Would you let your child miss sports day over anxiety?

[Thepeopleversuswork]

My DD (15) hates competitive sport to the point of phobia. She's not unfit and does some exercise in her own time, but she hates the competitive pressure that gets put on kids at school who are bad at, or even just average at, games at school. Her school is really big on certain sports.

She's in a 'house' with a bunch of particularly competitive girls for sports day who she thinks don't like her and have unilaterally assigned her to do a particular running race which she's not comfortable with and she feels she's being set up to fail so they can pick on her for being shit.

I'm in two minds about how to handle this: I'm not a fan of encouraging children to sit things out if they are difficult and am generally a firm believer in the idea that tackling hard things and surviving them builds resilience. But her aversion to this is really extreme and there seems to be a slightly bullying edge to the approach these girls are taking. I sympathise as I also loathed the culture around PE at school and the 'all or nothing' approach to competing. It's very alienating for children who aren't good at games or just don't prioritise them.

She's begged me to allow her to pull a sickie for sports day. I've suggested speaking to her form teacher to allow her to be put in a different group but she's adamant that it will be obvious why this has happened.

Would you let your child sit this out?

I work in a secondary school and I would let her pull a sickie 🤫

15 is too old to be forced to do sports anyway so absolutely.

There's a benefit to powering through things sometimes but this isn't a hill to die on

That’s good that she is happy overall.

I’d definitely let her have the day off. People talk about resilience and coping in the adult world, but in any job I’ve had, this shit wouldn’t be tolerated. And you can walk away in other environments that aren’t school.

Sometimes the lesson isn’t in having to cope regardless, the lesson is that mum has your back! Knowing that will do a lot of good for her and your relationship.

I would, sport days are a special hell for non sporty kids and that is without the bullying in this situation.

I must say I will always be grateful to the Principal of my School who made taking part in sports day competition no mandatory. You had to help out behind the scenes but did not have to actually take part in races etc.

I accept the point about 'resilience' in principle and I'm really allergic to the idea of letting kids take sickies because they don't want to do something. But to build resilience presupposes that you're going to be given credit for giving it your best shot, even if you don't do brilliantly.

In this scenario it seems a no win: the kids are always told to just do their best and that as long as they try it's OK but in practice the sporty kids usually round on them if they don't do well and say they've let the side down. Given that she will only face criticism for participating, I don't see much upside.

You're a great mum for being approachable and listening to her on this. I felt the same about sports day, but I couldn't tell my mum so I'd just bunk off instead. So yes, absolutely let her sit it out. It sure as shit won't build 'character' or any of that nonsense you see spouted.

Ironically, I hated sports at school but am now the fittest of my peers, regularly training and racing (running, trail) in my 50s. Schools get it SO wrong when it comes to sport - making it hyper competitive and often publicly humiliating. FFS, as if secondary school wasn't bad enough when it comes to those 2 things!

They're obsessed with a rigid, set number of (usually) ball-related sports. I'm dyspraxic - I cannot do anything that involves hand-eye co-ordination. But I CAN run and run and run...

They should be focused on harnessing any kind of passion for sport, movement and the outdoors that kids have, working out what sports actually suit them, and giving kids the option of solo sports like distance running - basically, giving them a love of exercise that they need for a healthy adult life.

Children will grow up to need to get out of stupid but "compulsory" things in the least confrontational way possible sometimes.

I am in my 30s and I still remember being made fun of for messing up on sports day! So yes I would definitely let her miss it, who cares what those girls think. I have a little daughter and I would encourage her to take part but once she's into her teens especially i would let her stay off if it was really upsetting her.

I only got into exercising years after school because I hated PE so much I thought I hated all activity, but actually I really enjoyed solo activities.

Absolutely. Teaching children that it's fine to opt out of pointless things that benefit nobody but will make you suffer is an important life lesson, especially for girls. So is not letting bullies have what they want.

How would being bullied at school sports day 'build resilience'?

Agree. Also agree with pp that I was the same but now much fitter than the people who made fun of me (most of whom are fat not that I'd make fun of them for it because I also have a better personality).

@Borntorunfast

Ironically, I hated sports at school but am now the fittest of my peers, regularly training and racing (running, trail) in my 50s. Schools get it SO wrong when it comes to sport - making it hyper competitive and often publicly humiliating. FFS, as if secondary school wasn't bad enough when it comes to those 2 things!

I completely agree. I'm also pretty fit now in my 50s, having completely avoided exercise at all during most of my 20s and 30s and school sports were a significant factor.

I think the whole curriculum around exercise needs to be reoriented significantly: competitive, elite sport is great for a small proportion of children but by definition it excludes most of them in a brutal way. There are plenty of ways to be healthy and fit without winning all the netball and hockey competitions. I wish someone had taught me this when I was a teenager.

Definitely let her stay home and tell the school why.

I think I will. It's a bit of a learning exercise for schools.

There isn't any upside to school sports day if it's not friendly and supportive. It should be optional to compete.
You're doing the right thing letting her swerve a bullying opportunity. School should be preventing this.

Im surprised if they are competitive they haven’t placed the strongest one in the race. Therefore id believe your daughter and be concerned.

If it was a more supportive group would your daughter take part?

If so it’s not the sport but the bullying so potential an issue to raise with school.

My daughter was sporty but hated and wasn’t good at maths and tried to get out of going to maths, was anxious, sick but I couldn’t say you can’t go. She pulled through and needed the maths to progress to the next level and is now a very resilient adult.

Sounds like you have more of a bullying issue. Can she move groups?

Whilst I agree definitely for a sickie to be thrown in this case

I LOVED sports day, so did my siblings and now both my teens do too

Yes that didn’t make sense to me…
highly competitive sporty girls but also setting dd up to fail

The victims of bullies do not need to be taught the resilience to accept bullying and ritual humiliation on school sports day.

I’m team throw a sickie. You are obviously an excellent parent who works hard to get the balance right. Her memory will be her Mums got her back.

I would. Some kids have an awful time in P.E. at school and it puts them off exercise for life. Not everyone wants to do competitive sport. If she really hates it, let her stay home.

My son never did one sports day the whole time at secondary school.

From what I can tell the teachers have tried to make it egalitarian and encourage “participation, not winning”. But they have also delegated the choosing of teams to the girls in each “house”.

DD lobbied to be able to do shotput and long jump, both of which she is OK at, but was told by the other girls that she had to do 800m.

I suggested that she could ask the teachers if she could participate but not do that particular race but apparently that would have led to accusations of being a grass or something.

Her friends are all in different “houses” where there is a more even spread of abilities; DD just happens to be in a super competitive set.

I don’t think it’s been handled brilliantly and I will raise it with school. Thanks all.

It’s sports day, she isn’t presenting evidence at the Hague

I dunno, there's nothing to say anyone better is available either. It might be one of those things where the team have to field X competitors in every event. Read to me like DD was probably going to get lumbered with an unpopular but very public event, probably long distance running, then liable to be berated for her performance by people who resent her not being very good.

I wagged every sports day myself, but when we did athletics in PE I much preferred cobbing a discus a couple of times then talking to my friends in the queue for the other 90% of the lesson.