Would you let your child miss sports day over anxiety?

[Thepeopleversuswork]

My DD (15) hates competitive sport to the point of phobia. She's not unfit and does some exercise in her own time, but she hates the competitive pressure that gets put on kids at school who are bad at, or even just average at, games at school. Her school is really big on certain sports.

She's in a 'house' with a bunch of particularly competitive girls for sports day who she thinks don't like her and have unilaterally assigned her to do a particular running race which she's not comfortable with and she feels she's being set up to fail so they can pick on her for being shit.

I'm in two minds about how to handle this: I'm not a fan of encouraging children to sit things out if they are difficult and am generally a firm believer in the idea that tackling hard things and surviving them builds resilience. But her aversion to this is really extreme and there seems to be a slightly bullying edge to the approach these girls are taking. I sympathise as I also loathed the culture around PE at school and the 'all or nothing' approach to competing. It's very alienating for children who aren't good at games or just don't prioritise them.

She's begged me to allow her to pull a sickie for sports day. I've suggested speaking to her form teacher to allow her to be put in a different group but she's adamant that it will be obvious why this has happened.

Would you let your child sit this out?

No they really don’t.

You know the story of the horse seabiscuit?

When you’re small or overweight or whatever it is that makes you not as fast or sporty or whatever, and you always come in last in these things, other people might not remember it but you do and over time it crushes you. It teaches you that you exist simply to lose to make others feel better about themselves.

It’s a sick game and I wouldn’t let my children play it. Even if all their kids in the class are equally matched. I recognise the damage it caused me and others in my class. It’s a cruel thing to do to children and can have lasting implications.

Of course they remember if it is the same person coming last every single time.

Yep.

It might make those doing the loser clapping feel wholesome and like they are doing something good but it just seems to make the child in question feel like shit in my experience.

Because it's largely about how the ones doing the clapping are feeling. I suppose some very young children may like it but I feel like past Reception/Year 1 age, they generally absolutely hate it.

Yes, definitely. Her well-being comes first.

I agree, which is why I said a compromise should be sought.

What sort of compromise?

Odd they force the non sporty to take part at that age. At DDs school the keen athletes took part and everyone else cheered them on and did face painting. So everyone was happy (girls school). It is supposed to be fun after all!

I definitely like the idea of finding other ways for the non-sporty kids to join in and be a part of things some other way. At my school if we weren't competing in sports day we had to attend as spectators, and it was like watching paint dry.

Absolutely agree. Emotional well being is more important. She's got a lifetime to build resilience but she shouldn't have to be subject to bullying. It's unacceptable. Hopefully she'll be free from these toxic girls soon.

Yes, that's my DS. Almost every year. About 3 years ago he came home beaming, the was another kid even worse than him! He only came second last. That kid left the school so the next year he was back to last again. Believe me everyone knows and remembers because it's every year. That's why he stayed home this year. So yes, we are enabling some other poor kid come last for a change but I honestly don't care anymore. My DS can't always be the one humiliated

Well done for protecting your son.

Frankly I can't believe they're still doing sports days. They're so messed up. And they absolutely do longterm damage.

Probably into my mid to late twenties the thought of any kind of competition made me uncomfortable. And we aren't just talking sports. Even board games.

It's weird how stuff stays with you. And it doesnt just set you up to criticise yourself, it affects they whole dynamic with your peers. People don't want to be friends with the kid who always comes in last. This in turn makes you vulnerable to predators. In my case, a teacher singled me out to bully.

Keep watch on your kid!

@ruethewhirlFinding alternative “jobs” and participation in some way can be found if a school thinks about it! However someone, even with sportier dc, will be last. It’s what competitive sport is about and I don’t think we really want that curtailed do we? As a nation, we do like competitive sport and these dc do need opportunities too!

The non sporty dc can serve drinks, make banners, support their friends, add up points scores etc. Supporting friends is also important and valuable in life.

Yep, of course someone always has to be last. But I think there's a big difference between a sporty kid being beaten by their sporty peers (possibly having only been beaten by a small margin), and an unsporty kid being left trailing behind by a country mile to be laughed at by the other kids. Definitely agree it shouldn't be hard for schools to find something for non-participants to do instead that would let them support the event in their own way.

@ruethewhirl Well my DD came last by a country mile because she took part when another girl didn’t show up! Her house mates cheered for her and congratulated her because they got a valuable point. It was the parents who thought it was funny! As House Captain she felt it mattered. Decent dc knew she had bothered!

Yes - its not worth causing her so much stress.