How can I make this relationship manageable without abandoning an unwell partner

[Farfarfromhere]

I am hoping for some advice on my relationship.

We have been together since I was 18. I turned 28 yesterday. He is 5 years older.

Due to some severe mental health issues, he has not worked properly for around 2 years. I work over 70 hours a week, to support us both as we have a large mortgage. I also do the housework.

Our relationship is mostly good. We do fight, but this tends to be when he has a dip in his mental health.

In the past there has been some abuse, a small amount physical, but this has not happened for over a year, and have also occured during severe mental health episodes.

I am beginning to feel very unfulfilled in my life. We live in a big house, just the two of us, which is something he wanted (and was manageable with two wages). I have always been content with much less.

We have no children and are engaged. I suppose I have always assumed that we would get married and have children, but this is not going to be possible if his health does not improve.

I really struggle when he has these episodes, as I am left dealing with the stress of work (our own business), and not able to talk to anyone about it.

We don't talk about our feelings, and the only time we touch each other is during sex.

I feel like due to his illness he is reliant on me, and I can't leave him. Before he was unwell we had a more loving relationship.

I feel like we are roommates, or collegues. I dont honestly think he loves me, and I don't know if I'm in love with him anymore.

I am 28, and I want a family and to live abroad for a bit, and I feel like my life is just coasting along. I don't really know what to do.

Before I met him I was really independant, I moved out very young. But now we have to eat tea at the same time every day, and most days have to climb into bed in the dark because I finish work late. It is all so rigid and there seems to be no freedom, I can't just take myself away on a weekend to meet a friend.

I don't want to abandom someone who is ill, he has no one else.

I have planned and tried to leave 8 or 9 times but I can never go through with it. I don't know whats wrong with me.

I don't think I will end the relationship, but I would appreciate ways to make my life manageble.

It's time to put the house on the market and split up.

Give him a deadline to sort his head out and get back to work.

Phone the EAs today.
Get them booked.
Get 3 quotes.
Pick a EA in the next 2 weeks or better yet put it on with all of them....

Then see a solicitor and understand what will happen and how you can force a sale if and when he wants to refuse reasonable offers because "the house is worth more we should wait"

Someone, I assume a man, has sent me a private message advising me to stay with my partner, but 'have some fun' on the side with them, as they have a 'good body'.
Things like this make you wonder what the point is in leaving, as you might as well be with a man who doesnt really love you, if the other option is men like this, and how could you ever know.

UGH! I am so sorry, OP.

Hey YOU, you foul creep, preying on sad women: crawl back under your rock, you misbegotten dirtbag.

OP, I think you can report him to MN headquarters.

And no, not all men are like that. In any case, it's better to be alone than living the twilight life you're living now.

Report that private message to mumsnet if you have not already done so. You can also block that poster on the pm function.

Not all men are that sleazy or like your man: a man who does not love you. You don’t love him either. There are many decent men out there and you can’t tar them all with the same brush. You are merely existing currently to be your mans rescuer and or saviour but neither approach works as you are seeing.

Im so sorry! I was with my ex from my mid 20s until early 40s. I kept hoping his mental health would get better and, what I now know was abuse would stop. It didnt. It got worse. I met someone lovely after I finally found the courage to leave, we have just got married ans are hoping to adopt (child bearing years now gone). There is light at the end of the tunnel, don't be me and waste nearly 20 years on a man like this x

OP look at this as a health thing. Your health.

His MH issues are affecting your mental health.

What's the answer? Take away what is causing it. You have put up with this for long enough.

You are very, very young. It is early in the seasons of your life. It is absolutely ok to leave this chapter behind.

Have you been in therapy to identify what it is that’s stopping you leaving? Is it that you hope for children and worry you won’t find another partner in the timescale of your biological clock? All I would say about that is the frustrations you have within your relationship now is will be massively amplified with children involved (AND if there’s a history of DV that’s more like to come to the fore again too)

When you imagine yourself at 45, who are you? Where are you? Who is with you?

So sorry that you have had to endure thst at what is a very difficult time for you with big decisions to be made. Please report.
I have noticed a few replies recently from men who seem to be injecting themselves more on here.
Please start the ball rolling as regards your relationship. Presumably he is getting support for his mental health. It is time you focused on yourself. Start by getting some counselling as 10 years is a lot to unravel. Good luck.

Sounds like you feel stuck in this relationship because you’ve become a co-dependent enabler. Selling the house sounds like a good catalyst to change your life for the better.

Please leave you are far to young to be a carer like this. You will end up hating or resenting him and wasting your life on someone who ultimately is not your responsibility. You should also leave because it’s an unhealthy relationship at your age and a sad existence you may also be enabling him in his behaviours,

Do not let this be your life for the next 50 years!

Yuck!

They're not all like that. I'm fairly certain. Shame on those who are though, really.

That’s good to start.

I’d suggest packing up stuff carefully so your stuff is in boxes with your name on the outside - and put into storage, and move into a small rented flat that you can easily leave.

Whats the point?

You coukd live abroad as you said you always wanted to.

Have weekends away with friends.

Dont use a message from some sad little wanker, as an excuse to stop you living a full life.

Im so sorry! I was with my ex from my mid 20s until early 40s. I kept hoping his mental health would get better and, what I now know was abuse would stop. It didnt. It got worse. I met someone lovely after I finally found the courage to leave, we have just got married ans are hoping to adopt (child bearing years now gone). There is light at the end of the tunnel, don't be me and waste nearly 20 years on a man like this x

Or she's in an abusive relationship. Please let's try and support the OP here.

Dear OP so many people here want a better life for you. From being a ( very young) partner you are now an unpaid carer. And not by your choice. This is not your fault and it is not your responsibility either- please don’t blame yourself or feel you have to stay because he is ill.
I can’t see how what you’ve described is a “comfortable life”. It is a prison. You are grateful that he is no longer physically violent?? And he has “ some good days”?? That’s it? Poor mental health is not a reason or justification for violence.
You deserve so much more.
You need support in real life OP. What really worries me is your tone of hopelessness. You DO have choices. Just list the things you want from life- children, friends, travel. Love. All perfectly reasonable things. Focus on these positives.
None of those are possible or even desirable with this man.
As many posters have pointed out, this man has no reason to change- you are working for him, cleaning for him, providing sex for him, paying for his home. Fantastic! Why would he even want change? He doesn’t love you- you are of use to him. Like a servant. You say you are engaged but the reality is he doesn’t love you and is using you. This is no basis for a future together.
A huge positive is you do not have children. You can walk away. Quit the business, sell the house, rent, live with parents or friends for a bit… time to think about your options.
Can you talk to family, friends, even Women’s Aid please? (And I’m so sorry you had a creep DM you- very off putting. )
You do have agency, you can create a better future for yourself. Please remove yourself from this awful situation.

Jesus wept op. This does not need to be your life and believe me if you stay, you’ll sacrifice the best years of your life then leave him anyway. It seems expensive and a lot just now but it’ll be so much easier to get out now. Please go live your life, you do not owe this man a carer. And poor mental
health is NO EXCUSE for abuse

I also went the other way and married the guy, wasted 20 years please don’t do it

No that isnt the alternative ffs. Get therapy is the alternative. Question why you make these choices.

There are a lot of shit men and there is a lot of blaming women for men’s behaviour and for picking those men. BUT. You already know that yours is a bit shit. Don’t lose your determination now. And no man is better than a dead weight man.