AIBU to feel put off by my partner's dancing at parties

[YourChicCat]

AIBU for thinking this.
Im dating somebody who is everything I want and need. But I can’t help but get the ick about his dancing. I Noticed at a party he just seemed so… stiff. Uncoordinated and stiff.
I love a dance at a party and I don’t mean I want him to move like a dancer. But at least have some slight rhythm or fluidity. I felt a bit embarrassed and I’m ashamed to say that out loud 😔 I’m kind of over thinking it a bit and thinking about future events. I do not want to feel embarrassed. I don’t even know if anyone else would notice or care.. but it’s just how it made me feel

honest opinions welcome

Dancing - as in at a party and not in a professional context - is nothing more than an individual reacting personally in a way that helps them to enjoy the music and the experience.

Telling somebody that they need to try to enjoy something in a way that pleases YOU, instead of how THEY like to enjoy it, is hugely controlling.

Imagine if you were reading a novel on the beach and just loosely enjoying the story - but then somebody came to tell you that you weren't doing it 'properly' and that you needed to deeply analyse all of the plot devices, the nuanced Leitmotif and the character development; otherwise you were failing in reading the book 'correctly'... I can't imagine too many people happily accepting that and changing their methods to suit the desire of another person who is perfectly at liberty to read and enjoy their own book however they prefer. Most people would simply respond with two words, the second being 'off'.

That's a very interesting post and (while I won't ask where you are) as a lead I'm jealous as there's no shortage of them where I am. It's true that dancing can become a very very absorbing pastime. But I think that a person who takes, say, a few salsa lessons, learns some basic foot work and a couple of turns will have everything they need in oder to improvise on a disco dance floor and it needn't go any further.

But what if that person has no interest in dancing at a disco, and becoming objectively more acceptable at it? Or what if they do love dancing, but the way they love to dance happens not to meet the approval of other people who, presumably, aren't really enjoying it themselves either, if they have nothing better to do than to watch and critically appraise other people's enjoyment. Great if they do genuinely want to learn how to dance without being frowned at by judgey people; but otherwise it's just other people trying to make you more like them.

I couldn't care less about football - and I wouldn't take kindly to somebody suggesting that I could spend my free time taking lessons or reading books to help me learn how to enjoy it and be a good football fan... because I could not care less. If people call me a 'bad football fan' - well, they're correct; as long as they understand that I have no interest or intention whatsoever in becoming a 'good' one.

Well I think if a person is happy how they dance they should have at it. Just as I hope you think that there's nothing wrong with a person improving if they want to. If there was something I did in public that embarrassed my DW I think I would want to do something about it though.

No, as I said, if anybody wants to change the way they dance, by all means they can go for lessons.

That said, I don't really see how you can objectively 'improve' as it's literally just your own personal way of enjoying music - which I don't see can be 'wrong' or 'bad'.

To me, it would be like telling somebody with a Cockney accent that they could have lessons to 'improve' their accent and learn to talk more like the King. If they want to go for elocution lessons, to sound less like themselves, that's up to them; but I for one wouldn't be telling somebody that their own natural way of expression needed 'improvement'.

If you wouldn't sit next to somebody watching TV and telling them off for not laughing or crying 'properly' at the 'right' times and enjoying it the same way as you, why would you make their dancing all about you and believe that they should enjoy the music in the same way that you do?

As for embarrassing a spouse, I'd totally agree if you were taking your clothes off as you danced, or drunkenly rubbing up against strangers; but just how you move your arms and legs... why does it matter? Do people doing karaoke get told off by their spouses for 'embarrassing' them if they don't have objectively great voices - and told they need to go for singing lessons?

It's not your professional job; it's literally just people out for a night and enjoying themselves.

I once dated a man who was a great dancer, the trouble is OP he was also an irritating dick so be careful what you wish for.

Sure, all movement is self-expression. But put it this way. If you learn a couple of turns etc, you increase your options for self-expression (you are also less likely to fall over or cannon into someone). That is what I mean by 'improve'. It's not that hard and doesn't mean you're taking things too seriously.

I am biased though as I like dancing with people, ie physical connection. And for that you need a shared understanding of what's happening, which is why all those dance styles like salsa, zouk, tango etc exist. There's plenty of room for self-expression within them. They are so much fun. Ballroom may be different but I've never tried it.

As an aside, my day job involves a lot of speaking in public and there are definitely objectively 'better' and 'worse' ways to speak. The measure is whether you're connecting with your audience.