Relationship anxiety over bf assuming my feelings

[may8]

I'm wondering if my relationship anxiety is making me see things wrong or if this situation would bother other people too.

I had a really long day (worked outside in the rain, went to the gym, grocery shopping, then came home and made my boyfriend dinner, did laundry, and cleaned the kitchen after dinner). I told him I was exhausted, and he responded, "Wow, so being an adult." I felt kind of dismissed because I was hoping for a little empathy.
Shortly after, he came over to hug/kiss me after he had gone to the gym, but he was drenched in sweat. I'd already noticed how sticky he was, so I instinctively leaned away because I didn't want to get covered in sweat.

He took that as me rejecting him sexually and said I was trying to "put him in line" by withholding affection so he'd learn he wouldn't get sex unless he did what I wanted. He also said I was minimizing his masculinity and said I always need to be in control and take that away from him and I don't like him being masculine.

I told him that genuinely wasn't what I was doing, I just didn't want to hug him while he was soaking wet and his hand was freezing from being in on an ice pack so I kinda moved away but he said I was denying the real reason for why I denied his advances. Apparently I got really quiet and ignored him afterwards, I was just doing the dishes and maybe annoyed he wasn't helping, and he took that as me being really upset about something and not being able to tell him the real reason. That it was just all about me not being able to express my true feelings and hiding too much. We have these fights a lot and I panic and apologize, cry, get angry because I just feel him pulling away more and more when we try and talk about it. I end up just agreeing with what he says and say it was probably that, but now it's too late because then that means I was lying earlier to him.

Am I missing something here? Is it reasonable that he interpreted me leaning away from a sweaty hug that way, or does it seem like he jumped to conclusions about my intentions? I genuinely don't know what I feel sometimes until it's too late.

Exactly. I saw Zendaya talking about how she knew Tom Holland was the one for her because she felt safe and calm with him. Not anxious or nervous or having to be something she's not. That's how relationships should make you feel. Secure.

He sounds like an insufferable arse! I bet if you end the relationship, you'll find you're anxiety will lessen considerably. He's the cause!

"Exactly. I saw Zendaya talking about how she knew Tom Holland was the one for her because she felt safe and calm with him. Not anxious or nervous or having to be something she's not. That's how relationships should make you feel. Secure."

Absolutely - this with bells on. @may8 - your relationship should be a source of calm, peace, joy and growth. If your partner makes you feel anxious, small and insecure, it is a bad relationship. I bet you will start to feel much less anxious when you end this relationship. Please do it soon.

That'd be funny if it wasn't frightening. What a tool.

What you’re missing OP is that you’re in an abusive relationship and you need to get yourself out of it. He has clearly swallowed the usual manosphere bullshit and is using faux psychology to make you compliant. Don’t fall for it.

He is emotionally abusive.

I think you should probably stay single for a while, to be honest. You sound very, very vulnerable to abuse and control.

Tell him that your relationship with him has made you realise you’re a lesbian . That should shatter his little incel ego

Im joking of course . Don’t do that . You’ll need to be careful when ending it as these types don’t take rejection well or will let you go easily

He sounds awful and he'll 100% be adding to your anxiety. Get rid and have a happier life without this abusive, manipulative, controlling arsewipe in it.

Look up emotional and mental abuse - gov.uk, relate, womens aid, etc.
Look up DARVO.
Enrol on The Freedom Programme tomorrow.
Ditch him. You are worth it.

If you keep it simple - park the who is manipulating whom - you are not happy, you argue all the time, you are increasingly anxious, angry and tearful. That is no way to live. Dump him and work on yourself alone for a bit and avoid a relationship until you feel more confident in yourself and how to recognise your emotions. Only then start dating again.

I tell you this most solemnly. Only EVER have people in your life who when you have seen them and can reflect on how you feel afterwards, leave you feeling calmer/uplifted/more capable/optimistic/lighter/brighter.

This waste of flesh isn’t doing that. Bin him. Get out and stay out. No analysing what went wrong or why this or that. Cut it dead. Your anxiety will absolutely drop.

The wow so being an adult thing is a bit mean but people shouldn't always expect empathy for feeling tired after quite a normal day.

I think that everything that followed re: pulling away from the kiss was a huge over reaction and it's dangerous red pill language he's using and I would be running away from him tbh.

It makes the wow being an adult thing sound much more cruel if he always reacts to everything in this type of way too.

Run. Fast. This is gaslighting, and he's doing it deliberately. He will not change.

Edited spelling

He sounds cruel and critical. Also full of shit. Why make yourself feel bad because of this specimen? Tell him it’s done.

Jesus! This is the reddest of red flags. Get away first and then take some time to heal.

You can never be the problem in a good relationship! If your bf tells you that you are the problem then, definitionally, the relationship is bad. If your bf doesn’t like you just as you are he is going to bend, mold, and break you to fit his idea of the perfect woman. And its you who will be broken.

What a prick. Why the fuck didn't he shower after the gym the dirty sod.

'Minimising his masculinity'?! Utter misogynistic tosh. I'd burst out laughing if someone said something like that if it wasn't so deeply disturbing.

You should tell him he's minimizing your ability to want to go anywhere near him due to his repulsive sexist personality. And the fact he reeks of sweat.

Honestly you need to get rid of him. He does not have your best interests at heart and is a manipulative cockend.

Sorry but massive red flags. You deserve better.

Op he’s telling you what you’re feeling is nothing of any importance no one wants to hug a sweaty person he is manipulating you I think because you live apart it might be worth having some time to yourself he won’t get better if you move in together he tells you what your thinking and doing but you can’t say it back it’s not a healthy relationship is it.

OP, this sounds awful. He was a bit sweaty and not helping out. I might have struggled not to laugh myself after the masculinity diatribe. Is he quoting directly from the internet? I would struggle to resist asking him a few questions to find out. Do you live together? I am rather hoping not. Then he could go home and you could have a nice time minus his sweaty masculinity. Sorry, OP. I did try to be kinder about his perspective but he's too ridiculous by far.

Quite seriously, you can't please not fancy a hug at any time you just don't without having to justify yourself, can't you?

I'm hoping that you'll update soon to say you've dumped him. Then you can have a lovely weekend.

I bet he is well aware of your anxiety making you doubt yourself, he is banking on it

This is how a coercive relationship goes.
For your safety finish it

And that's just how he wants to make you feel, he's controlling and manipulating you and then managing to make you think it's your fault, he's got you right where he wants you Op, - unless you leave him of course?

Well that's good news then that you don't live together, tell him it's not working for you and that you want to end it, then change your locks

he was trying to guilt trip you into sex, so weird

He also said I was minimizing his masculinity

Massive red flag. Dump this guy now, he's toxic.