Not sleeping with someone unless you have feelings for them?

[AppleCloud]

I posted in another group about potentially having a FWB arrangement with an ex. Long story short, it’s something I’m considering. I explained that I don’t have romantic feelings for him anymore (I don’t dislike him, I just don’t see him that way), and I was amazed by how many women were horrified at the idea of having sex with someone I don’t have feelings for.
A lot of them said they could never sleep with someone unless they had feelings for them. That genuinely surprised me because I don’t think that’s true for most people, women included.
I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with women choosing to have sex because they enjoy sex, not just because they’re in love or developing feelings. If that’s not for you, that’s absolutely fine, but it seems odd to act as though women only ever have sex when there’s an emotional attachment.
If that were really the case, how do people have sex in the early stages of dating? What about ONS, casual dating, or the often mentioned “three date rule”? Which I hear lots of women mentioning. Surely most people aren’t already emotionally invested by then? Whats your thoughts?

Why is the concept that different people have different opinions difficult? We don't all have to agree that no strings attached sex is desirable.

Of course you'll get people not understanding that and it's fine. Why do you need everyone to agree?

Why are you listening to random people’s opinions on something you are obviously ok with is the real question? You don’t know who these people are so why do you care what they think? They could have all kinds of reasons for thinking how they do but none of them should matter to you.

Beware, there is a man on this thread who pretends to be a woman, probably looking to chat about sex with women so careful of posting too much detail.

Because the sex wasn’t planned in advance, I was online dating looking for a partner but if I wanted to sleep with someone the first night then I would. it just happened and we actually stayed together for 6 years. Point is I didn’t have feelings for him the first night I met him did I? I didn’t meet him with the intention to have sex with him only I was open to what it may lead to but The feelings didn’t come till later though. But I don’t need to have feelings for someone to have sex with them on the first night it could just be if I fancied it or not. And fancying someone doesn’t mean you have feelings for them as I don’t have feelings for people I don’t know.

Oh right thanks for the heads up.

Ok, so you're basically saying you can have sex with someone you're sexually attracted to without any intention of having a relationship with them. Which describes a significant proportion of the population, it's not some sort of edgy flex.

No one thinks it is? My whole post is saying that, that most women do that 🤣 not sure why you’re trying to argue I’ve said anything different or I thought it was “edgy” I’ve literally said the opposite.

That genuinely surprised me because I don’t think that’s true for most people, women included.
I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with women choosing to have sex because they enjoy sex, not just because they’re in love or developing feelings. If that’s not for you, that’s absolutely fine, but it seems odd to act as though women only ever have sex when there’s an emotional attachment.

maybe try reading it again. Nowhere did I claim it was “edgy”

I'm a feelings first type of person.
Can I just ask what is it that attracts you to men that you have no feelings for? Only because I literally can't imagine it. Is it that you feel horny so any man will do or is it more that you see a 'good looking' man and want to have sex with him particularly?
I can appreciate Jason Momoa, Jude Bellingham, Sam Ryder, ds's uni friends yadayada are nice enough looking men but I would fight to the death not to have sex with them because I don't know them. So it would never 'be fun' it would be absolutely terrible.

No I would need to find him physically attractive of course, do you wonder the same about men
or only women out of interest?

and no it’s definitely not that any man will do. 😂 If I’m attracted to someone and I’m horny, then yeah, I’d happily have sex with them. I don’t need to be in love with them or have feelings for them first.
That’s how dating was for me too. I wasn’t catching feelings after two or three dates, I was just attracted to them and wanted to sleep with them. Isn’t that how plenty of people date?!
I get that some people genuinely need an emotional connection first, and that’s completely fine. But I don’t think it’s strange that some of us are happy having sex just because we fancy someone. For me, sex and romantic feelings are two separate things. Also as already been mentioned I don't want to develop feelings for them then find out they are crap in bed!

Why do you care that some people think differently to you? You were are on a random forum discussing this, of course you will get people with different views responding. It’s weird that you are surprised that people think differently about this.

It’s not thinking differently it’s openly judging people for it. You can think differently but you don’t need to judge someone.

Agreed @AppleCloud. I don’t think it’s strange at all. Why should we all think and feel the same way? I envy those that can just enjoy sex in an uncomplicated was for what it is. It’s far more complex (and frustrating) having to have feelings for someone in order to enjoy it or find it gratifying.

Maybe I should give it a go later on today (third date tonight and I’m still not sure if I have enough feelings but he’s lovely so definitely worth a third date!)

