How do I go on a solo holiday without getting grief?

[ringobingo]

I haven’t been abroad in a reeeeeallly long time (over a decade). Before that I enjoyed going away and sightseeing etc, but for various reasons (mainly that I have no one to go with) I don’t go anywhere these days.

Sometimes I want to get away and have a change of scene, relax and unwind in a way I can’t do at home.

I am married (no kids), and we live together though it is just a certificate at this point. He goes away, including to the US and around Europe etc with friends (for specific events) but isn’t interested in going anywhere with me.

The problem is if I do book and go away somewhere, he will give me a lot of grief. He will accuse me of going with someone, or meeting someone out there. As he knows I don’t have friends I can go with, and I’ve never done it before so it would be out of character. I know he would make my life very difficult beforehand and while I’m wherever I am with messages etc. This is one of the reasons I haven’t done it before as I know this will happen, I get questioned even if I go out for the day about whereabouts.

so what do I do? Just suck it up and never go anywhere again?

(I know people will tell me to just leave permanently but that’s not the point of the thread)

Would the grief be that he’d divorce you if you went away? Then I’d go.

No, just constant hassle about who I am going with, that I’m a cheating (insert word here) etc

Surely you just grey rock all mention of his complaints?

You explain ONCE that he has no interest in going on holiday with you so your options are go alone or not at all so you are going on your own.

This isn’t really a marriage is it. I mean if he gets to go away on his own but doesn’t want to go away with you that speaks volumes!

Why would you stay with someone who hurls disgusting insults at you and doesn’t trust you? You’re trying to treat the symptom here and not the root cause. He doesn’t like or respect you. However impossible it seems, not being married to him is the only way to stop this sort of thing once it’s started.

Well,that’s no way to live the rest of your life. Block him so he can’t message you ever. What’s the point of him being able to contact you if the relationship is this bad?

Or tell him that you are going away to meet someone. Or tell him to fuck off.

It’s not really, just on paper and a financial partnership at this point tbh. We don’t like spending time together and little in common now

Book it, tell him the day before … limit his time of moaning.

Can you book every time he books his holiday ?

Unfortunately it would be tricky due to a pet and no one local to rely on.

It’s time to initiate a divorce I’m afraid. You are missing out on so much and won’t get this time back.

Just don't tell him you're going, block his number while you're away. Leave him a note to say you've gone away for a few days and you'll be back on x date.

The question here is what's the worst that can happen?

If you will be at risk of harm then you have a much bigger problem to solve than announcing a holiday. If you just need to listen to him talking shit, invest in some good quality noise cancelling headphones. If he'll sabotage it in some way, take your passport to work and tell him on the way to the airport. If it will accelerate a divorce, get that holiday booked yesterday.

It sounds like the holiday is not the primary problem. As there's not any kids care to discuss, book holiday, tell him at the appropriate point (including when you've arrived if needed) and spend some time away planning what a new, healthy life looks like for you.

So why not end it? Imagine the rest of your life being able to live with enjoyment by yourself, or form a new relationship, and to holiday as and when you see fit.

Would it be any better if you booked an organised trip or a specific interest trip like yoga. Otherwise I would say I am off to x do you want to come . When he says no tell him you are going alone then and want no complaints or comments . Full stop
. You need to stop him manipulating situations. If he carries on tell him if you are not allowed to go on holiday without him in peace then he is not allowed without you

What would worry me about doing this is he would get in touch with my whole family and tell them I’ve gone. They would then worry because it’s unusual for me too and I’d be bombarded by then with messages.

He would probably also contact the police and I would have anxiety about being in a news story as a missing person or something!

So book for the week he gets back ?

what would happen with the pet if you did go on holiday together ?

Why does it matter if he gives you grief then?
This is a strange set up you're in. No kids - why not divorce?

This is really mad. Why are you still with him?

It’s never happened so it’s never been a consideration

But you do need to split - this could get nasty over time / he’s controlling you and clearly feels he owns you even though you say it’s a paper marriage

Just book it and don’t engage in the conversation if he starts hassling you, just calmly say “I’m not having this conversation again” and leave the room. Personally this doesn’t sound like an arrangement I could live with but if you are going to stay with him and just coexist in the same home then I don’t see any other way of doing it. There’s no point trying to pacify if he’s unwilling to accept what you say

Tell him you're going, make sure the pet is being cared for. The minute you're out the door turn your phone off or mute it at the very least.

So tell your family you are going on holiday. Send your family a text a day or whatever to tell them you are having a great time. You can’t think that your family are under the illusion that your marriage is fine.

You can do so much better than this man OP, you don't even really have a relationship.