Relationship anxiety over bf assuming my feelings

[may8]

I'm wondering if my relationship anxiety is making me see things wrong or if this situation would bother other people too.

I had a really long day (worked outside in the rain, went to the gym, grocery shopping, then came home and made my boyfriend dinner, did laundry, and cleaned the kitchen after dinner). I told him I was exhausted, and he responded, "Wow, so being an adult." I felt kind of dismissed because I was hoping for a little empathy.
Shortly after, he came over to hug/kiss me after he had gone to the gym, but he was drenched in sweat. I'd already noticed how sticky he was, so I instinctively leaned away because I didn't want to get covered in sweat.

He took that as me rejecting him sexually and said I was trying to "put him in line" by withholding affection so he'd learn he wouldn't get sex unless he did what I wanted. He also said I was minimizing his masculinity and said I always need to be in control and take that away from him and I don't like him being masculine.

I told him that genuinely wasn't what I was doing, I just didn't want to hug him while he was soaking wet and his hand was freezing from being in on an ice pack so I kinda moved away but he said I was denying the real reason for why I denied his advances. Apparently I got really quiet and ignored him afterwards, I was just doing the dishes and maybe annoyed he wasn't helping, and he took that as me being really upset about something and not being able to tell him the real reason. That it was just all about me not being able to express my true feelings and hiding too much. We have these fights a lot and I panic and apologize, cry, get angry because I just feel him pulling away more and more when we try and talk about it. I end up just agreeing with what he says and say it was probably that, but now it's too late because then that means I was lying earlier to him.

Am I missing something here? Is it reasonable that he interpreted me leaning away from a sweaty hug that way, or does it seem like he jumped to conclusions about my intentions? I genuinely don't know what I feel sometimes until it's too late.

Wow OP. He sounds truly awful. He's the one trying to "put you in line" and control your behaviour, not the other way around. I would describe him as emotionally abusive.

He’s manipulating you, he’s emotionally abusing you.
Get rid of him.
”I’m ending the relationship, I’m not happy and it’s beyond fixing. I don’t wish to continue this any further nor do I wish to discuss it.”

If he has a key/has had unsupervised access to your keys, change your locks.

“Minimising his masculinity” is screaming manosphere shite to me - get yourself well away from this dickhead lovely!

Do you think so? I feel so emotionally immature since I barely know anything about my own feelings. I have extreme anxiety and can get really down on myself. When we try and talk things out he says I run him around in circles to confuse and manipulate him. idk what I'm doing and feel so lost and like an awful person

Because he's making you feel that way, thus isn't you being abusive, it's 100% him

I'm curious what he was doing all day - it appeared most of the domestic load falls on you.

Please dump this horrible gross man! Most people would find that dismissive. A normal response from a partner who cared that you were worn out would be sympathy.

You spent the evening doing stuff for both of you while he went to the gym. You mention almost in passing that you were maybe annoyed he wasn’t ‘helping’. Frankly, that sounds far more plausible than any of the explanations he later invented. If I’d done the shopping, cooked dinner, done the laundry, and was standing at the sink washing up while my partner contributed very little, I’d probably be irritated too.

Pulling away from someone who was soaked in sweat is a completely ordinary reaction. Most adults would interpret it as ‘I don’t want to be covered in sweat right now’. Instead, he somehow arrived at a story about you withholding sex, trying to control him, punishing him, putting him ‘in line’, and attacking his masculinity. What sort of brain dead manosphere bollocks is that? Sane healthy men do not go on about ‘their masculinity’. Are you in a relationship with Andrew Tate? This man sounds both abusive and stupid.

Gaslighting behaviour, telling you how you are feeling, masculinity bollox straight out of the Andrew Tate book of keeping your woman in her place.

Honestly, I couldn't take seriously any man who accused me on minimising his masculinity - the mental picture is too disturbing of it slowly shrinking. And as for wanting to hug you while dripping with sweat, who wouldn't be repulsed? There are nicer, less sweaty men out there who don't pretend to be amateur psychologists.

He works as well (longer hours than me) and then went to the gym. We don't live together, so I only cook for him sometimes and I clean up at my place. I have been having feelings like he is manipulative, but I am also very unsure about my own feelings and can see other peoples side. I also can be petty and mean and maybe I was acting that way and not communicating enough. My therapist had said she thinks he may be emotionally abusive. I also convince myself when I share these stories I'm being way too biased.

Excellent. If you don’t live together, that’ll make ending things much easier.

How long have you been seeing this prince?

He sounds absolutely exhausting. And unpleasant. And manipulative.

Minimising his masculinity? For goodness sake.

A relationship is supposed to make you feel cherished, respected, appreciated. You deserve far more than what you have now.

The best thing is that you don't live together. As others have said, he comes across as an Andrew Tate disciple. He's grinding you down and unfortunately your anxiety is blinding you to it. Please dump his sorry arse. He'll keep on until you're a complete shell of your usual self. I'm pleased to hear you're already having therapy for your anxiety. Maybe do the Freedom Programme too to help you recognise these abusive behaviours in future. Good luck OP.

Came on to say this exactly

This is an Andrew Tate manosphere twat

Great news that you don't live with this dickhead. Get rid of the loser and you will find your anxiety noticeably reduces.

Urgh he sounds like he has been occupying the manosphere for way too long. Tell him you agree with him and he needs to find a woman who is very grounded in her femininity so that she won't be threatened by his masculinity and then block him and never speak to him again. He sounds like a prick.

Good grief. Get rid.

Honestly, I would leave him. My ex interpreted my thoughts and feelings and assumed I had an agenda. It is exhausting and unfair. It also stops you expressing feelings, that's likely what its designed to do
I cannot stand being told why I am saying or doing something now after years of the ex

Putting you in your place for saying your exhausted is mean
Not wanting to kiss someone covered in sweat is absolutely your right and you should not be made to feel bad about it
Having someone constantly tell you how you are feeling and why you are behaving the way you are must be exhausting . Why does he dismiss your explanations, does he think he knows you better than you do?
He doesn’t sound very nice I’d reconsider the relationship.

This is not what a loving relationship looks like.

Please end the relationship safely. Have someone with you when you end things, just as precaution..

Be very clear. Keep repeating that you no longer want to be in a relationship with him. You don't have to give a reason.

Not wanting to scare you but i get the feeling this guy might not to go away quietly. Be prepared.

Minimising his masculinity?! Just maximise your femininity, walk out the door and don’t go back.

This man is bad for you. Sounds like he’s been getting lessons straight from
the manosphere. Being with him likely contributes massively to your anxiety. You’re better off without him, i think.

Oh, OP, he's not the sort of man you should he wasting your time with.

I always try and see both perspectives when women post on here and I'm not a ManIsAlwaysInTheWrong poster. But, on this occasion, it's all him.

I wouldn't want to be hugged and kissed by someone sweaty either - whatever the reason. And most men would understand this themselves.

He's just trying to assert his dominance over you and is angered by your pushback. You don't need to be dominated. You need an equal partner.

Oh, and any man who references their 'masculinity' deserves to be told to fuck off!

And everyone saying manosphere is right.

I dated a man a few years ago who'd been single a long time and told me he'd been listening to dating coaches for men online. At this point, I was blissfully unaware of the manosphere but all I kept thinking was, "And these dating coaches told you that would work..?" It was baffling the things he believed.

Anyway, I dumped him and he's still single. There's a reason for that.

Add this man to the pile of undateable men!