What’s one piece of advice you’d give to your younger self in relation to relationships/marriage?

[user0512]

Hi,

Just saw a video online of a woman explaining what advice she’d give her younger self in relation to relationships/dating/marriage and thought it would be interesting to ask what others would advise.

Just don't give a fuck. Really don't.

Leave the first time you have to go to see a dr because of what he has done to you. Listen to yourself, rather than thinking "oh well, I'll just have to put up with this". Are you insane?

This is spot on, currently learning this the hard way. My husband and I have a lot in common, have similar morals, values and ethics and have a laugh together but ultimately our up-bringing differs in how we’ve handled trauma. He’s an avoidant and I’m anxious due to our childhoods. This really does impact us daily, so yes, compatibility in interests, attraction and sense of humour is important but this is spot on

Never stay for the kids.. years will be wasted on the wrong person. Be kinder to yourself. X

Interesting …

I married an autistic man (didn’t know until six months of living together) and unfortunately a lot of this is true. It’s amazing how autism can vary so much from person to person. My sister, best friend and father are autistic (father isn’t diagnosed but I think he is) and they’re quite independent people. My dad is quite set with routine and how he likes things. Sister doesn’t always understand social cues (although I’d say she’s more ADHD) however, marrying someone autistic is very different. My husband struggles with money management, time management, communication, taking accountability etc.

THISS! Although sometimes it’s hard to tell how they really feel about you until it’s too late. His parents did a marvellous job at masking their true feelings towards me and this really impacted us and still does.

Turn down the outside voices.
My husband never held me back, judgement from other women did. I wish I had never cared and lived the life that suited me, DH and our family.

I would advise my younger self to go to university in her 20s (rather than waiting til her 40s) and become the academic she was always meant to be. It would also enable her to drop the rope and distance herself from her family. She would then be writing this as Prof. Gingercat rather than Dr Gingercat.

I agree with all the points made.

I saw a great phrase on Instagram: A man is NOT a plan.

I grew up in the golden age of 90s & 2000s romcoms and in my desperation to emulate them, chose badly. I ignored the red flags. So yes, if your Spidey -senses are telling you something, get the hell out of there.

Understand and heal your attachment issues before choosing a partner

I heard a quote that said ‘Pay attention to the little irritations you overlook in the early days; these will become the dealbreakers later down the line’.
I’d also say don’t expect them to change and step up. What you see in the honeymoon period truly is their best. XH was kind of slow by but I expected him to step up and improve when we lived together. He didn’t! Naïve of me in retrospect.

That even when everything is right and you think each other are perfect, marriage still needs hard work and compromise to prevent the cracks. If it isn't completely right, the cracks quickly become chasms.

Inputs and outputs must remain equal. I did/do everything at home, children grown now; DH is a workaholic. However things are balanced and free time is equal (I have probably always had a bit more).

The same approach to money/spending is essential.

If you are up late googling his behaviour in an attempt to understand it , he’s a narcissist

I wouldn’t. Younger me didn’t need advice, I knew what I wanted and I wasn’t influenced. We married very young by today’s standards, but I just knew what I wanted, I knew he was a good one, I knew to ignore the snobs that thought we were too young. We’ve built a wonderful life together decades later.

I’d do a different wedding though, that was the only element I didn’t know myself enough for! I’d do that very differently now.

That feeling you get, when you’ve been out for a date and go back to theirs and then just lose all ability to sustain a conversation or carry on playing a part, so you think you’d better sleep with them to avoid having to say another word and have to completely dissociate from your body to get through it- that’s because you’re autistic and have been masking like mad all evening. You can say no to any or all of it and have a cup of herbal tea at home instead. Х

choose the more mature experienced person,

Open your eyes wide. When he was sacked while you were just dating, you should have dumped him there and then. He was sacked because he was unemployable, and he would continue to be so. You cared about his feelings of dismay and rejection more than you cared about yourself. Ridiculous.

Stop wasting your 20s and 30s on pining for a relationship, they are hardly ever worth it and one day you'll realise you're actually perfectly content on your own!

For me I would say simply - dont try to blend in when you were born to stand out.

Being single is absolutely OK, and you'll likely be happier overall.

Most of my friendship group have split from their DH's in their 50's. They cheated, and they didn't care how much they hurt their families. They threw their own kids under a bus whilst doing their GCSE's and A'levels. A lot of my friends put up with sh!tty behaviour due to finances.

So my no. 1 advice would be to save £100 (min) a month in a bank account (that only you know about, maybe tell your mum in case anything happens to you) from day 1 of your marriage. That way you can afford to move, get a solicitor and not be a hostage to any man in your 40's or 50s.

Please, do this. Your 50 something self will thank you. I am married, and I think my DH would be one of the last men to cheat. However, I have my stash just in case.

That if it’s dramatic it’s not worth it and Marry the one who makes you laugh

Don’t settle. And when he shows you who he is. Believe him.

Don't marry Richard. He will damage you, your health and how you see men forever. Set the bar as high as you can.

Trust your instincts
Be confident in yourself
Don't let anyone else walk all over you
Maintain your beliefs and boundaries
Learn to say no and mean it
There's more to long term relationships than attraction and good sex
Never, ever, be reliant on a partner
Ensure you have your own savings, career, etc
Don't get into having children or buying a house together too quickly