Not sleeping with someone unless you have feelings for them?

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I posted in another group about potentially having a FWB arrangement with an ex. Long story short, it’s something I’m considering. I explained that I don’t have romantic feelings for him anymore (I don’t dislike him, I just don’t see him that way), and I was amazed by how many women were horrified at the idea of having sex with someone I don’t have feelings for.
A lot of them said they could never sleep with someone unless they had feelings for them. That genuinely surprised me because I don’t think that’s true for most people, women included.
I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with women choosing to have sex because they enjoy sex, not just because they’re in love or developing feelings. If that’s not for you, that’s absolutely fine, but it seems odd to act as though women only ever have sex when there’s an emotional attachment.
If that were really the case, how do people have sex in the early stages of dating? What about ONS, casual dating, or the often mentioned “three date rule”? Which I hear lots of women mentioning. Surely most people aren’t already emotionally invested by then? Whats your thoughts?

I’ve been happily married for aeons, but I had no issue whatsoever with sleeping with men I had no feelings for. Sex is a morally neutral, enjoyable thing for me. I’m not exchanging it for commitment or offering it as a reward for being good company for three dates. I tended to sleep with people almost immediately. For me, far less of a risk (taking the obvious safety precautions) than developing feelings for someone who turned out to be awful in bed, or have incompatible kinks or whatever. I also had two longterm FWBs which worked well. We’re still in touch years on.

I think it’s a marmite thing, those who can’t do it cannot understand those who do, and vice versa.

If I find someone pleasant enough in character, and pleasant to look at, I’m good!

And sooner rather than later - I have no interest in pursuing someone who I don’t click with in bed. If bed doesn’t work, that’s it.

some people can enjoy the dance without any attachments,

I agree with your friend in the sense I couldn’t sleep with someone without feelings. But having said that a very good friend of mine is able to do so and enjoy it. There is nothing wrong with just enjoying sex without feelings and I think it’s true that there are women who are able to do this and others that aren’t.

It wasn’t friends sorry it was on a group online. I couldn’t believe the judgement felt like I had travelled back in a Time Machine apparently sleeping with someone you aren’t in love with “isnt a flex” 🤦‍♀️even if I met someone new I would still sleep with them before feelings developed because I liked and fancied them, thats enough, I don’t need to be in love with someone.

I’m curious, where? Reddit?

I don't want to develop feelings for someone if they turn out to be crap in bed. And I've had some great sex with guys I wouldn't want a proper relationship with. A ONS can be great fun.

Doesn't work for everyone. Life would be dull if we were all the same.

Sorry I misread! I thought it said friend. Judgment is completely unnecessary. Do what’s right for you. It’s not like you are forcing people to do what you do. You are consenting adults and that’s all there is to it. In the same way that if someone needs to have feelings for the other person before sleeping with them that’s ok to. Who cares that much about what others are doing to judge them.

I wouldn't sleep with someone I don't have feelings for. But I know people who do, and both are ok. Just different. I don't judge for different opinions

Anyone needing to have feelings first - what is a typical length of time for those to develop? Is it the same time for every man, or it varies? Are we talking days/weeks/months?

I’m probably not the best person to answer as I have been married for a long time … well 16 years. I slept with my husband after we had been dating for 4 months.

Not sleeping with someone unless you have feelings for them is fine.

Being horrified could mean in reference to them doing it.

To each their own. If you're posting for validation are you sure you're completely comfortable with the concept?

Of course im ok with it as ive done it before. These were direct quotes “how can you have sex with someone you have no feelings for?” me “the same way men do” them “then you need to do some soul searching girl cuz that ain’t it” someone “you don’t need sex that bad do you? Women can go without! I wouldn’t have sex outside of a relationship” none of those sound like they were only talking about themselves

I didn’t get the feeling she was posting for validation, I think it was a surprise that other people felt so strongly opposed to something she felt was less…..controversial?

Like the first time you realise that you don’t have to listen to the Queen or King speaking at 3pm on Christmas Day!

edited - oops, cross posted there.

