How do I go on a solo holiday without getting grief?

[ringobingo]

I haven’t been abroad in a reeeeeallly long time (over a decade). Before that I enjoyed going away and sightseeing etc, but for various reasons (mainly that I have no one to go with) I don’t go anywhere these days.

Sometimes I want to get away and have a change of scene, relax and unwind in a way I can’t do at home.

I am married (no kids), and we live together though it is just a certificate at this point. He goes away, including to the US and around Europe etc with friends (for specific events) but isn’t interested in going anywhere with me.

The problem is if I do book and go away somewhere, he will give me a lot of grief. He will accuse me of going with someone, or meeting someone out there. As he knows I don’t have friends I can go with, and I’ve never done it before so it would be out of character. I know he would make my life very difficult beforehand and while I’m wherever I am with messages etc. This is one of the reasons I haven’t done it before as I know this will happen, I get questioned even if I go out for the day about whereabouts.

so what do I do? Just suck it up and never go anywhere again?

(I know people will tell me to just leave permanently but that’s not the point of the thread)

Could you let someone in your family know your plans?

FFS its not as though you are off to Magaluf!

I'd divorce him

Tell your family where you're going with details.

Leave him then it’s none of his business and you can tell your family.
I’ve been on solo holidays, they’re brilliant. Sounds like you really need to prioritise yourself, because he won’t. This is no way to live.

You could just message them yourself and say you are gone on holiday because you need some time away from him.

I think you already know this isn’t normal or healthy, and you should be making plans to leave him. Although he is indirectly letting you know that he will make that difficult with his unreasonable behaviour. He’s basically training you to stay put, where it’s convenient for him.

Try to take that first step by booking something, not telling him about it until you’re on the way to the airport, and then preempt his behaviour by sending your family a message saying you are taking some time away from him.

@ringobingo - What a state of fear and passivity you’ve got yourself into. It’s honestly awful to read.

You have no friends. You are afraid of him. You feel you have zero freedom of movement.

Do you honestly think you’re not allowed to travel? What do you think would happen if you booked a holiday and messaged your relatives, in great excitement, to tell them how much yore looking forward to it? And do you honestly think police are going to chase after a perfectly free adult woman who makes a holiday reservation and goes on holiday?

I don’t want to raise uncalled for possibilities; are you in the UK?

Its sounds more like you're his prisoner than his partner. What is keeping you in this relationship?

Don’t just tell your family you are going on holiday

explain why you are telling them and what you expect them to say to your abuser

A holiday should be the last thing on your mind. Focus on divorcing the prick first and all the upheaval that entails, then book yourself the most amazing holiday.

Every breath should be focussed on getting out of that sorry excuse for a marriage.

Watch Shirley Valentine, then walk out the door.

Also what do you think the police are going to do - find you and drag you back home?

They won’t bother with a false missing persons report because you’re not missing you’re on holiday. And he might be cautioned for wasting police time.

If he’s led you to believe you would somehow be in trouble for doing this then he is emotionally abusing you.

Book something, don’t tell him until you’re at the airport, then block him.

There are businesses that make their money by taking in other people's pets for a brief period. The man doesn't like you. Overthinking much?

What a way to live…not.

@ringobingo you quite clearly know you’re in a shite marriage. Have some self respect and leave. You don’t even have the excuse that you’re staying for the kids (which isn’t even a good excuse IMO)

Life’s far too short to be stuck in a relationship where you can’t even do a simple thing like take a trip because you’ll be accused or cheating. Want more for yourself.

What are you getting out of this so called marriage now?.

What’s preventing you from divorcing him?. Make no mistake here, you are in an abusive marriage because of his control of you.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Your first step is to confide in a sympathetic family member or friend about his controlling behaviour.

Then book something lovely. The person you confide in can tell family that you’ve gone away on a solo holiday.

Watch that he doesn’t suddenly decide to go away at the same time, leaving you worrying about who will care for your pet.
So I would tell him when you’re already on your way to the airport.

I think you should have the holiday before you start divorce proceedings, if that’s the route you’re taking. You need the clear head that a break will give you. You need to see how wrong his treatment of you is.

I’m not sure what you want from this thread OP.

Much as he might disagree, this man doesn’t own you. You’re allowed to go on holiday. The police won’t give a shit unless he lies to them, which is on him for wasting police time.

You tell him that you’re going away, you don’t want to hear a word from him about it, or hear from him while you’re there, and then you work out what the fuck you’re going to do about this horrendous position you’re in. Anything else is just fiddling while Rome burns, this is no way to live the rest of your life.

If there are cultural reasons or some kind of special circumstances that mean you will lose your family if you divorce him etc start to build up a life and a support network so that you won’t be alone when it happens. And it absolutely has to happen or you will die having spent your best years a prisoner in your own home.

You’re clearly a strong and capable woman if you’re confident to travel alone. You can do anything else you choose, you just have to realise that the door is already open for you.

So just text a family member to say you needed a break by yourself and will be home on x date. Do they know what an arse you are married to? If yes, they will understsnd. If not just say ypu and him had a fight but are fine and just taking time out.

Thanks for your response. There aren’t any cultural issues or anything like that, but I do worry a lot about what people think (my issue).

I guess what I want from this thread is advice about how I can do this. Because part of me wonders if I would be wrong to go away alone as a married woman? As it’s unusual for married people to do that I suppose.

Is he feeling the same about the relationship?

Honestly, in your shoes, I would say look, I am really interested in xyz and I am going for a few days to do this. Then make sure you are going to book another trip in 6-8 months time. Life is to short to faff around a man that doesn't love or care for you.

There aren't any magic words to make others change their behaviour. In this instance, you go and deal with the consequences, don't go and deal with those consequences, or end the marriage and do whatever you bloody well want.

Honey, your whole marriage is wrong. People aren't supposed to live like this.

It isn’t unusual though, I do it every year, often on my own as sadly I don’t have a huge group of friends who I’d like to go with. The difference is my DH happily tells me to relax and have a great time.

It suits him as he gets to live and do what he wants to. A dual income means little financial worries. he is happy how it is.

That’s good to hear. What sort of places do you go to?