Relationship anxiety over bf assuming my feelings

[may8]

I'm wondering if my relationship anxiety is making me see things wrong or if this situation would bother other people too.

I had a really long day (worked outside in the rain, went to the gym, grocery shopping, then came home and made my boyfriend dinner, did laundry, and cleaned the kitchen after dinner). I told him I was exhausted, and he responded, "Wow, so being an adult." I felt kind of dismissed because I was hoping for a little empathy.
Shortly after, he came over to hug/kiss me after he had gone to the gym, but he was drenched in sweat. I'd already noticed how sticky he was, so I instinctively leaned away because I didn't want to get covered in sweat.

He took that as me rejecting him sexually and said I was trying to "put him in line" by withholding affection so he'd learn he wouldn't get sex unless he did what I wanted. He also said I was minimizing his masculinity and said I always need to be in control and take that away from him and I don't like him being masculine.

I told him that genuinely wasn't what I was doing, I just didn't want to hug him while he was soaking wet and his hand was freezing from being in on an ice pack so I kinda moved away but he said I was denying the real reason for why I denied his advances. Apparently I got really quiet and ignored him afterwards, I was just doing the dishes and maybe annoyed he wasn't helping, and he took that as me being really upset about something and not being able to tell him the real reason. That it was just all about me not being able to express my true feelings and hiding too much. We have these fights a lot and I panic and apologize, cry, get angry because I just feel him pulling away more and more when we try and talk about it. I end up just agreeing with what he says and say it was probably that, but now it's too late because then that means I was lying earlier to him.

Am I missing something here? Is it reasonable that he interpreted me leaning away from a sweaty hug that way, or does it seem like he jumped to conclusions about my intentions? I genuinely don't know what I feel sometimes until it's too late.

Next time he accuses you of "Minimising his masculinity"! Tell him HE is dulling your sparkle with his nasty gaslighted. Get your key back ASAP and tell him to feck off.

I don’t post on here very often I just read mostly.
But please take everyone’s advice on here.
He sounds like an absolute jerk who is gaslighting you and you deserve better.
A loving partner should make you feel secure and happy he’s not a loving partner at all.

Your therapist is correct OP, your boyfriend is emotionally abusive. You aren't the manipulative and controlling element in your relationship, he is. He decided that your reaction wasn't to his liking, so made up an explanation to suit his narrative. He has no idea how you feel because he's not you!

You don't live together, so you are in a better place to dump his arse. You have no home, children or finances that tie you to this man. Get yourself out of this relationship ASAP.

Sorry op
sounds like he’s been watching incel videos or stuff like that
is wording doesn’t sound natural
get rid

What man talks about his 'masculinity' how bizarre. He is a gaslighting twat, get rid before you have kids.

After today, could you imagine marrying him and spending the rest of your life with him being that controlling? If you can't, I would like to think that my first sentence gave you anxiety. Then you need to leave this relationship and find someone who adores you and treats you properly.
The longer you take to end it, the longer time it will take to find the right man. Dont leave it too late, all the good ones are snapped up early!

Fucking run and don't look back. He's not even close to being a suitable, safe partner.
My DH hasn't whinged about his masculinity once, ever, in over 20 years. Good men don't need to. Your boyfriend sounds like an incel that has managed to trap a woman.

He’s a nasty piece of work. Get out, stay away, do not look back.

He’s exploiting your anxiety. He does not like you and he does not love you. He’s using you.

Then make yourself safe and do some work on your self-esteem.

OP, I was in a relationship with someone who would overthink every little action or perceived inaction on my part and it honestly became intolerable because you really lose a sense of who you are and you start walking on eggshells afraid to say anything, afraid that you didn’t act excited enough, etc.

It’s truly exhausting and it doesn’t get better. These men are emotionally immature and unless they’re aware of this and willing to put in the work to change it, they just keep repeating the same things.

My ex partner isn’t a bad person, but his insecurities and rigid expectations within a relationship are his responsibility, and I would say your situation sounds similar.

Also, anyone who uses the term “minimizing my masculinity” would give me the instant ick. Is he also one of those who men who can’t cuddle or touch you in anyway without it turning to sex? Sex to them is everything and that’s basically what they mean when they say the word masculine. That’s another thing that became too much for me.

Get away from him lovely men like that only get worse

His behaviour would concern and bother me

I haven't read all the replies so this may have been mentioned already.

When I read the op, the first thing I thought was that he is training you to do exactly what he wants by making you feel belittled and less.

It comes across, to me, that he is doing this intentionally, which is appalling and extremely controlling.

You need to get rid of him.

I think it is too late for you to try to change the dynamic and it wouldn't work anyway because these comments are deliberately constructed to reduce your confidence and self belief.

No one needs that.

Treat this as an emergency and save yourself. Get rid immediately.

Bin him. I bet your mental health improves dramatically once he pusses off. 💐

He has told you you don't know anything about your feelings. He is not allowing you to feel your feelings without making you feel bad.

And who the fuck says 'minimalizing masculinity'. Ah yes, someone who has swallowed the wrong colour pill.

What a belter.

@may8

THIS!!!

LTB.

Really glad you’re seeing a therapist. Keep seeing them to talk through it after you’ve sacked him off.

He is totally projecting what he’s doing onto you.

No one wants a sweaty nut sack to give affection, especially after he’s already been dismissive of you being tired.

There We Are Then….

This.

Practice saying this over and over again to prepare as he’ll no doubt headfuck and confuse you when you’re trying to take control and dump his abusive arse!!

Non-one deserves him!

@may8

Hell, depending on how long and how you think he’d respond, just send him a text.

I’d not normally suggesting dumping by text, but you have to consider the whole picture.

"Minimising his masculinity"??!!!

How did he say that with a straight face?!

Run

It is highly likely that your extreme anxiety is because he is emotionally abusive, controlling and manipulative towards you, and he deliberately goes out of his way to confuse and manipulate you. It is 100% him.

Thank goodness you don't live together, because it makes it so much easier for you to get rid of this toxic individual out of your life.

There is no way you could tell this story to make him in the right. Trust in yourself and end it.

'My therapist had said she thinks he may be emotionally abusive'

@may8 Your therapist is absolutely right that he is abusive, however due to professional constraints she would not be able to actually say so, which is why she has worded it like this.

If my DH said something like that I would kill myself laughing. But this isn’t a laughing matter it sounds deeply sinister in the context.

I expect you tie yourself in knots trying to analyse him and trying to appease him and it's never 'right'.... that's because he likes you being anxious and on eggshells.

The 'right' relationship shouldn't feel like this and you can't change someone into the person you want so matter how much you wish you could.

Once you see that he isn't making you feel secure and loved, hopefully you'll reach the conclusion that, despite your feelings for him/ the time invested so far, he isn't the person you need or deserve and you'll be happier and less anxious without him.

He's messing with your head and playing on your anxiety in order to manipulate you. He's a nasty piece of work.

Dump his sweaty arse as fast as you can and never look back. I bet your mental health will improve rapidly.

You are not doing anything wrong here at all. If you can't express yourself without being attacked emotionally that is a massive red flag.
He sounds like an absolute toss pot.. get away from him and work on yourself without someone like this in your life.
Emotional peace is a beautiful thing to have xx