How do I go on a solo holiday without getting grief?

[ringobingo]

I haven’t been abroad in a reeeeeallly long time (over a decade). Before that I enjoyed going away and sightseeing etc, but for various reasons (mainly that I have no one to go with) I don’t go anywhere these days.

Sometimes I want to get away and have a change of scene, relax and unwind in a way I can’t do at home.

I am married (no kids), and we live together though it is just a certificate at this point. He goes away, including to the US and around Europe etc with friends (for specific events) but isn’t interested in going anywhere with me.

The problem is if I do book and go away somewhere, he will give me a lot of grief. He will accuse me of going with someone, or meeting someone out there. As he knows I don’t have friends I can go with, and I’ve never done it before so it would be out of character. I know he would make my life very difficult beforehand and while I’m wherever I am with messages etc. This is one of the reasons I haven’t done it before as I know this will happen, I get questioned even if I go out for the day about whereabouts.

so what do I do? Just suck it up and never go anywhere again?

(I know people will tell me to just leave permanently but that’s not the point of the thread)

What’s the root cause of worrying about what other people think of you?. Your upbringing at the hands of your parents?. This is a problem for you that you should address In therapy because it’s doing you no favours at all.

You divorcing your h may be the subject of attention for a short period of time amongst his friends but really most people are just invested in only their own lives .

It is neither unusual or wrong for a marrried woman to go on holiday. Your so called h wants to keep you in a cage of his own paranoid making.

Isn’t it slightly out of the norm to go solo though? I know with friends it wouldn’t be

@@ringobingo it is difficult for posters to give focused advice because we do not know the circumstances in which you live.

Do you have family members who would want you to be under this man’s thumb?

Do you have no friends because of the restrictions imposed by the man you’re married to?

It sounds as if you have income of your own? Why not independently arrange paid care for your pet before you go away?

Is there anything other than ‘hassle’ that you’re afraid of, if you do go on holiday?

Would you be safe in your house if you told him in advance about your plans?

He gives you grief because then you don’t go, so his plan works.

You need to let him give you grief and show that you don’t care.

Speak to your family and people at work about booking a solo holiday and if they’ve got any ideas etc and keep them updated so that he can’t spin it as you having a break down or whatever.

If he phones the police then they’ll think he’s a idiot because you can turn around and tell them that it’s been planned for weeks and that this is him being controlling.

I know a woman who never travelled because her DH didn’t want to (he was always travelling with his friends) and then she became physically disabled and so now she cannot travel easily on her own.

Her biggest regret is that she didn’t just go travelling all these years without him.

So what if he gives you grief.
Tell him to get over it.

If he thinks you’re cheating then he’s free to leave.

Uh, you get a new husband, is what you do!

I’ve gone away on a solo holiday pretty much every year as long as Dh and I have been together, which is 18 years now. Even with small children.

When our eldest was 18 months, I went to Australia for 2 weeks (this was partly for work, but I still made a holiday of it). I’ve been all over Europe, to the US, lots of walking holidays in the UK, have walked a camino in Spain. All while Dh stayed home with the children.

He also gets time to go away on his own. We have family holidays together, just no couple ones as no family help with childcare.

Unless you have small children to sort childcare, just book it and let him know after the fact. Any man who sulked about that would be going right in the bin though.

And no, it’s not at all weird to go away solo. Unless you don’t want to? I’ve travelled with friends. I don’t want to anymore. They are a lot of work and we wouldn’t enjoy the same sorts of holidays. It’s wonderful going on your own. I’ve done it regularly since I was 18 (I’m 45 now).

It's not unusual for married people to travel independently, I've just qualified as an independent travel advisor and was watching a presentation last week from a well known tour company who are expanding their tours for solo travellers as there is a high demand. They were saying the demographic is a mix of people who are solo as they're widowed, divorced etc, and people who are choosing to travel as solos as the have different interests to their partners, or partners who are either unable to travel, don't like flying etc. There are even tour companies who run women only tours.

No. Plenty of women go away on their own. If you’re that worried why not go away somewhere as part of a group?. There are plenty of coach and travel companies offering such holidays. However your priority going forward should also be to divorce your abusive husband.

I don't think you need to be so dramatic unless you want to be.

Say you've signed up to a yoga week at the hotel you choose. Whether it's true or not if you make it like you are doing something just for you it will make things easier I think.

What’s unusual is another human being acting like they own you and telling you what you can and cannot do.

