Would you let your child miss sports day over anxiety?

[Thepeopleversuswork]

My DD (15) hates competitive sport to the point of phobia. She's not unfit and does some exercise in her own time, but she hates the competitive pressure that gets put on kids at school who are bad at, or even just average at, games at school. Her school is really big on certain sports.

She's in a 'house' with a bunch of particularly competitive girls for sports day who she thinks don't like her and have unilaterally assigned her to do a particular running race which she's not comfortable with and she feels she's being set up to fail so they can pick on her for being shit.

I'm in two minds about how to handle this: I'm not a fan of encouraging children to sit things out if they are difficult and am generally a firm believer in the idea that tackling hard things and surviving them builds resilience. But her aversion to this is really extreme and there seems to be a slightly bullying edge to the approach these girls are taking. I sympathise as I also loathed the culture around PE at school and the 'all or nothing' approach to competing. It's very alienating for children who aren't good at games or just don't prioritise them.

She's begged me to allow her to pull a sickie for sports day. I've suggested speaking to her form teacher to allow her to be put in a different group but she's adamant that it will be obvious why this has happened.

Would you let your child sit this out?

Sports Day was a big deal at my DDs school and while she was happy to do team sports she was very anxious about competing alone - she has MH issues that are mostly around being the centre of attention/being looked at (much better now shes older)
She promised to try but on the day I could see how she was struggling even though friends were encouraging her and I was offering bribes. It was when she went behind a tree to throw up that I went and had a quiet word with her teacher and asked if someone else could do it and he said that was fine. DD cheered her friend on instead
Now in DS's case I would know he was trying it on and he would have been told to just get on with it but if you know your child is genuinely struggling then advocate for them

Unlikely why?

If dozens of people on the thread are relating to it it can’t be that unlikely…

Absolutely, yes yes yes. She doesn't need to be there. Over strict PE teachers set me up for hating sports in general and feeling like a failure in any sporting activity. Sounds like she's doing fine and doesn't need this unnecessary trauma. I hope she does something nice instead.

I am surprised this group of very mean girls ate only nasty to her around sports day

I think its the only time she’s exposed to them without backup.

There’s not much love lost between the various groups but they ignore one another.

When she’s in class or other social situations she has her friends around so there is safety in numbers. I don’t think DD specifically is being picked out its that she is the stray member of the group in this group of kids.

I'm not. She probably doesn't have that much to do with them the rest of the time. People who are generally obnoxious are going to have any number of interactions with people they are obnoxious to, but don't care enough to seek out for the purpose of obnoxiousness.

Why on earth would your daughter be assigned to a race which is technically difficult. This thread comes up where the op naively asks if she should keep their DC off.

I'd let her stay off.

I can't understand why they still have sports day. It is fine for the kids who are sporty, it just makes most of the other kids feel like shit. It should be optional to take part in races.

However, this topic often produces substantial ire from posters who are allergic to the idea of not going to sports day, so brace yourself for a lot of catastrophising

To counteract the catastrophising, I used to keep my kids home most sports days for various reasons. Mostly because it was hot and the events were held on a field with no shelter from the sun. Two of them dreaded it every year anyway. I don't know any kids, who aren't above average at sport, who enjoy it tbh. I wasn't the only mum who kept them home and never heard a peep from the school about it.

I remember hating it as a child and being forced to go. I knew I hadn't a hope of winning anything and it was hot as f*ck and I always ended up with a headache.

All my children have grown up to take regular exercise - park running, classes, swimming, they're all aware of the benefits of moving your body and stretching your limits without needing annual sport days to teach them. There's not much fun in taking part in competitive sport that you're absolutely no good at and would never enter yourself into without being forced.

The other girls in the house has assigned it to her. I can’t know for sure why they have done so but I assume its because no one else wants to do it. And as DD has no support in the house she’s having to lump it.

If she pulls a sickie, will she still get picked on for being a no-show and scoring no points for the house, or however it’s all tallied up? Is there a way of pre-empting that?

Seems counterproductive from the school to let the event selection be made by the students, not the PE teachers who’d set up reasonable competition. She has all my sympathy, as the perennial tailender in the compulsory all-school cross country races - I did usually get an encouraging underdog cheer at the end, though…

Yes I would. Compulsory sport is enough to put some folk off exercise for the rest of their lives.

yes exactly, this is not exactly character building is it?
or encourages moral fibre

“well you don’t want to do it so don’t”

no espirit des corps

no wonder good conscientious teachers are in such short supply
when pupils are allowed to pick out the bits they want to involve
themselves in or have an aptitude for and
discard or no show for the bits they are fearful of
for whatever reason

resilience and fortitide mean a child/young adult/adult can deal with
disappointments in life of which there will be many: so, as parents,
indulging this whim means that you are setting your child up for dismay
and blame placing, short term ‘benefit’ against long term gain
(well rounded, adaptable, responsible, resourceful, hapless, whinging
adults)

Do the girls pick who races what themselves? For all year groups?

This was also my guess. The things being objected to as implausible sound pretty bleeding obvious to me.

800m has to be entered, but is unpopular with people who don't happen to really like it because it's much more effort than chucking a shot put a few times. DD is ok at two field events, which means there could easily be people better than her at them.

Fair enough. But how bad could she be. Tell her to stick to the middle of the pack

Apparently so.

O my do not let her ‘lump it ‘ poor lamb, an expectation of a smooth ride through life is now her expectation. This is poor parenting, unless of course, she is really
Princess Aurora.

I know.

But, but, but RESILIENCE.

Resilence is important but its become one of those kneejerk buzzwords which gets trotted out when people can’t be bothered to engage with nuance.

Resilience is my least favourite word.

My child has plenty of resilience and I'm sure your daughter does too. Sports day has nothing to do with it.

Yes I would without a doubt. I would also look at getting her involved in a sport/activity that she enjoys so she doesn’t take the view that sport isn’t for her.

I wonder if anyone who thinks she should attend for resilience would also support the school having public maths and spelling competitions in which all the kids have to compete irrespective of ability.

I'd let her stay off. I have a physical disability and sports day was a nightmare for me - by the time I got to secondary age I'd just skip it, with or without permission.

The public nature of it does make it different to missing other school activities, I think. I used to work in a primary school and the kids were all aware that Miss Coast couldn't run well! Once at our key stage sports day I was under a little pressure to join in with the teachers' race, and I considered doing it - come last by a long way but be a good sport about it and model inclusivity etc.

If it had just been the kids and my colleagues, I probably would have, but I said no firmly once I thought for more than two seconds about all the parents who would be there, some with cameras. So I totally disagree with making someone do a physical activity they don't want to in that kind of public setting - and that's without taking into account the bullying and judgement in OP's daughter's situation. It's not at all the same as a maths test or a normal PE lesson.