How can I make this relationship manageable without abandoning an unwell partner

[Farfarfromhere]

I am hoping for some advice on my relationship.

We have been together since I was 18. I turned 28 yesterday. He is 5 years older.

Due to some severe mental health issues, he has not worked properly for around 2 years. I work over 70 hours a week, to support us both as we have a large mortgage. I also do the housework.

Our relationship is mostly good. We do fight, but this tends to be when he has a dip in his mental health.

In the past there has been some abuse, a small amount physical, but this has not happened for over a year, and have also occured during severe mental health episodes.

I am beginning to feel very unfulfilled in my life. We live in a big house, just the two of us, which is something he wanted (and was manageable with two wages). I have always been content with much less.

We have no children and are engaged. I suppose I have always assumed that we would get married and have children, but this is not going to be possible if his health does not improve.

I really struggle when he has these episodes, as I am left dealing with the stress of work (our own business), and not able to talk to anyone about it.

We don't talk about our feelings, and the only time we touch each other is during sex.

I feel like due to his illness he is reliant on me, and I can't leave him. Before he was unwell we had a more loving relationship.

I feel like we are roommates, or collegues. I dont honestly think he loves me, and I don't know if I'm in love with him anymore.

I am 28, and I want a family and to live abroad for a bit, and I feel like my life is just coasting along. I don't really know what to do.

Before I met him I was really independant, I moved out very young. But now we have to eat tea at the same time every day, and most days have to climb into bed in the dark because I finish work late. It is all so rigid and there seems to be no freedom, I can't just take myself away on a weekend to meet a friend.

I don't want to abandom someone who is ill, he has no one else.

I have planned and tried to leave 8 or 9 times but I can never go through with it. I don't know whats wrong with me.

I don't think I will end the relationship, but I would appreciate ways to make my life manageble.

Yes! Exactly this! You can legitimately leave someone solely on the grounds that you want dc but they have proven themselves not to be good parenting material and that’s enough of a reason to go,

Especially if he has been abusive in the past op. You are quite right not to introduce dc in to this marriage as children test your relationship and the stress ramps up when working and parenting. Besides, when would you have time in your current situation?

You need to have children with a “safe” man and although no one can help having mh problems, because of them, he needs to focus on himself and getting better atm and he has proved himself to be abusive under stress, so the timing is not right for you.

Women are ruled by a fertility clock and you can leave because the timing is not right and he will need a long time to grow in to a good father and that isn’t going to happen quickly plus you can’t risk it because of the abuse.

I empathise with you because I’m currently in therapy too, working on my own codependency.
You’re asking how to make it more manageable because you’re not ready to leave yet. I think the best place to start is with small steps. Start thinking about what you like and what might make you a little happier. Maybe take up a hobby, go to a fitness class (even if it’s only once a week), or buy yourself a nice tea that’s just for you. I know it may sound a bit dismissive and first but little things like that can help you start thinking about you, and what you want. I know how everything can seem “fine”, and then one day you realise you don’t even know who you are anymore or what you enjoy because everything has revolved around him and his mental health for so long.
I also found journalling incredibly helpful. Just start writing down what happened each day and how it made you feel. (I use an app called Obsedian for this, but I am sure there are plenty of apps out there). I started noticing really clear patterns that I couldn’t see before. For example, I realised that my partner’s depressive episodes seemed to happen every time I showed even the slightest bit of independence. I don’t think I would have noticed that without journalling, I thought he is just very insecure and depressed, but I couldn't see this pattern.. I realised that deep down, he genuinely believed I was there to take care of him.He would never actually say that out loud, but that’s how he behaves.
I really think you should start learning about codependency, even if you’re not ready to leave. It will hopefully help you begin setting healthier boundaries with him (and that would propable involve you getting very angry). And if you do eventually leave, you’ll be much less likely to end up in another relationship with the same dynamic. Believe me, I went from one codependent relationship straight into another because I hadn’t worked on that part of myself.
He clearly has his own issues, but so do you. There is a reason why you are keep giving and giving and giving. You trying to keep your relationship going and all costs even though he has been taking advantage of you for many years and even been abusive. You cant change him, but you can work on yourself. That’s the part you have control over and if you have the courage to start learning about codependency you will see a lot to work on :) Good luck its not a nice place to be.

You have to leave him OP. You have one life stop wasting it.

Your comfortable life sounds shit. Leave.

This exactly. In 10 years of you being there and doing everything for him he has not improvwd, so why do you think you throwing your life away is helping? Also if you have children with him he will visit his problems on your children, making them more susceptible to depression, not even genetically but because you would have inflicted this on them for their entire childhood.

What has he done/is he doing to get help and work with professionals to improve his mental health? I'm not unsympathetic to him but I suspect it's not very much as he only wants and expects you to help and support him (and even that may be on terms that enables him not to need to get better).

Although either way, I think I would leave. You've tried your best. I don't think he has. You're young, you have a good income and prospects, you aren't trapped with children and you don't have the complication of marriage, so get out while he world is still your oyster. You need to put yourself first because no one else will. This situation will destroy your own mental health before too long unless it improves (unlikely) or you get out (possible).

How will you feel at 40 having wasted all your opportunities on a man who is mentally ill and abusive? If anything you did was helping, he would already be better.
Save your own life, it's all you've got.

I agree with selling your property and moving somewhere more affordable. Separately ideally.
You cannot live your life like this. He can reach out for support if he needs it. Theres the gp, mental health support, charities. You’re not responsible for him.

