What’s one piece of advice you’d give to your younger self in relation to relationships/marriage?

[user0512]

Hi,

Just saw a video online of a woman explaining what advice she’d give her younger self in relation to relationships/dating/marriage and thought it would be interesting to ask what others would advise.

what the fuck is wrong with you

Don't listen to your Mum. She pushed me into marriage when I would have been happy to co habit. Terrible mistake, divorced at 30.

I wasn't trying to say everyone meets the one at uni. The title of the thread is what advice would you give your younger self, i met the one at uni.

However lovely and trustworthy your partner is, don't become a housewife, always maintain some sort of career. After 30 years things may change, people do actually fall out of love. And if any of your children are disabled, men rarely stay around. Even the 'nice' ones.

Statistically there isn’t ’the One’ anymore. As people live longer more people will have a few very important relationships and spend more time single. It would be great if society accepted this and the legal process and media moved away from the notion of one life partner and we prepared young people to be self reliant and to expect change.
My parents have been married over 55 years and to the outside world they are each others ‘one’. However, I can’t remember my mum saying one nice thing about my dad in the last 25 years even though he’s still devoted to her.

don't twist yourself into a pretzel trying to role-model what a good partner looks like in the hope they'll get the hint - they won't notice, and will likely (knowingly or unknowingly) just lean into the imbalance.

especially if they've always been spoiled.

also, and perhaps more importantly - you can't fix other people, or make them happy, how ever much you love them and want to.

you can (and should) give them the space and support to fix themselves, or make themselves happy, but you need to recognise this probably won't happen until they're ready.

That it can be really bloody hard at times.

Also, don't marry just because you feel obligated too.

For those who are struggling with ND partners I feel you.

Books i've found useful

ADHD Effect on Marriage By Melissa Orlov www.worldofbooks.com/en-gb/products/adhd-effect-on-marriage-book-melissa-orlov-9781886941977?sku=GOR005990627&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=19545755187&gclid=CjwKCAjwu53SBhAhEiwAJzSLNtpbLvs9UFe043jUZVV0l_iTMoasqalGTj2kALn3_iBzVsC4nEa6RRoCty0QAvD_BwE The ADHD effect on Marriage

Same here. Married at 22 then I was virtually cut out of her will because I brought shame on her by getting divorced.

Marry someone who is self sufficient, practical, energetic and glass half full. This is the exact polar opposite of my husband and our marriage is not a happy one and never really has been.

This is why marrying later in life is a good idea. In my foolish and hormone-addled 20s, a man with these attributes would have bored or irritated me.

Now I’d consider a bit of uncomplicated, cheerful get-up-and-go the ultimate turn-on.

Never, ever rely on a man. Maintain your career, your pension, your car and your flat or house, or at least have a flat deposit ready to use at a moments notice.

It’ll take you until you’re in your 50s to realise that you were expecting them all to be perfect. Honey, there’s no such thing. Calm down and learn to compromise. The sky won’t fall in because he didn’t do “the thing” as well as you would.

Give men a swerve, have a career, buy a nice flat and beome mad cat woman. Would've been bliss.

Don’t get married at 21 just cos your pregnant cos your mum said it would bring shame to the family.

dont do the pick me when he leaves you

tell him no early on

dont become dependant on any man

any red flags leave

in fact don’t live with a man again

Chill out and stop rushing things. Everything will fall into place. (the younger self I’m talking to is me from 1 month ago lmfao)

You can have a happy fulfilling life without being married- sadly this was not the case when I was young. Unmarried women were pitied.

Don’t pick a project. Doer uppers are for houses and cars. Not partners.
Don’t lose yourself in him and what he likes.
Don’t date anyone in a uniform. Or that one bloke with the long hair and a band t shirt. Definitely don’t date him.
Don’t believe in words. Watch their actions
Don’t under value yourself. If he doesn’t appreciate you, walk away.

Do say no to him early on. If you see so much as a flicker of irritation, run.
Do choose kindness. Not performative kindness, but the quiet kind.
Do someone you actually like to spend time with, as well as fancy
Do watch very carefully whether your friends like him.

Watch out for their attitude to work; if they ever say they’re not going to do a job they don’t enjoy, then you know you can’t rely on him if times get tough
Watch out for him having no real mates, crazy exes and a poor relationship with his mum. One by itself isn’t necessarily a danger sign, but I’m yet to meet one with all three who is worth anything.
You don’t have to choose between excitement and stability, or nice and a bad boy. There are nice, stable men out there who will give you the time of your life.

Read He’s Just Not That Into You. Digest it. Believe it. If he likes you, you won’t be sitting at home wondering. I firmly believe this should be mandatory reading for teenage girls.

ETA, it’s a lot of advice, but my God I made some stupid decisions when I was younger!

Choose a stable, kind, well-off man from a nice family. If he makes you laugh, so much the better.

Consider his faults & ask yourself if you’re going to be able to put up with them for the next few decades.

Just stay single and remember there is a reason that gay couples statistically last way longer than any other kind of partnership.

I could write a book on what I should have told my younger self. Top of the list, which covers most of the huge book that would follow, is:

GET THERAPY. If you don't you will pick awful men, who will use you, hurt you, abuse you and bring you nothing but unhappiness.

Get married before having that baby. Other than that, I am pretty happy with how I've handled myself in relationships.

I have one daughter:
>Never fight your gut/intuition. If anything rankles your spirit, pay attention to it/leave.
>Talk less, listen more. People will tell you who they are.
>Watch actions and patterns. Don't try to rationalise poor behaviour. Accept it for what it is and deal with it accordingly.
>Do not compromise on the qualities that are essential to you when dating. He can be 6ft3, instead of 6ft5; but if you have to question his values, throw him back.
>Always be self-sufficient. You may never need it, but always have your own.
>Drop a stingy mofo like a hot potato.
>Only be with someone you can respect. If you have any form of contempt or questionable regard for them, let em go.
>You can always come home.