Relationship anxiety over bf assuming my feelings

[may8]

I'm wondering if my relationship anxiety is making me see things wrong or if this situation would bother other people too.

I had a really long day (worked outside in the rain, went to the gym, grocery shopping, then came home and made my boyfriend dinner, did laundry, and cleaned the kitchen after dinner). I told him I was exhausted, and he responded, "Wow, so being an adult." I felt kind of dismissed because I was hoping for a little empathy.
Shortly after, he came over to hug/kiss me after he had gone to the gym, but he was drenched in sweat. I'd already noticed how sticky he was, so I instinctively leaned away because I didn't want to get covered in sweat.

He took that as me rejecting him sexually and said I was trying to "put him in line" by withholding affection so he'd learn he wouldn't get sex unless he did what I wanted. He also said I was minimizing his masculinity and said I always need to be in control and take that away from him and I don't like him being masculine.

I told him that genuinely wasn't what I was doing, I just didn't want to hug him while he was soaking wet and his hand was freezing from being in on an ice pack so I kinda moved away but he said I was denying the real reason for why I denied his advances. Apparently I got really quiet and ignored him afterwards, I was just doing the dishes and maybe annoyed he wasn't helping, and he took that as me being really upset about something and not being able to tell him the real reason. That it was just all about me not being able to express my true feelings and hiding too much. We have these fights a lot and I panic and apologize, cry, get angry because I just feel him pulling away more and more when we try and talk about it. I end up just agreeing with what he says and say it was probably that, but now it's too late because then that means I was lying earlier to him.

Am I missing something here? Is it reasonable that he interpreted me leaning away from a sweaty hug that way, or does it seem like he jumped to conclusions about my intentions? I genuinely don't know what I feel sometimes until it's too late.

Your therapist and your gut are telling you the same thing. Trust it.

He's using your anxiety against you.

Exactly this 👏

He is completely manipulating and gas lighting you!! This is why you are feeling confused. You know in your gut that his behaviour is wrong, he is trying to make you believe you’re behaving certain ways to destabilise you. I’m so sorry you are in this situation. I really think you need to get away from this man asap. It will only ever get worse.

I agree. No wonder you have anxiety! Thank god you’re not living together! In the gentlest way he’s a head wrecker and you need to end it x

He's a manipulative emotional bully.
No wonder you question yourself and are anxious.
What does he do, whilst you shop, cook and clean?

Oh and the smelly sod should shower at the gym.
Look after you by throwing this one back.

Jesus, @may8. I felt exhausted just reading your OP, and not because it was tedious.

What a fearful shit he is. So good you don't live with him. Get rid.

We have these fights a lot and I panic and apologize, cry, get angry because I just feel him pulling away more and more when we try and talk about it. I end up just agreeing with what he says and say it was probably that,

said I was trying to "put him in line" by withholding affection so he'd learn he wouldn't get sex unless he did what I wanted.

It’s the other way around. He’s training you so that you’ll learn how he wants you to behave. End it now. This man will be a shit partner and father. He’s picked up jargon from the manosphere and will gaslight you to hell and back

Minimising his masculinity

Big reg flag for manosphere bullshit.

And then telling you that he knows what the real reasons for you pulling away are? That Rule Nine shit is patronising and he's calling you a liar.

The good news is that you don't live with this negative value man, so you can end the relationship easily.

Nah, just dump the twat.

It really is hard to know what I'm feeling. I get so upset and annoyed with him a lot of the time, but is it because I'm being defensive or emotionally immature? So I have a hard time knowing if what I'm feeling is right or not.

We have known each other for a long time and been friends for quite a while. Dating stages were not that good, we had big fights before we even started officially dating. Felt like neither of us trusted each other and it caused some resentment. We worked through it, but our fights go a lot of the same way. He brings something up (which I probably avoided) I give him attitude because I get annoyed he's always got to bring things up (this is where I feel I go wrong and act immature) I get defensive, deny what he's saying, and he'll get frustrated that I'm not hearing him out and a lot of the time I get confused at what he's saying and will answer the wrong thing or focus too much on something that I disagree with. I also will ask him to repeat a lot because I get confused sometimes and then he gets really annoyed and will say I'm spinning him around in circles to manipulate him. I genuinely just get super anxious when we have disagreements because somehow I always make it snowball like this and I don't know what I'm doing. It's gotten to the point where after we fight and we don't talk for the next day I feel so low about myself. I end up curled in a ball unable to move or eat. How do you not make the relationship your whole life? I feel lost without him but scared about this not working out.

Regardless of your understanding of your emotions, it doesn’t sound like either of you are suited. If I were in your position, I’d break off this relationship before it spirals into something very bad. It sounds like it’s becoming toxic. Relationships are not supposed to feel like that.

This.

From the update, it sounded like it shouldn’t really have got any traction in the first place.

Evaluate your life outside of him. What needs improvement? Friendships, hobbies? He’s not your entire world, and shouldn’t be.

Apologies, I can’t remember if you had already mentioned having therapy or not, if not, I’d suggest you look into some, especially if you recognise you get anxious and avoid.

