Not sleeping with someone unless you have feelings for them?

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I posted in another group about potentially having a FWB arrangement with an ex. Long story short, it’s something I’m considering. I explained that I don’t have romantic feelings for him anymore (I don’t dislike him, I just don’t see him that way), and I was amazed by how many women were horrified at the idea of having sex with someone I don’t have feelings for.
A lot of them said they could never sleep with someone unless they had feelings for them. That genuinely surprised me because I don’t think that’s true for most people, women included.
I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with women choosing to have sex because they enjoy sex, not just because they’re in love or developing feelings. If that’s not for you, that’s absolutely fine, but it seems odd to act as though women only ever have sex when there’s an emotional attachment.
If that were really the case, how do people have sex in the early stages of dating? What about ONS, casual dating, or the often mentioned “three date rule”? Which I hear lots of women mentioning. Surely most people aren’t already emotionally invested by then? Whats your thoughts?

Yes they obviously meant feelings as in “want
to be back with him”
though which I don’t couldnt think of anything worse

A fwb arrangement with an ex or a friend means you already know he is decent in bed (and safe) and you can communicate.

I think some people use 'have feelings' as a euphemism for feeling somewhat confident that there is a level of respect/ safety before jumping into bed with someone new. First time or one off sex can be a bit hit and miss (for women especially) and if you were hoping for more and they disappear after getting what they want it can leave you feeling a hurt.

I think you need to have a good baseline level of confidence (and be confident to ask for what you want in bed, ideally before you get into bed!) to have successful casualsex with someoneyou don't already know.

See ive had some great ONS in my 20s mainly when I was on holiday so had intention of seeing them again anyway. I wouldn’t have them now but that’s just because I would prefer something more regular.

I couldn’t sleep with anyone I didn’t have feelings for either - hence why I’m alone (usually if I develop feelings, they don’t have feelings for me OR the other way around). I think having feelings (even loving that person) makes sex even more passionate and enjoyable. The only man who could ever make me squirt and get really passionate (sorry - tmi) was someone I had deep feelings for (and was in love with).

It’s not the same as ‘having feelings’, but I have to like a person, and they have to have a sense of humour, or I physically can’t fancy them. My loins will simply not be stirred.

FWIW I am also not a terribly visual person - not just with people but in general. I am not moved by visual art particularly, or great design. I wonder if that’s a factor.

If ‘feelings’ includes fancying, I’d say that’s absolutely fine. Sometimes you just want some good sex? You don’t need any romantic involvement.

Let’s be honest by feelings they meant am I in love with or do I want him back. Not do I still find him sexually attractive.

I guess it’s a chicken and egg situation- in my case… does enjoyable sex happen BECAUSE the emotional connection is there (I think this is me) or do you end up feeling more emotionally connected because the sex is great? Or (your situation) is sex in isolation with no feelings also able to be enjoyable?

For me the 2 things are separate- fancying the pants off some one and being in love with them. Tbe can coexist but don't have to.

Whatever you read online, always take with a grain of salt.

When I was younger I probably could have but I hadn’t been with anyone for 10 years before I met my partner. I made it clear I wanted to meet a couple times before anything happened and he was the same. I’m more attracted to personality that anything, so if he had been a knob I would have been seriously turned off. Luckily for me he’s the best person I know. As I said I’ve been there done it and clearly never worked out or someone got feelings and after separating from my baby dad I was never ready for a serious relationship. I say go for it! Who cares it’s your choice at the end of the day. Nothing wrong with some fun

So really gently this time OP, it sounds like the responses you got to your question on the other forum on whether you should get into a fwb with an ex was a good idea were that no, it's a very bad idea.

I still highly doubt anyone was horrified at the idea you could have sex with someone you find attractive without wanting a relationship with them, regardless of their personal preference to have sex with someone they want a relationship with.

I suspect you got some good advice on the other forum that's worth having a think about. If you genuinely have zero interest in getting back with him and just want sex then you'd be on with it now. If you're fine having sex with someone without having feelings for them there's multiple safe ways you can do this: Nymph is a new hookup app, Tinder is still massively for hookups and casual sex despite many blokes lying and setting their profiles to 'looking for a long term relationship'. Make sure a real life friend knows your plans and always meet in public first (to get a vibe check on eachother, not for the actual sex obvs).