But everyone judges things, and if you write about your choices online, you open yourself up to that. You either deal with that or stop telling random people about who you choose to sleep with. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Funny it was only women doing the judging. Plenty of men commented and managed not to be judgemental.

Was that on a forum where there were a lot of Americans I wonder? Although religiosity has declined there, they are more religious than Brits. I don't think you'd get outrage or shock here. More concern than anything, just in case you do end up developing feelings for someone who isn't right for you. You might the exception, but sex for women biologically isn't the same men. We produce more oxytocin during sex which bonds us more to the other person.

I don't think this is a 'most people' situation, it's some applying their own situation to others when there is a wide range of normal and an even wider range of mixed cultural messages about sex and emotions.

Not everyone gets sexual interest at the same pace, just like not everyone gets romantic interest at the same pace. Not everyone gets sexual interest before romantic interest or the other way around.

Some people do ONS, casual dating sex, three date rule, FWBs, and some people never do.

Some people try casual sex, don't like it, and choose otherwise after that (this may be the ones going on about you needing a rethink, presuming you'll regret it because they did) and some people try only close relationship sex and later get into casual sex.

Some people really enjoy sex but have no sexual interest in others unless they're emotionally close to them. They do not have celebrity crushes or get the appeal of one night stands - I've had some fun conversations trying and failing to explain it. I know people who've only dated friends they've known for a year+ not because of the time, but because they had no romantic or sexual interest develop until they knew the person well.

I'm practically the opposite - I can get emotionally invested quickly and intensely. Sometimes sexual interest arrives with it just as strongly, sometimes it comes later, sometimes it never does. I can't recall a time sexual interest came first, but there were times as a young adult I chose to have sex with someone sexually interested in me for fun/because I grew up with a lot of messages around sex, largely that sex as fun should be prioritised, that to do otherwise was 'old fashioned'/dull, that that's what "most people" do when not hindered by cultural messages and judgements otherwise. It took me time to see that those were also cultural messages and judgements, that I was just as much impacted by those as I was the ones that connected sex with feelings, bonding, and relationships, and to figure out what really works for me.

The fact is that most women can have sex with men whenever they like. That isn’t the same for men. So obviously men, especially men hanging around an online group where women are chatting about sex, will not judge women doing it, they’ll be very much for it, as it increases the likelihood of them having sex. It’s in their interest to normalise women having sex more freely.

Spotted him as well. He disappeared for a while but he’s back chatting about knickers and bras at every opportunity with the ladies. 🤮

My sincere apologies OP, what did the other people on the group actually say when you said you were able to have sex with someone you're sexually attracted to without having any intention of having a relationship with you? Screenshot might be helpful.

I think it depends on how easily you develop ' feelings'. I couldnt have an emotional connection to someone I had known less than six months, and even then they aren't deep feelings.

I definitely wouldn't want to wait over 6 months before I had sex with someone. What if there was then no sexual compatibility?

Some people claim they can fall in love in a matter of weeks, so for them, of course it is easy not to have sex without feelings.

No adults should be judged for engaging in safe, consensual sex.

Actually yes, it was! Most of the people commenting were American. Although this thread seems to have attracted a lot of people who say they wouldn’t sleep with someone unless they were in love or had strong feelings, which has genuinely surprised me.
From reading MN over the years, I’d have said the opposite! There are loads of threads where people talk about sleeping with someone on the first or second date, or as soon as possible 🤣. So maybe it isn’t an American thing after all or perhaps this thread has just attracted a particular crowd

For me, I don’t / wouldn’t have sex with someone unless I was very attracted to them. And for me to be very attracted to them it’s generally more than looks anyway, it’s the general package. So this results in me only having sex with someone I’m interested in having a relationship with.

But that’s just me. I’m aware that many women get enjoyment out of sex purely for sex’s sake, whether they want a relationship with the guy or not, and that’s fine.

I think even if it’s someone you just met or early dating you still have some feelings, even if you’re not thinking long term you’re having a fun vibe and enjoying the chemistry and attention etc so those are ‘feelings’ !

i also think you have feelings for your ex, like you like him as a friend or enjoy his company to some extent etc. you just don’t feel ‘I want to build a long term partnership with him’

I would at a minimum need to be 1. Attracted and 2. Feel safe with them. The safety can take longer to build if you meet them as a stranger but there might be other things that make you feel safe, eg you know you have mutual friends, they have a nurturing profession etc (note ‘feel’ safe not be safe as these guys can still be awful)