Not sleeping with someone unless you have feelings for them?

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I posted in another group about potentially having a FWB arrangement with an ex. Long story short, it’s something I’m considering. I explained that I don’t have romantic feelings for him anymore (I don’t dislike him, I just don’t see him that way), and I was amazed by how many women were horrified at the idea of having sex with someone I don’t have feelings for.
A lot of them said they could never sleep with someone unless they had feelings for them. That genuinely surprised me because I don’t think that’s true for most people, women included.
I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with women choosing to have sex because they enjoy sex, not just because they’re in love or developing feelings. If that’s not for you, that’s absolutely fine, but it seems odd to act as though women only ever have sex when there’s an emotional attachment.
If that were really the case, how do people have sex in the early stages of dating? What about ONS, casual dating, or the often mentioned “three date rule”? Which I hear lots of women mentioning. Surely most people aren’t already emotionally invested by then? Whats your thoughts?

Ancient history (been with DH 25+ years) but i’ve had a couple of ONSs and also slept with DH (and previous BFs) before i had any real emotional attachment to them. I think i would struggle with FWB though because if i’m having regular sex with someone, i tend to develop feelings (or, if the feelings don’t come, i stop wanting to have sex). There are quite regular posts on here from people who have fallen for their FWB and want more or their FWB has fallen for them and wants more or their FWB arrangement has ended.

@Dery - I’m old school and prefer the term “lovers” rather than FWBs. But for “feeling control”, having 2 works out much better than one.

Fancying the pants off someone and sexual chemistry trumps feelings every time. They are feelings of a kind but not on an emotional level. Purely animalistic. I've had enough ONS to know that in that passionate moment it's purely transactional.

…and talking about feelings, when it’s right you feel so much better afterwards!

But you do find him sexually attractive though? That in itself is a feeling surely?

We still live under patriarchy! There’s loads of judgement out there, except it’s more hidden now as it’s not socially acceptable to publicly shame, but they still think it. Anon forums are a place for people to unleash their true feelings. Men judge women ( but quite enjoy the no strings leg over, but they will put you into the ‘not marriage material box’ and women judge other women ( part jealously and because a sexually liberated woman is perceived as a threat to them coz you might steal their man).

No Romantic feelings. If I met a man and slept with him on the first date because I fancied him and found him sexually attractive i wouldn’t say I had feelings for him? Would you?

I prefer to try the milk before purchasing the whole cow so I do a ‘tester run’ lol

It’s a funny old world though. My sister bedded her now husband within a couple of hours of meeting him (a mutual friends wedding, conveniently in an hotel), and they’ve been married years.

@StarlightLady - thanks for your insight. That makes sense.

I think it’s like what another poster said, a marmite situation, each side may not understand what the other feels.
For me I can’t have sex unless I’m very connected to the person and have feelings for them, I have tried a few times with people I’m just attracted to but get this weird repulsed feeling.
However this has then led me a couple of times to then be head over heels with someone shite in bed 🙄

I was never a ONS person, no judgement for those that are - it just wasnt for me.
Every person ive slept with ive been in a committed relationship with and they have lasted (shortest 8 months) they weren't just "dating/flings".

Although I find people attractive when I first see them, I'm not drawn to jump into bed with them til I know them a bit more and there is the beginnings of a strong emotional connection there too

My thoughts exactly! No judgement from me on enjoying consenting sex without the commitment as long as you both know the score! The problem I’m finding with online dating currently having been in a long term relationship/marriage for over 20 years is whether I’m a bit ‘odd’ and out of touch in hoping sex means there’s a reciprocal desire to at least explore seriously the possibility of it developing into a committed long term relationship. My pattern has been long term relationships and only sleeping with guys I’ve developed feelings for, but suspect there’s also a ‘chicken and egg’ situation of feelings deepening because I’ve slept with someone too. Like @beasmithwentworth I sort of wish I was a bit more able to enjoy (safe) sex with someone just because I'm attracted to them, not because I see them as long term partner potential. I think clarity and consent is key here!

I think the trick is knowing it wouldn’t go anywhere with someone like you want very different things? People seem to think I will develop feelings because “I’m a woman” but I’ve had casual sex and fwb in the past and never developed any feelings at all…

Of course it’s possible to have good sex with someone you’re not in love with, that’s how most relationships start. And I’m a firm believer in ‘try before you buy’ as sexual incompatibility will kill any potential LTR. Having an emotional connection can make it better, but women are still allowed to enjoy no strings sex, if it’s good.
We have all sort of options and choices nowadays, even though it’s often other women judging not just the patriarchy.
Enjoy life, it’s too short not to.

Unfortunately, MN is full of posters who either didn’t “try before they buy” or didn’t heed what they found out when they “tried”. Others “bought” and, in spite of promises, it broke.

DH and I slept together on our first date. In 1992. I’m not sure what’s ‘funny old world’ about it, though, unless you think that sex is a reward women give men for demonstrating commitment.

But presumably you do find him attractive in some way? Those are feelings, just not romantic ones.

I don't have a problem with it, and if it's a fwb situation you are after then feelings are definitely not the way to go 😂

I’ve already explained that, I’ve slept with men on the first date because I fancied them, would you say I had feelings for them? I wouldn’t 🤣

Also I can fancy a celeb or find him sexually attractive that’s not having feelings for someone?

“Funny old world” is an expression l use, l wouldn’t dream of saying anything negative about my lovely sister. Like you, l was just demonstrating that first date sex can lead to marriage. I’ve said up thread that sex is wrongly seen by some as something that women give men. For the record, l’m bi.

l’ve had first date sex, l’ve had sex with friends, l’ve had sex with different people the same week. x

I agree OP you can be sexually attracted to someone but not have feelings for them.

I’m not sure how people are not understanding that. 🤣

Why were you on a date with them if you didn't have feelings for them? Meeting for sex is entirely a thing so just call it that, zero shame.

To be fair it's probably the definition of feelings like you say but there's a world of a difference between having sex with someone you've been on even a single date with and someone you've had a previous relationship with. Sexual attraction is a romantic feeling, plenty of people confuse it with it being a sign you'd make a good couple and should be in a relationship but that by itself isn't a great idea.

If you can have sex with someone you have no feelings for at all, you can nip down down to your local sex club and hop on the first bloke who looks in your direction no matter what your feelings towards him. If you're able to have sex with someone you find attractive but don't want a relationship with, there's literally millions of women doing that right now.