How do I go on a solo holiday without getting grief?

[ringobingo]

I haven’t been abroad in a reeeeeallly long time (over a decade). Before that I enjoyed going away and sightseeing etc, but for various reasons (mainly that I have no one to go with) I don’t go anywhere these days.

Sometimes I want to get away and have a change of scene, relax and unwind in a way I can’t do at home.

I am married (no kids), and we live together though it is just a certificate at this point. He goes away, including to the US and around Europe etc with friends (for specific events) but isn’t interested in going anywhere with me.

The problem is if I do book and go away somewhere, he will give me a lot of grief. He will accuse me of going with someone, or meeting someone out there. As he knows I don’t have friends I can go with, and I’ve never done it before so it would be out of character. I know he would make my life very difficult beforehand and while I’m wherever I am with messages etc. This is one of the reasons I haven’t done it before as I know this will happen, I get questioned even if I go out for the day about whereabouts.

so what do I do? Just suck it up and never go anywhere again?

(I know people will tell me to just leave permanently but that’s not the point of the thread)

What's your financial situation? Will he know if you book it? Just book it and tell him the day before.

He could accuse you of cheating every time he leaves the house or goes away as well.

Absolutely this.

Book it, don’t tell him till you’re on the way, block him while you’re there

Go on a holiday for like minded single travellers
Ignore what he says
Use the holiday to plan your exit from the relationship. Sounds long overdue.

Just go! Book the trip, a group walking trip or whatever you want, and ignore anything he says, and go. Live your life.
It’s not unusual for married people to holiday separately or with friends as well as together. We do it every year and so do my parents in law and many friends.
Life is too short to live your life like this by the way and you need to leave, but you don’t want advice on that.
Enjoy your trip!

I’m in my late 50s and recently single. I went on my first solo holiday at Easter. On the first day I cried because I realised that I should’ve done it years ago. I had a brilliant time and am planning my next break. I’m just cross with myself for not doing it sooner but like you I didn’t want to rock the boat.
Please book yourself that holiday!

OP I've done a few solo holidays because my DH is just not a holiday person. Scared of flying, hates the heat, has tried to do it for my sake but really doesn't enjoy it.

The difference is that he fully supports and encourages me to travel without him, because he knows it's something that's important to me and because he trusts me. He's not an insecure child.

You really need to get out of this marriage.

I'd only go on holiday with someone I wanted to go on holiday with. DH and I get on so we holiday together most of the time, but in your situation I wouldn't worry about it not being normal because to be honest your marriage isn't normal.

Tell him, once: "I am going on holiday to this place I have always wanted to see, I am going alone and won't entertain any questions or accusations of cheating. " Thereafter ignore him. Also tell your family so he can't tell then you have gone missing.

If the contacts the police tell them he is deliberately wasting their time as he was well aware you were on holiday.

Your partner wants to go on with his merry bachelor life and no accountability but act like lord and laster over you.

Sod that for a game of soldiers.

Put the pet in a cat/dog boarder facility and bugger off next time he has a holiday. Two can play at that game. Once you have done a solo holiday you will feel tremendously empowered to do it again.

I agree with all the PP who have said he sounds terrible and you should LTB.

However, to your specific question. I did lots of solo travelling as a single woman because I find it the most relaxing thing ever. And now that I am married, I still go travelling by myself at least once a year because I love it so.

I also go on holiday with DH and friends, and not once has DH ever been anything but supportive of my going on holiday by myself.

I've been travelling solo for years and love it. Reading your OP, I thought it was a straightforward case of double standards - Partner travels freely for leisure but when you wish to do the same he harasses you to the point that you drop your plans. This sounds like abuse/coercive control, which if you are in the UK may even be illegal, but I was still curious what his reasons were especially since it doesn't even seem like there are shared responsibilities (like children) that he's expecting you to handle alone. It took a reread for the realisation to kick in - he thinks (or pretends to think) that your travelling solo is somehow different and less legitimate than his travelling with friends. It isn't.

