How do I go on a solo holiday without getting grief?

[ringobingo]

I haven’t been abroad in a reeeeeallly long time (over a decade). Before that I enjoyed going away and sightseeing etc, but for various reasons (mainly that I have no one to go with) I don’t go anywhere these days.

Sometimes I want to get away and have a change of scene, relax and unwind in a way I can’t do at home.

I am married (no kids), and we live together though it is just a certificate at this point. He goes away, including to the US and around Europe etc with friends (for specific events) but isn’t interested in going anywhere with me.

The problem is if I do book and go away somewhere, he will give me a lot of grief. He will accuse me of going with someone, or meeting someone out there. As he knows I don’t have friends I can go with, and I’ve never done it before so it would be out of character. I know he would make my life very difficult beforehand and while I’m wherever I am with messages etc. This is one of the reasons I haven’t done it before as I know this will happen, I get questioned even if I go out for the day about whereabouts.

so what do I do? Just suck it up and never go anywhere again?

(I know people will tell me to just leave permanently but that’s not the point of the thread)

There's probably nothing wrong with you. My ex often told me that I had no friends (even though his friends loved me and I did have friends but foolishly let them drift to spend more time with him!). It really damaged my confidence.

I also think friends are similar to meeting a life partner - some people you really don't click with. Others are nice enough. The rare one is a perfect match. It's just personalities - nothing wrong with either person.

This is not about a holiday.

It's a being in a controlling marraige where you have not personal agency die to control and lsck of trust.

I suspect your anxiety is also due to your circumstances.

This is not a health way to live. Why are you still with him?

I’m married and we have too maxed a schedule with our kids sports to really do this but I did a night away solo last year and 3 nights a few years ago. Every mum friend I told about it last year thought it sounded amazing. I’d divorce my husband if he tried to ruin it, I do so much for us, he really let me down on the support side when I was home with babies and it’s not negotiable that I’m allowed time on my own.

I’m married and we have too maxed a schedule with our kids sports to really do this but I did a night away solo last year and 3 nights a few years ago. Every mum friend I told about it last year thought it sounded amazing. I’d divorce my husband if he tried to ruin it, I do so much for us, he really let me down on the support side when I was home with babies and it’s not negotiable that I’m allowed time on my own.

Nothing you have said makes you seem strange or unlikeable. Everything you have said (including the faults you perceive in yourself) seem to flow from tne actions of an unkind controlling partner. Speak to a local domestic abuse charity or women's aid about your situation. Just with a view to getting some perspective in your situation. You dont have to leave but you deserve that perspective so you can make some choices for yourself.

You’re anxious, struggle with confidence and therefore struggle to make friends because that’s exactly how DH likes you.

Imagine if you were strong, confident and independent - you’d be out making friends, progressing in life and not following in his shadow constantly.

You need to start getting yourself back.
You need to do that by pushing the invisible boundaries that he’s set for you.

Why not start with writing a list of places you want to visit and be open about how you’re going to start ticking them off.

Perhaps book a UK trip within the next couple of weeks.

I hope he doesn’t track your phone.
He may suggest this ‘for safety’ - do not let him.
If he doesn’t trust you then that’s his own issue and he can leave if he genuinely thinks you’re out cheating.

I'm happily married, and I sometimes go away separate to my husband - I'm quite adventurous, he's a homebody. I don't like holidaying completely alone, and I'm into walking, so I book onto those group walking holidays - loads of companies do them, for all different types and age groups.

I don't make friends easily either, but on the group holidays, a lot of people come on their own, so everyone just chats to everyone else. You can do group holidays that are cultural, sightseeing etc, not just walking holidays. I do get questions - people just chat generally about their families etc, so it comes up, but I'm just honest and tell them that DH prefers pottering at home. And there are usually other people who have also come without partners. Yes, it's unusual, but not that unusual. On a typical group holiday of let's say 12 people, a couple of them will have left a partner at home.

Post a new thread on the holiday forum if you want ideas and advice. Then go for it!

I think you should leave this man obviously he’s abusive

but if you’re not ready, then while he’s on his next trip you could do your own one. Hopefully a permanent one away from him!

in the meantime why don’t you do some day trips alone to other parts of your city or villages or seasides you don’t know well, to build up your confidence

My dad does trips like this, hiking etc without my mum as she’s older and can’t cope with heat.

obviously my mum is nice and happy for him
to go and enjoy himself

I sure wish this financial partnership is supremely beneficial for you, because you are paying a heavy premium for it 😟.