This is not a good relationship.
Please end it for your sanity and self esteem.
You are relying on a person who doesn’t have your best interests at heart.
if you don’t step away now and protect yourself this is going to end really badly

I agree completely with this. Sorry you’re feeling this way, OP. I remember being in a similar relationship and I ended up needing a prescription for Propanalol because the anxiety and panic attacks were so horrible.

A relationship shouldn’t make you feel this way and you will start to feel crazy the longer it goes on, until you feel you can no longer trust your own judgement, and don’t recognise yourself anymore.

Speaking to a therapist is a really good idea, and will help you make sense of what you’re feeling.

@may8 - this relationship is doomed. As a PP said, it sounds like it should never have started. He’s abusing you and absolutely making your anxiety worse. When you say you’re emotionally immature and don’t know what you’re feeling, it’s pretty obvious that you’re just repeating what he’s said to you. Our feelings aren’t always clear but what seems pretty obvious is that you do know what you’re feeling much of the time but he doesn’t like you having those feelings so he pushes and pushes until you don’t know whether you’re coming or going. You must end this relationship. A relationship should make you feel more relaxed, supported, safe, uplifted and secure.

You sound young and vulnerable. You will be much better off without this man and you probably shouldn’t date for a while. You need to fill your life with other people, interests and activities.

In agreement with all previous posters that are saying this man is emotionally abusive and possibly somewhat narcissistic.
Ask your therapist if they haven’t already about the push/pull method. They push your anxiety buttons to make you reach out and fix it by any means I.e you capitulating and agreeing with him as it makes them feel powerful. They pull away and it starts the cycle again - it’s to trap you and grind you down further and further.
You might not be able to fully see it or understand it because you’re in it but trust your gut that is questioning things as it’s trying to do you a favour. I’ve been with someone that used similar tactics and stone walling, avoidant behaviour, all sorts of things I didn’t understand then but somewhere deep down knew it wasn’t right. You don’t have “relationship anxiety”
you have abusive man and your body and mind are trying to send you alarm signals.

Get rid of him, continue your therapy single and you’ll be amazed at what you discover.
I’ll add that years later I’m now with a man so far removed from the behaviours of my ex and it’s so refreshing to be able to talk about my feelings or any issues that come up in a normal healthy way. I feel better after talking to him and that alone is a bench mark, it’s how you should feel when trying to communicate with the person you love. Not having to self analyse or heavily screen what you’re going to say, the tone or body language you might use and then make up counter arguments or phrases in anticipation of their response - it’s not normal trust me. There’s better out there for you!

How many red flags do you need…

Dump him and continue working with your therapist to address your anxiety.

I get so upset and annoyed with him a lot of the time, but is it because I'm being defensive or emotionally immature?

Does it really matter why? The relationship isn't working. That's enough to know.

Run for

..that was meant to say run for the hills!!!

In ten years time he’ll be controlling you.
Surely you can see this is manipulation at best??? He sounds emotionally immature and unhinged.

Goodness, the much spoken adage of ‘when somebody shows you who they are, believe them’ is very fitting here.

Super that you don’t live together as you can dispense with him and make sure you get your key back if he has one.

Onwards to the future.

So WTF was this bellend doing all day where YOU had to come home and make HIM dinner?! Come on OP, wake up- he’s a dick. Please work on your self esteem.

I used to put all my energy, expectations, value and worth into my relationship. I used to get my happiness from him. It wasn't healthy, I was so scared to be alone. I would rather stay in an unhealthy relationship than be single. It broke my heart when it ended, but looking back I shouldn't of stayed with him for so long. I'm happy being single.

You should be with someone who listens to you, isn't trying to pick an argument. He makes you feel special and loved, safe and secure. Who thinks you're cute and lovely. Someone you miss and have fun with. He doesn't sound like a healthy choice for you. Good for you having therapy, I hope it's helping. Brilliant you don't live with him. He really sounds like a prick, girl you can do better!!! You're resilient, you're strong, you got through all that yesterday and wanted a hug and a well done, you got an eye roll and sarcasm.

Dating stages were not that good, we had big fights before we even started officially dating.

You should never have started dating. You are not, nor will ever be, compatible. Can you explain why you started dating him despite the fighting? It might be worth going to a couple of therapy sessions to work out why you thought it was a such good idea.

But the above is the past, however the way you have described your relationship and how it makes you feel, it seems even more toxic and abusive now compared to how was in the beginning. It's time to end it - the trajectory of it is only downwards towards more misery, there is no salvaging this relationship and you will only find happiness once you are no longer with him. Get out, stay out.

Look, he's a wanker. An abusive, argumentative wanker. There's nothing wrong with you that dumping him would not resolve.

You're aren't 'emotionally immature' or any of that crap. You are just sick of a toxic bloke constantly dragging up forgotten shit to use as a stick to beat you with.

Honestly. I'm 60 and I'd have told him to fuck off the first time he started. He's bringing no joy to your life and considerable pain. Just end it.

And NEVER make any relationship your entire life. It's supposed to be an enhancing part of it - not your entire existence.