You could try reasoning with him that solo travel is common and many people do it to get away on their own and travel exactly as they wish. If they were "going with someone" or "meeting up with someone there", it wouldn't be solo travel and would defeat the purpose of going. You might show him articles about why people travel solo, or blogs by women who've been travelling solo regularly for years (there are literally thousands). You might point out that if you were going to cheat you could do it at home - and that if HE were going to cheat he could do it while travelling with friends.

I don't think there's much else you can do. The trust in your relationship is broken and it doesn't sound like anyone's taking steps to try to fix it (and if he is abusive, you won't be able to). So if you want to stay with this person AND you want to travel solo your best bet is to just quietly plan your trip, steel yourself for the reaction, prepare your family and friends, tell him you're going and his accusations won't change your mind (if you're able to do that without compromising your safety), and go. Or, do your prep work and DON'T tell him; drop him an email when you get where you're going. You have a right to live, and I wish you luck.

So why does he care if you did hypothetically meet someone else? If he asks just say “yeah I’m off to meet my new boyfriend, Juan, who has a massive cock. Yes, I’m a cheating whore and proud” and every time he says you’re a cheat just say “yeah baby” and wink at him.

Wrong to go away as a married woman! What about all the men who are currently away in the USA draining the family bank account for football? What about the thousands of married women who travel on business each year because its part of their job?

If its not wrong for these people then its not wrong for you as a "married woman" to travel alone. You didn't join a monastic order when you married and you say its only a piece of paper between you.

As a grown adult you are quite entitled to go abroad on holiday by yourself. Tell your family you are going to pre empt any drama he may kick off. The police will not do much if he reports you missing - they will see you have taken a flight, used bank cards (and if children are not involved) put it to down to man been an arse.

but honestly the relationship sounds toxic & controlling. He goes away but you are not. Ask him why he is so concerned about you cheating- is it because he has when he has been away?

The only way to do it is to just go and don’t listen to anything he says. Why are you living your life being controlled like this. You are missing out so much and one day you will look back and regret it. What’s stopping you joining things to make friends if you don’t have any. It’s not really a marriage. What would you miss if you left ?

I know this sounds harsh, but if you really want to go away you need to stand up for yourself. If he starts to question you, you can either answer him, reassure him or you stand firm and say “I am going on a trip by myself, you know the details and I don’t want to hear any more about it”. There’s not a lot more people can tell you to do really.

Absolutely nothing wrong with going away on your own. If you don’t, you are missing out on life. Also, he sounds awful. Maybe the distance will help you realise that.

Nope - people go solo all all the time. Plus you can join group holidays or self guided holidays which have an in country contact for assistance if required. Depends what you want to do.

I wish I could make friends. But I find it really hard. I tried to make some friends on Bumble and went out with a few women but the conversations never seem to flow well and things dried up. I wonder if there’s something wrong with me

Well if hes going to give you grief, he's going to give you grief and no advice given here is going to stop that happening. So it's really up to you to decide if you're willing to curtail your activities to keep him happy or if you'll do what you want to do and let the inevitable verbal abuse roll off you. Or as others have pointed out, you could leave him and then you could do what you want without having to worry about his reaction? That sounds like the best option frankly, so what is keeping you with him?

Why are you together? He is controlling and it doesn’t sound like you’re happy. Instead of planning a holiday I would be planning to leave him. Once you e split you can have as many holidays as you want by yourself, grief free.

You think there is something wrong with you and I bet he’s be subtly telling you that for years.been there. Knocks your selF confidence to pieces

friendships take years to develop - conversation can be difficult. I think shared hobby groups usually work best - or a volunteering activity. Even then it usually takes something to really make friends from acquaintances - a disaster , a stressful situation. Just meeting up for coffee or a walk only goes so far . and don’t be scared of silences. Being happy in company doesn’t require constant chatter

Shirley Valentine springs to mind.

I would book it, tell him quite late to minimise the complaints and turn my phone off whilst away.

Or book an organised trip if I thought it would be fun and cause less issues - there are loads I can think of, from Intrepid, skiing, Oak Hall, history coach tours, birdwatching in small groups, golf etc.

Or book a pet sitter/kennels etc and go the same week he goes.

So why do you care what he says? Just go.