Have you any interests? I’ve booked to go on female yoga retreats, female snowboard camps, etc. there’s lots of group stuff out there you can go on as a solo female and not feel on your own. That might help you find your feet before you go on a true solo trip.

I’ve spent years of my life on solo business trips and people never bat an eyelid at a woman on her own.

My partner and I do most of our holidays independent of each other as putting our dogs in kennels is really expensive and not nice for them, so we tend to take turns. We also have a lot of independent interests so it works out well.

Nope. I used to travel loads before I met DH.

I did a beach holiday in gran canaria, plus Florence, Paris, Denmark.

A good friend of mine did NYC alone.

Its really normal to travel alone! I loved it. Never got bothered by anyone.

I've been on group tours and met married people travelling alone because they want to/spouse away/spouse busy/spouse doesn't want to go there. Just go. Message once in the morning 'hi, going to visit the pyramids today's and then turn the phone off

Have you tried meetup.com? Easier to make friends when you have a mutual interest or activity.

You go. Then turn your ears off and heart to stone and if you had any sense would not come back.

You say this thread is not about leaving permanently, though in your OP you say "Sometimes I want to get away and have a change of scene, relax and unwind in a way I can’t do at home." This suggests the thread should be about leaving permanently in the absence of children and everything else.

I go to nice hotels, in places I love. I’m going to Greece in September and I went to a different part of Greece in May.

You're shutting down everyone's suggestions and making excuses for both yourself and his behaviour. You've married a twat but you've also spent the last decade enabling his twatish behaviour.

Pet sitters exist, brief your family beforehand so they don't panic and can tell your husband to stop hounding you. The fact is that there's no route that will be friction free, because that'll be his sole goal. But youre entitled to a holiday as much as he is, and you surely can continue to live like this

If divorce is not an option and your worry is that he tells your family and the police then preempt that. Tell your family I’m thinking on booking to go away to xxx. husband doesn’t want to come and I miss travelling so I’m going for xxx days. Do it several times. Same to husband in text message. Then once you booked you tell everyone you booked for those days. Husband the same - in writing. If he calls the police that’s on him. And your family they know. The name calling would be a no go for me but hell would freeze over before I allowed this sort of treatment to prevent me from doing what I want to do. Once you’ve done once it will be easier

OP not sure of your budget but have you looked at flashpack?
I did a couple when dating DH (he was earning sweet FA and I like niace holidays... we werent at the stage i was.happy.to sub him a few k on a holiday)

There are lots of other groups like this at cheaper price points.

There is NOTHING weord about going on holiday without your dh - no one normal would give it a second thought...

You.literally have one life.

Just go on an amazing holiday and file for divorce when you get back...

There's nothing wrong with going away on your own. Lots of people do it

If you don't feel up to grey rocking your dickhead husband, why don't you have 2 or 3 counselling sessions to talk through how to deal with his bullying and control.

Solo travelling is incredibly liberating, just do it 😊

The first time I went on my holiday without my husband I did a lot of research and found out that lots of solo travellers went to Madeira. It's very safe, and if you stay in Funchal there's a goid bus service and lots of places to see. If you go out of season there are bargains and often no single supplement. I went half board as I felt a bit timid going alone. Since then I've been all over independently, not packages, including outside of Europe and my confidence in all sorts of areas has grown.

If you have the funds there are lots of solo holidays companies, and I think most people will be pensioners, not all are.

I also had to keep telling myself I needed to run out if excuses.

Glad it's not just me thinking that every time the football is on!!

OP there probably isn't a way to have your fabulous solo holiday without getting grief. But what you can do is learn to tolerate/ignore the grief and not let it stop you. Perhaps you've spent many years adapting your behaviour to avoid him giving you grief - and where has that got you? If he wants to question you about it, don't over explain yourself or feel you need to justify your decision. Get that trip booked - you won't regret it!

OP I’m in a similar position with a DH who won’t travel due to anxiety. I’ve been fantasising about two weeks all inclusive in the Maldives but don’t have anyone to go with and I know in reality I’d be very lonely. Do you fancy joining me?!