Would you let your child miss sports day over anxiety?

[Thepeopleversuswork]

My DD (15) hates competitive sport to the point of phobia. She's not unfit and does some exercise in her own time, but she hates the competitive pressure that gets put on kids at school who are bad at, or even just average at, games at school. Her school is really big on certain sports.

She's in a 'house' with a bunch of particularly competitive girls for sports day who she thinks don't like her and have unilaterally assigned her to do a particular running race which she's not comfortable with and she feels she's being set up to fail so they can pick on her for being shit.

I'm in two minds about how to handle this: I'm not a fan of encouraging children to sit things out if they are difficult and am generally a firm believer in the idea that tackling hard things and surviving them builds resilience. But her aversion to this is really extreme and there seems to be a slightly bullying edge to the approach these girls are taking. I sympathise as I also loathed the culture around PE at school and the 'all or nothing' approach to competing. It's very alienating for children who aren't good at games or just don't prioritise them.

She's begged me to allow her to pull a sickie for sports day. I've suggested speaking to her form teacher to allow her to be put in a different group but she's adamant that it will be obvious why this has happened.

Would you let your child sit this out?

Cross post... but guessed as much!

I am on your DD's side here and I am also one of those who thinks children should be encouraged to build more resilience.

Sports Day is a peculiar thing. It can be brutal and humiliating. I get that it might be the one opportunity for the non-academic but sporty kids to shine, and that's lovely. Although in my experience, the kids who are often the most sporty are also the same one who are also the most academic, so it's often just another chance to clap and cheer some more for the Head Boy and Head Girl who are always on that stage at prize evening and on course to go the best uni anyway....

I know we should encourage our children to try hard and do their best at everything, and we can't all be talented in every (or sometimes any) area. But the thing is, if your child is dyslexic, or really bad at maths or whatever, it sucks to be them coming last in exams all the time, but no-one else needs to witness their struggle or know what a low mark they got but the teacher, the child and their parents.

When you are the overweight or unco-ordinated or deeply unsporty child in the year group, then sports day is the day when they entire school and the entire school's parents get to know that, and witness your humiliation. And then you get laughed at by the more unkind children and blamed for losing points for your school house by the very competitive ones. It's horrible. That doesn't happen in any other aspect of education.

If it were up to me, sports day attendance would be entirely optional. Let the sporty kids have their day of fun battling it out between themselves and leave the rest of us out of it, thanks.

My DC is in a similar situation and yes, I’d let them miss it.

However, if they were up for it and would miss out on the fun with their friends throughout the day would also encourage them to go and not do the race. Just say no, didn’t agree to this and won’t be doing.

Absolutely let her skip it and tell the school why.
I’m another unsporty kid that ended up getting really anxious about exercise instead of enjoying it and feeling the benefits.

Making her do it doesn’t sound like a life lesson she needs and won’t promote resilience into adulthood.

Yep.

Pulled DS every year since he was 8, he's now 13. Zero qualms doing it too.

Otherwise excellent attendance and doing really well at school.

When is sports day?

If she has a couple of weeks and is already fit and quite sporty, I'd consider really going at it and training for the 800m, practicing at the track etc. That would actually draw a line under it, put the girls in their place and give DD more of a confidence boost than hiding from it.

Otherwise I'd contact the school and let them know their good intentions haven't worked and have led to bullying. It's not a sports day thing, it's a bullying and poor school management thing.

I hated PE and sports day. I was shit at everything.
In fact, I was so bad at netball that I used to just wander off and sit on the bench.
The teacher either didn’t notice, or just turned a blind eye.
Either way, i was left alone.

And on sports day, if i remember correctly, i used to just be a ‘helper’, and hand out water, etc, rather than a competitor.
Suited me just fine.
I was a stubborn little mare when I was a kid, and would just flat out refuse to participate.

Ask the school if they would make children who find reading aloud difficult do it publicly every year…

The first thing I would do would be to speak to her tutor about what she says is happening. Then I’d hope a compromise could be agreed. But letting her skip school would be a big no from me. She needs support in managing her emotions.

Sports day is a ridiculous waste of time for most kids. It should be optional as an extra curricular event and everyone else allowed to get on with their day. They don't force a load of tone deaf kids to sing for an audience in concerts (at secondary school at least!)

