 year old you, the tiny baby your parents had all the hopes and dreams in the world for.

Is this the life anyone wanted for that little girl?

You're allowed to have the life you imagined.

Jesus.... stop throwing your life away on this AWFUL man.
Do you really think he'd stay with you for ONE hot minute if he worked over 70 hours a week and did all the housework while you sat on your arse????

Wake the fuck up.
Yes, it feels hard and scary.
Change feels hard and scary for everyone.

Find your anger and just do it.
Break up and list the hosue for sale.
Move into a spare room and just get it done.
Accept it will be a bad 3 months or whatever... but who cares its bad now? And at the end of thst 3 months things will actually improve (unlike if you stay)

Stop wasting money energy and your life force on this miserable relationship.

You are ONLY 28 - you have several "lives" ahead of you. My life at 40 was was inconceivable to me at your age.

I would also flag health issues due to stress start surfacing for most people in their early 30s. 70hrs pw for his dream house is not sustainable - he (and you) area risking your health...

Exactly this.

Also when you split up and move on he will vanish. I had two serious relationships no longer in touch they are gone. Know nothing about where they are or what they are doing and could not care less. Mean zero to me. You are giving up your life and future for someone who in 18 months can be a stranger again.

Some women who stick with early boyfriends don’t seem to understand that you are allowed to dump people!

How long has he been ill OP and what steps has he taken to help himself? Has he seen his GP? Got meds. Having therapy? If the answer to those is no, then he's not going to improve.

I too am intrigued what he does all day?

You've been in this relationship all your adult life and it's all you know, so I can understand why leaving would seem scary. However, if you remain, you can wave goodbye to having a family. Working 70hr weeks and doing all the housework is bad enough, but all the parenting would be yours too probably, and all together, that's not sustainable. You're young enough at the moment to restart your life. You've already said you don't think you love each other, so don't stay through guilt. This is not a comfortable life and the ongoing stress of managing everything yourself will make you ill. Please give this a lot more thought.

Can anyone imagine this scenario with the sexes reversed? Because I can’t.

If you are depressed it's almost certainly because of the situation.

You have been a hugely supportive partner. Leaving now doesn't change that.

For the love of god, go

If you had a daughter, is this the life you would wish for her? Only "some" physical abuse and slaving away 70hrs pw to come home to a dirty house?

Look I get it. I also met my ex very young and you kind of think - well this is it, I would never find someone else. Better the devil you know. There were and are good times as well.

But I thank myself every day for eventually leaving. It took me a few more years than you. I don't regret my lovely children but I wish I'd had them with someone better. Don't be me. You're only 28 - you have years ahead of you.

You do not have to live like this.