No-one on an anonymous forum can definitively tell you if it's going to end well if you get into an fwb with an ex, but from experience and the experience of friends it's never a good idea and can get messy. If you'd posed your original question as 'I asked on another forum if having a fwb with an ex was a good idea and everyone said no, what do you think Mumsnet?' you would have got very similar answers to your other forum post.

ive already quoted the post you clearly have missed them, it was about having sex without having feelings. I won’t screen shot as I don’t need to prove it to anyone and I don’t want to out where I posted

Ha!

I'd say that was the extreme end, and that most women fall in the middle. They want to have some sense of familiarity or trust and sexual attraction, but they don't need to have strong feelings. A lot of women simply acknowledge that if they do start having sex, that they risk develop feelings for that man, which wouldn't be ideal in some circumstances.

I've been on this forum for years now too, and I haven't seen the loads of threads you're talking about. Certainly, there are a few that start talking about it and ask if it's a good idea, and then you get mixed responses, but I haven't seen regular examples of the majority of posters encouraging this in response.

Any threads regarding casual sex or friends with benefits tend to come from older women who prefer it to suit their busy lives at the time, but it's not something that's done as a norm by younger women, even today.

The ones im referring to are the ones where people ask how quickly should you sleep with someone then everyone comes along to say they usually do it on the first date 🤣🫢

I think I read that about a third of women have one night stands. That means most don't. Not everyone has sex on the third date either even though it's a 'thing' that people mention.

Yeah I don’t think ONS are massively common but definitely most women aren’t waiting till they have feelings before having sex (I don’t believe that 🤭)

To be honest feelings or not if I actually found someone I fancied and trusted enough to to sleep with I’d be all over him.

I put the loose rule in place about six years ago that I wasn’t going to have sex with anyone again unless I really fancied them and there was solid chemistry or there were feelings and trust. It’s been six years and no one has met that bar yet. A couple of times I’ve almost folded but no sex. And I wasn’t aware that I was fussy…but no one is doing it for me.

If I had a hot ex who wasn’t a total bellend I’d be on him like sand on the seashore.

Go you, get some.

Cool, get booty calling your ex then. Let us know how it goes.

Thanks thats how I feel, I haven’t found anyone i want to sleep with for a long time as believe it or not i dont just have sex with every man I see like suggested 🫢 I actually haven’t had sex in years 🤣 but I have an itch to scratch and I don’t mind having someone who I don’t have feelings for helping me out, it’s just a favour!

This is very "good girls don't like sex" and only do it when they're in love as a special reward for the love of their life. Which might be true for some people, but I'm sure loads more just do it because it's fun and orgasms feel good. The reason more women don't get to express this is because it's not safe and there is always the threat of physical violence and death with every new encounter so they swerve the danger.

Yes that’s true, hence why going back to an ex but absolutely no feelings there but that seems to upset people!

Safety wise, sex with your ex (I really should be a poet) is the safest because you know him. But asking online you’ll always get people saying the things they’d never say out loud, because they have this inner judgemental attitude. And there are those who would not speak this permissively (have I used the right word 🤔?) in person, but will do online.

I am on the DO40 sub, Americans on there are weirdly judgemental of anyone doing things differently from how they would do things. I once got downvoted a lot for saying you don’t have to have many FWBs, to only have one and for him to only have you is fine. They were saying ‘well that’s a relationship’ and ‘you’re tying him down, he will definitely be having sex with other people’. Which wasn’t true, but……the Americans there thought they knew better! So I don’t take much notice of peoples opinions any more. I ask, and I read the answers but then I come to my own conclusion which might have nothing to do with what I’ve read.

I get you, OP. They were extremely narrow minded.

sometimes they do steal their man, because hes stealable and they offer better platter so to speak, however long term is not always prefered

the religious ones are puzzling, when they are horny then its religion in the wind, then after the session its then judging other women who have or do similar its like omg pot kettle etc