Absolutely, let her have the day off. I did the same this year with youngest. FWIW my very strict mother when I was a teenager also allowed me to do the same.

Absolutely she gets to skip this one

Absolutely!

My son's school have changed their more inclusive sports day to more competitive one for the older years this year and he doesn't want to go so won't be. He can't do much due to a disability and thanks to them changing it, can do even less now so I don't see the point anyway.

I'd happily let me anxious dd sit it out.

British secondary schools do sports day very badly from what I read (including this thread). I went to a couple of high schools in New Zealand. No one was forced to participate in the competitive events (running, high jump etc), they went off and did all the fun events (tug of war, egg and spoon etc), and you collect house points in those events too and the sporty ones could crack in the competitive events. We would all get dressed up in house colours, wear costume etc and cheer everyone on.

I sort of agree. I am hardline about not letting her skip school.

But I think there is something specific to sports day. Its an incredibly public event.

You can fail an exam in private. Having to be watched coming last in front of 600 people, in an event you haven’t chosen to participate in and where you know you’re going to be rounded on afterwards for your failure, is an unnecessary and pointless humiliation.

DD had a similar less extreme situation, I let her skip every year if she wanted to but some girls in her house who were also mean to her would pester her everyday saying she had to come in for next year and she wasn’t even allowed to skip if xxx (something like your whole family dies). It didn’t bother my DD too much and as she got older she chose to do the sports days herself because she began to enjoy it.

I hated PE at school, mix of no ability (but a real lack of actually being taught skills) and being self conscious and I hated it so much I was withdrawn, anxious and possibly depressed (but we wouldn't have acknowledged that in the 80s!). In later years I've found a love of running, walking and swimming, no thanks to what I learned at school.

I still remember the absolute dread sports day made me feel. My mum insisted I do it because she had been very sporty, but specky little me just was not. My dad ended up letting me bunk off the ones in high school in exchange for spending the afternoon working with him (wasn’t very good at that either but I was good at selecting what tunes to play in the van).

If my kids ever want to pull a sicky, they 100% can. As long as you’re building resilience in other ways it’s fine. In adult life she will not be forced to partake in competitive sports - apart from if she chooses to have kids she may have to do the parents race at their sports day. If she is gonna pull a sicky I would say she has to do something else productive though, no scrolling tick tok or whatever. Maybe some revision or if you’re off you could teach her a practical skill like budgeting?

When i was at middle school (so 9-13) I can remember being put into a running race to represent my 'house ' as they knew it was a race we wouldn't win due to a particularly sporty person running for the other house - just so they didn't waste on of their good athletes in this race. I still remember the humiliation now of being last across the line and I'm in my 60's.
My own DS hated competitive sport too. I used to make him take part in sports day at Primary School telling him that some of the sporty kids hated the weekly spelling and times table tests but they still had to take part! But by Secondary school, participation in sports day was thankfully optional, so he (and his non sporty friends) opted not to take part.
In the circumstances I think this will do more damage to your daughter than good. Don't make her do it.

I would but perhaps be honest with the school afterwards as to why you did it. The girls might need speaking to about their behaviour. I say afterwards because it’s easier than to have to negotiate with school about what measures they might put in place.

It’s hard because my children are the sporty ones and I do have to remind them that not everyone is good at sports and they can be competitive but they shouldn’t be mean to those who aren’t as good. It’s a tough thing to learn when they just want to win.

Absolutely definitely allow her the day off school! When I was a secondary school teacher parents would contact me most years about what to do and I would always say “phone in sick”

I have a massive issue with the idea of forcing kids to do sports day. It’s not team building or fun or any of that. For some it’s divisive and humiliating and it should be optional.

School sports is why I despise all sports now. I neither watch or participate in any of it. I was a talented musician - funny how we don’t force all kids to play instruments publicly every year.

Absolutely let her have the day off. Sports Day was the only day I was allowed to stay home. I was good at tennis not running and jumping.

I would let her stay off. Absolutely.

Yes and this goes against my strong work ethic which also cover we got to do things we don’t like we should front it out

But why do we always need to impose the same expectations on everyone?

I made the exception this week for something for my DD(14) as in the scheme of things it’s not going to cause her problems and she excels in many other areas.