I already know that I am an outlier in my own wider friendship group, for needing to know someone reasonably well before ever developing sexual feelings for anyone. I’m also old and long term married but even so, know that I am attracted to men who are reasonably intelligent and funny with it. There are lots of forms of intelligence, it’s got to be the smart funny one for me. Then he has to be interested in me for my thought rather than my body. Once we establish that which obvs takes a while then we are in with a chance.

if he overtly shows interest in my physicality before I’ve worked out what kind of person he is, then it will never go any further.

I don’t judge others for being different, lots of my friends are amused by my approach. I’ve always just been like this.

I’m not looking for validation. I was just surprised by some of the judgement in 2026. I thought it was pretty well understood by now that women can enjoy sex simply because it’s fun, not only when they’re in a relationship or have deep feelings for someone. For me, finding someone attractive and liking them is enough.

I wonder whether it was a different interpretation of the word ‘feelings’?

To some that’s chemistry and physical attraction.
To others that might be a deeper emotional connection.

Both are valid.

I couldn’t do it; I would need to have strong emotional feelings. I don’t judge other people - it’s entirely their decision.

I don’t see why you are surprised that others do judge though? People judge others all the time, for many things.

I have no feelings for him is what I put, maybe they’ve taken that as I hate him. I just meant not romantic ones.

You can. Others can’t. You’re also judging them for “feeling that way in 2026” and saying you felt like you’d traveled in a time machine.

As for how it works, I simply don’t ever have physical attraction towards a man unless I know him and have feelings for him. He can be drop dead gorgeous and I’ll admire him in a detached way but there’s absolutely zero desire to sleep with him just because I like his appearance.

Where’s the judgement? Talk about twist my words, my comment about 2026 was people shouldn’t be judging women for LIKING sex, not that it’s 2026 they shouldn’t wait to have feelings before sleeping with someone 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

you’d have a point if that’s what I was saying but what I was actually saying is it’s 2026 women shouldn’t be judged for liking sex in 2026 and yes it feels very old fashioned. I did not judge anyone for waiting to have feelings before sleeping with someone.

Many are still brought up to believe that “naice girls” don’t. I was once told on MN that they had names for girls like me when they were at school.

Sometimes l think we are back in the days when sex is looked upon as something a woman “gave” to a man, almost as a little treat for him being good. She would then raise her asbestos nightie and stare at the ceiling until it was all over.

There are feelings and there are feelings. Good sex requires some feelings, it requires that little fanny flutter and lots of passion. They are the feelings you need. It’s more than the other party’s appearance, it’s liking your initial thoughts on their personality.

This is a really interesting thread. I am online dating atm so the thought enters my head quite a lot.

I (unfortunately- I don’t want to be this way) can only enjoy sex if I feel connected emotionally to someone. Otherwise it just feels like mechanical and unfulfilling .It’s annoying as I’d love to be having more great sex but something blocks that unless feelings have developed.

I guess it’s a chicken and egg situation- in my case… does enjoyable sex happen BECAUSE the emotional connection is there (I think this is me) or do you end up feeling more emotionally connected because the sex is great? Or (your situation) is sex in isolation with no feelings also able to be enjoyable? Everyone is different so there is no right or wrong answer.

This is particularly topical as I have a third date tonight and it’s commonly acknowledged that the third date means sex. He’s a decent man and I know he wouldn’t push me - it may or may not happen - I’ll see how I feel , but my overriding feeling is one of - ‘but I don’t know you. We’ve sat across a table in a bar for a couple of hours twice’ - having sex feels like a huge leap from that!

That said it might also be that I’m thinking about my wobbly belly and other issues!

I don’t know OP but what I do know is there should be absolutely no judgment from anyone else as to what you do. It all sounds very pearl clutchy and I bet those posters who you felt judged by are married. Not saying that you automatically feel this way if you are married - this thread proves that - but I think often it’s people who are a million miles away from a situation that can imagine it the least.

I’m envious of you for being able to enjoy sex for sex’s sake!!

It really shouldn’t matter what anyone else thinks, if something is right for you it doesn’t matter if its wrong for some else ans vice versa.

I personally only have sex with someone I love and who I’m in a commited relationship with, I don’t care what anyone else does because it simply doesn’t matter.

Whatever you do in life there will always be someone wanting to be negative, you just have to make sure you please yourself and not other people.