What’s the point of worrying about what others think of you and your life if you’re fucking miserable.

Your life is for you to live. Not anyone else.

It depends on the individual. I’ve been abroad on my own five times because I like the freedom of just pleasing myself.

Even if it was slightly out of the norm (which it isn’t) it’s what you want to do and when you’re in a loving and trusting relationship your partner encourages you to do what you want to do.

It’s not wrong, lots of people do it.

you are in an abusive relationship and sometimes when that is the case it’s hard to see the wood for the trees.

woukd you be unable to manage financially if you left him?

Do not make yourself smaller to make a man bigger. De-center him and live your life. Its such a double standard that he can do it but you can't. Book something short, quick and easy to break the back of this situation - if he kicks off, let him. And just go. He'll realise you mean business

For context, I'm m on my own in France right now having a bloody lovely time, thank you.

My DD and her husband have holidays they spend together (their main holiday of the year) but they also have short solo holidays too. They’re in their twenties and no kids and like the freedom of doing both. They tend to do short city breaks on their own as they like doing different things when they get there. It’s a complete non issue.

I guess what I want from this thread is advice about how I can do this. Because part of me wonders if I would be wrong to go away alone as a married woman? As it’s unusual for married people to do that I suppose

I am married, 2 DC. I have been going on solo holidays since youngest turned 10.

(I go hiking, off grid for a few days once or twice a year. Sometimes I add a day or two in a city, DH just sees it as one of my hobbies. The other is dog agility, so I am away the odd weekend for competition, but that's with other people from my club. Although my hobby time is a bit extreme at times, I'd say it's normal and healthy to do things by yourself away from DH, family and the day to day grind.)

Not in the least, no. I have a lovely DH and child and lots of friends and I go away regularly by myself.

I can’t blame him for the reason I don’t have friends, that’s my fault.

Yes I have my own income

It’s just hassle, I know i would be safe but the questions would be continual and I get easily stressed - I’m an anxious person anyway so I try and avoid it.

You're being terribly passive about this. This cage you are in is an illusion, you can go away any time you like and you don't need anyone's permission.

Your husband won't like it, and you already know it. So what? Block or mute him.

Your family might fuss, so what? You tell them you are okay and if they continue to bother you, block or mute them.

If your husband is truly idiotic enough to contact the police, so what? You tell them that you've decided to go away and that you are not in any kind of danger. The police will then tell your husband to cease wasting their time.

Just pick a fantastic holiday and go for it. It might be the start of a whole new existence for you.

He sounds horrible and you appear to not want to leave him which is your call, if bizarre, but do you want him to ruin your life completely?

He doesn’t want to go away with you and it’s perfectly fine for him to go away on his own? Just book something, tell him and tell your family.

Ok so let me tell you - it’s not unusual in a healthy marriage.

I go away every couple of months for a long weekend / overnight to another city where I want to see a show (London, Manchester, Bristol etc). He goes away for a week every year for his sport (solo; not a lads’ golf trip or anything like that!). I went alone to Malta for a week last year - first time I’d done abroad alone so I booked private transfers to take all the stress away.

DH was nothing but supportive of me doing the Malta week. Concerned for me, yes, as natural with a woman travelling alone, but we kept in touch a couple of times a day so he knew I was safe, happy, and having a fab time!

In your shoes I’d get a pet sitter (or kennels/cattery) and time your holiday for the week he’s away to minimise the grief. No, you shouldn’t have to. But you asked how to do it without grief and that seems the best answer.

Well you are missing out on a whole world to see and limiting yourself for a man who you don't like (it seems). Don't wait for life to get better - grab the chances you can now! If he gives you grief, so what?! Ignore him. No one gets to dictate your life. And especially not whilst he is clearly living his!!

Book the holiday and just go. Don’t tell him and then when you return home tell him you want a divorce.

Life is too short to stay with someone so miserable and controlling.

Agree with all this.

I assure you it is not unusual for married people to travel and holiday alone. My DH and I have joint and independent interests.

Let your family know in advance that you're going on holiday, so your husband can't wind them up. Just say "I'm going to Rome for 5 days next month. Shit-for-brains isn't interested and he's had 3 golfing trips this year already so I'm going on my own." While you're away ignore any contact from him. Ditto any family who respond with anything other than "Have a great time."

If your husband is going to accuse you of cheating he will do that whether you go away alone, with a group of friends or your 90 year old granny. There are companies that specialise in organising holidays for solo travellers if you have lost your confidence about travelling alone.