Would you let your child miss sports day over anxiety?

[Thepeopleversuswork]

My DD (15) hates competitive sport to the point of phobia. She's not unfit and does some exercise in her own time, but she hates the competitive pressure that gets put on kids at school who are bad at, or even just average at, games at school. Her school is really big on certain sports.

She's in a 'house' with a bunch of particularly competitive girls for sports day who she thinks don't like her and have unilaterally assigned her to do a particular running race which she's not comfortable with and she feels she's being set up to fail so they can pick on her for being shit.

I'm in two minds about how to handle this: I'm not a fan of encouraging children to sit things out if they are difficult and am generally a firm believer in the idea that tackling hard things and surviving them builds resilience. But her aversion to this is really extreme and there seems to be a slightly bullying edge to the approach these girls are taking. I sympathise as I also loathed the culture around PE at school and the 'all or nothing' approach to competing. It's very alienating for children who aren't good at games or just don't prioritise them.

She's begged me to allow her to pull a sickie for sports day. I've suggested speaking to her form teacher to allow her to be put in a different group but she's adamant that it will be obvious why this has happened.

Would you let your child sit this out?

There's a lot of supposition in this post. You don't know whether DD will be allowed to refuse to do the 800 metres if she's not there. You don't know who'll be watching. You don't know that she'll get a big clap for finishing last. You've had to fill in a lot of gaps here to come up with something that doesn't involve a person who knows more about the situation than any of us do being right.

I know of a couple in DSs group who missed it.... Same reasons. I would have done the same.

100% I would pull her out. I did with my own children. I still hate exercise due to school sports and PE.

There was nothing good in it for me.

My DD filled in for absent girls back in the day. Not just at sport either. It sucks. On sports day it was 800m and that sucked too. She was House Captain and took that role seriously. Others didn’t take any role seriously. As she was a lap behind everyone else (well nearly) she was welcomed home by her teammates because she got a variable (as it turned out) point! Parents - I heard a dad say “what’s that girl in the race for? She’s useless”. Yes, some parents are shits. I explained to him that she was my DD and she did it for the team and that was a good thing. We don’t believe in ducking out when the going gets tough because in life, it does. You have to have a go.

Refusing to do something you dislike just because a bully told you to is dealing with bullying

Exactly. Don't let the bullies get their way.

I’m always on the fence with these posts. I get some kids are not sporty but what about the dyslexic kid who excels are sports? Why don’t they get their time to shine?
They have anxiety about English and Maths lessons every single day, laughed at when they can’t read out loud in class. They don’t have the option to sit out or stay home.

They have exams and regular testing with grades read out which is pretty much the same.

They have exams and regular testing with grades read out which is pretty much the same

We'll have to agree to disagree then because I don't think it is.

Why won't they still get their time to shine if they excel at sports? Some children also aren't sporty or academic.

Those who don't excel at sports also have to do PE every week. Those who struggle with English and Maths lessons, don't have to compete in a Maths competition or a poetry competition in front of the whole school and parents.

Yes. Look after her mental health.

My happy cheerful 10yo ds was reduced to seriously threatening to take his own life, by his state primary school's approach to sport, which was authorised bullying, nastiness & humiliation as far as I could see.

It took four years of support at an independent senior school, by a properly trained & brilliant PE teacher to convince him he could do it. He is now a qualified pool lifeguard at the weekend at the local council pool, and a black belt at karate.

They have to sit exams and tests which are pretty much the same thing.

Public competition is not the same as private examination.

How is some kids not doing a particularly badly run sports day denying others their chance to shine? DD not going in won't collapse the entire event.

Couldn’t agree more with this.

My mum didn’t so I played truant/bunked off. Let her have the day off.

Interesting that you should mention that. As a senior teacher I hated Sports Day, fortunately I was responsible for the students with SEND who were taking A levels and had to supervise them on Sports Day.
I would let your DD miss Sports Day, an archaic tradition, so boring for those not taking part.

Why don’t they just pick the talented dc by heats behind closed doors and other dc are cheerleaders or score keepers etc? Not everyone takes part in secondary schools. Teaching dc to just opt out doesn’t teach them much. I expect they needed team members but they should obviously pick sporty dc or cut down on events if they don’t have enough to compete.

I would let her stay at home, her mental health should be priority in this situation.

Absolutely agree re focusing on those kids who are actually sporty, and can actually benefit from and enjoy sports days. At my secondary everyone had to participate in the heats, even those who were known to absolutely suck at sports. In front of the entire year group. It was an exercise in ritual humiliation. I can totally see how opting out could feel like the only way to save face.

Yes let her stay off.
Why force her into a situation which will damage her.

My 12 yr old had sports day last week. He didn't want to do it so I let him stay home. It doesn't mean he is a quitter, he just hates this. He consistently comes last every year and Im glad he didn't have to face humiliation again.

I’d 100% let her sit out. I still have massive anxiety around running infront of other people because at school I was the slightly chubby kid. I still remember feeling terrible at sports day or when we were running races.
other sports I was good at but the running filled me with dread!!

@JumpingRabbit I find in my experience it's the opposite. Sporty kids are always given opportunities to shine. No one sees test results, most kids don't care that much anyway.

My DS is terrible at sports but good academically and bloody brilliant and public speaking and drama. But he couldn't get a role this year in the drama show because he got it last year. For assembly and parent events like a graduation ceremony or religious event they often choose kids to do readings who are poor at this, ds doesn't get chosen much because its always about giving someone else a chance. It is well meaning I'm sure and important for inclusion, which i support. However it occurred to me recently thar it's a double standard and different from sports. Kids in a school soccer league aren't told they can't play because they made the team last year. Kids who are bad at soccer aren't put on the team because they want to be, it's never about giving everyone a turn, it's about trying to win and represent the best the school has to offer. The non sporty kids aren't given a chance to shine at all. There are many kids in DS class who don't even know about what he is talented at but everyone knows the kids who are best at sports.

@ruethewhirl At my DDs school there was a future junior world sprint champion. She might as well have done every event! The ones who just aren’t ok with sport can be found jobs! My DDs school got each house to do a haka. Some years a cheerleading dance. The non sporty ones had a great go at this. DD was ace at leading it! Finding something dc can do is always best.

My eldest’s school has a nomination system-which I think is really odd- so people nominate other people for different things/races.
She isn’t sporty whatsoever, never has been & im totally fine with that because I wasn’t as a kid either.
Every year I keep her off and send an email so they are aware she will not be participating in sports day.
To be fair she never gets nominated anyway.
My youngest on the other hand absolutely loves sports day. Chalk & cheese 😅