Don't marry him OP. Don't have kids with him. Even if there is suddenly a "good" patch. Why can't he do the housework? You only get one life, quietly make plans to detach. Live your life.

You can't sacrifice your happiness for someone else. You need to start to untangle this relationship. Put the house on the market for a start. Tell him you are burnt out and can't afford the finances anymore.

Is he getting help/on medication for his mental health?

I was married with no children to a man with mental health issues. It made my life intolerable and unbearable. I stayed as I thought he would get better etc. at the end he started to get aggressive and I went but I wanted too many years.

parts of your post are so similar - can’t work and can’t do the housework. My ex would tell me how stressful the housework was and how he couldn’t do it. You get home after a 12/14 hour day and then start washing dishes before you can even eat. It’s a great life isn’t it.

you are 28 - so much time to move on and start another life.

I doubt anyone is reading about your life and thinking it sounds great. You would not be crazy to end this comfortable life. Seventy hours a week isn't comfortable. No physical contact, no love, no physical support etc. Nobody wants that. You're flushing your life down the toilet because you're feeling so responsible for him. Is he taking any steps to improving his mental health?

Sounds to me you got together young and you're feeling responsible for him. If you left you would look back and feel a relief I'm sure. You could date, travel, do all the things you want, or stay as you are.

You can sell the house, he can live by himself or figure out what he needs to do, he isn't your responsibility.

Do you want to sacrifice the rest of your life to being your DP's carer OP? Because if you marry him, that's what you are doing and I think you need to be clear in your own mind that that's what marriage to him will probably entail. Are you prepared to do that and to give up all your own hopes and dreams in order to perform that role? To work like a dog (70 hours a week is not sustainable long-term) in order to pay for everything, not have children, not work abroad, basically martyr yourself for this man? Yes, he is unwell, yes that is unfortunate, but only a masochist would sign up for what you are signing up for atm.

You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Imagine you marry him and give up all your dreams, then imagine yourself at 50 years old your youth wasted, childless, angry and resentful, because that's the reality if you carry on in this relationship. I would leave, sell the house, live your life. You only have one life and it is YOURS. Don't squander it. I bet your parents and your friends are really worried that that is what you are about to do, but don't know how to talk to you about it. If you were my daughter, I would be really worried and upset about the possibility.

Re the business, is there scope to get a business partner, do you have any staff to or funds to promote to make your life easier, free you up to travel. Or can you sell?

If you was my daughter I’d be supporting you to leave, you can’t stay, I get you feel some sort of guilt, obligation but that will pass, it’s not yours to worry about, does he have family, you really need to live your life and at 28 this is the perfect time to do so, plenty of time to recover. Travel, build yourself up, meet someone and have children.

Thats not a life.
Its possible he could be running the house surely.
Sell the house and live separately as you progress to moving on if thats what you want.
Why live like an old lady at your age.

Thank you for the advice. We spoke about it last night, and it didn't really go anywhere, but we have agreed to put the house on the market. I'm not sure where things will go from there.

You’re 28. Rip the plaster off now, and your life is only just beginning. Stay, and you’ll get more and more trapped and worn down.

Selling the house is your opportunity for freedom. Take your share, buy yourself a small place just for you, and live a free life.

What’s the business set up? Can it be dissolved, and is it a line of work that you can pursue independently?

You deserve and need a normal.happy life. Grab it ....

Selling the house is a good first step. I would get on with it straightaway - ask neighbours for recommendations on estate agents, or your local Facebook groups.

Yes! Its a pseudo life at this point. It looks normal to outsiders but it has no growth or warmth or potential.

I just celebrated 36 years with my lovely dh. We didn’t rven meet until we were thirty! Didn’t get married or buy a house until we were 35. Kids at 36 and 38. What a marvelous adventure life has been!

Of course you can leave and have the life you want. “I have MH issues” doesn’t mean he can not take responsibility for his own life.

This is your fork in the road.

Will you look back, exhausted, after 50 years of looking after a man that you don't have much of a relationship and say where did my life go?

Why would you want to make this relationship manageable? I feel suffocated just reading your post. He’ll drain the youth out of you, OP. Sell the house, grab your freedom, don’t look back.

Keep reminding yourself that you only get one shot at this life. You can split up without being unkind. You can help him find a counsellor or whatever he needs for his mental health problems. You shouldn’t have to work 70 hours a week. You deserve the life you planned for and you’re different from the person you were when you were 18.

If you marry a good man and he is a good husband to you and possibly also a good father to your kids and he becomes sick then yes you have a moral obligation to him imo.

This is really not that. You were barely an adult when you got together and you are not married no kids. Either of you can walk on any whim you like. And you have extremely strong reasons to run for the hills.

That is a huge positive step.
Make sure you follow through.

Make a plan:

1. Sell the house, get somewhere small and manageable
2. Reduce the hours you work. If you work for a family business or with him, close that business or leave it and find employment elsewhere, totally separate from the relationship.
3. Then, when you have a completely independent job, housing within your budget, and are working sensible hours, then you can re-consider the relationship.

At the moment you are not ready to leave or think about leaving, because I get the impression you need to fix the other things first, so that you have time and headspace to really consider what you want from life.
It may be that you are hoping for a miracle, that a new home and better working hours for you will help him recover. If you need to hold onto that hope in order to take steps one and two, then so be it.