What’s one piece of advice you’d give to your younger self in relation to relationships/marriage?

[user0512]

Hi,

Just saw a video online of a woman explaining what advice she’d give her younger self in relation to relationships/dating/marriage and thought it would be interesting to ask what others would advise.

I would say don't get married at all. Keep your finances seperate, make sure you are equal in every respect . Don't take any bullshit at all. Don't tolerate porn, unfaithfulness or lying. One strike and you're out. Make sure you can leave and be secure.

If you really want a baby it’s better to do that alone than to go into it with someone who is horrible to you so much of the time just because you think it might be your last chance…

When there’s a red flag don’t ignore it and leave at the first signs.

Don’t marry that divvy just because everyone else is settling down and you feel left out. Take that job abroad and leave him far behind. No man is ever worth passing up career or travel opportunities!

To stop trying to be the girl that a man wants and to wait for the man who loves the girl you are. And to relax and stop worrying about it, the right man will come along.

Indecision is a decision.

"He's a great guy most of the time but..." is fine when it's followed by "but he leaves his dirty socks on the floor". It is NOT fine when it is followed by an example of abusive behaviour / violence. There are some transgressions that even otherwise perfect behaviour cannot and should not overcome.

Don’t marry him, he’s a lazy arse.

Don’t wait so long to leave. Not as soon as the first red flag, people can make mistakes, but don’t put up with more more and crap. When someone consistently shows you who they are, believe them and act accordingly.

Never allow yourself to be financially dependent on a partner. Earn your own money, pay your own way and protect your assets. Don’t paint yourself into a corner.

Marry your best friend. The one who makes you laugh and enjoys doing the same things.
Always have money in a bank account that no-one but yourself knows about, as a back up plan.

Marry someone whose parents respect and trust you.

Marry someone who respects you and who is naturally kind.

In fact don't even date anyone who isn't both.

Love alone isn't enough. Compatibility is essential if you don't want to be miserable.

Oh that’s so true

What you accept, is what will continue

Marry someone with the same sense of humour as yours. Life is hard, laughing at it together makes it easier and more fun. Find The One who makes you smile. Truly and from the bottom of your heart.

Similar to a PP’s advice not to marry an autistic man - don’t marry or live with anyone unless you have conclusive proof they can manage their own lives independently. Working, laundry, cooking, cleaning, banking, filing taxes, sorting doctor’s appointments, planning travel.

It sounds basic - but assume NOTHING until you have seen a man take initiative in all these areas. Make sure you have evidence that he has the basic decision-making capacity to buy his own clothes and he’s not still wearing the pants his mum bought him to go to uni and a jumper he found in a field.

Otherwise you will end up a caregiver for an adult who presents to the outside world as charmingly bohemian but behaves at home like someone with mid-stage dementia.

Was going to say this.

There’s no rush, don’t ignore the red flags , life’s too precious to put up with assholes

“No it’s not just you being a flake, or overthinking. Nor are your expectations too high. He doesn’t love you, that is obvious. Stop trying to pander to him to try and make everything right. It will not work. He will never be that lovely person again, because he never really was him. This is who he is. Leave now”.

Everything you think you know about a long marriage is wrong so be prepared to adapt.

Stay true to who you are, do not compromise, listen to your instincts, watch for red flags.

Love is not enough.

If he wanted to, he would. Don't make excuses, don't blame yourself, dump every fucker who isn't going to love you with everything he has because you, and everyone else, are entitled to a relationship that enhances your life.

Find someone who can communicate and meet your emotional needs. The clues are often in how they were raised. Someone can have lots of positive traits and be easy to fall in love with, but long term, communication is key and if your emotional needs can’t be met, marriage can be a very lonely place.