AIBU to feel put off by my partner's dancing at parties

[YourChicCat]

AIBU for thinking this.
Im dating somebody who is everything I want and need. But I can’t help but get the ick about his dancing. I Noticed at a party he just seemed so… stiff. Uncoordinated and stiff.
I love a dance at a party and I don’t mean I want him to move like a dancer. But at least have some slight rhythm or fluidity. I felt a bit embarrassed and I’m ashamed to say that out loud 😔 I’m kind of over thinking it a bit and thinking about future events. I do not want to feel embarrassed. I don’t even know if anyone else would notice or care.. but it’s just how it made me feel

honest opinions welcome

No, no! I didn’t mean you should do that! I was just hoping he’d develop more rhythm and a better sense of his body in space. But, of course, it might not work. My own husband dances like a blind man with fleas. I try not let it get to me. There’s an episode of Seinfeld that is all about what a terrible and embarrassing dancer Elaine is. If you find a way to watch it, it might make you a little better. ❤️

Agee.

DH hates dancing and will never come on the dance floor. I love dancing and I'd love him to dance with me, but he's lovely in other ways so it's not worth worrying about this too much.

It’s striking how self-conscious you are about this relationship, and that you feel everyone is watching you. What’s making you feel under scrutiny? People break up and meet new partners all the time. It’s rare that anyone is giving you as much headspace as yourself. What, or who, is making you feel so judged that some slightly dodgy dancing is such a factor here? And on a practical level, how often do you expect to be out dancing?

My previous partner and I have a lot of history. There were a hell of a lot of high highs and terrible lows but boy did we have fun when it was good.
I had to leave due to several things beyond my control. I know that the ship has sailed and I could never go back.

When we would socialise at weddings or parties we would enjoy our time together on the dance floor. It just worked. My whole circle of friends and their husbands are on the dance floor all night. I don’t make my new partner dance he just gets up which is nice but .. yeah .. I don’t know I just wish we could connect how I’m used to

I completely understand what you’re saying. This is how it should be. Though I’m from a town where everyone knows everyone and everyone judges something about someone. It’s hard.

You can wish he had rhythm and fluidity but he doesn’t and those aren’t necessarily things that can be taught/learnt I don’t think. Some people just don’t have a good sense of rhythm. Only you can decide if that is a dealbreaker. Seems a minor thing really if he’s great in lots of other ways.

Although I will say that in my experience, I think there’s a correlation between good dancing and good bedroom manoeuvres 😂 You can be the judge of that.

DW is unco as but we both enjoy Latin American dance and she's become pretty good anyway, and confident. At a disco we'd just adapt some moves. Take him to dance classes. Doesn't really matter which style.

I'm on both sides of this, being the most awkward freestyle dancer ever, but love a ceilidh or other social dance where you are expected to do specific moves. My partner is the exact opposite, thankfully he will join in dancing with me. Only you can decide how important this is for you.

Really? Everyone in your town judges everyone else? That’s all in your head….

Agree dance classes of some sort may help. It is awkward for him as he's in the position of being compared to your ex on this.

Even if they do, what a ridiculous thing to judge you for. It's hardly like they can take the superior moral ground if they're there tattling about you for not being a great dancer.

They can't have very much else going on in their lives if that's their key concern.

Ah yes that’s a classic episode! 😂

I cannot dance.

For me, it's not that I don't have rhythm (although I apparently can't spell it, that took me 5 attempts!). I play the drums, I can definitely coordinate my limbs.

For me, its that I am aphantasic, so I can't picture anything, so when I'm dancing I have absolutely no way of picturing what on earth I'm doing. Put me in front of a mirror, and I'm fine, I have a reference for what my body looks like and what it's doing.

So generally, when I'm dancing, I look a lot like your boyfriend @YourChicCat . I'm stiff, and wooden, and look uncomfortable. I'm not uncomfortable, I just look it. I don't find it embarrassing, and it doesn't sound like your boyfriend does either. Why would it embarrass me, everyone is shit at something. I'm good at lots of other things. Yes, people take the piss sometimes, but for me, thats part of the fun of being on the dancefloor at a wedding, laughing at each others piss poor dancing!

I do get what you mean about it being a feature of a previous relationship that you miss in this one. I had an ex girlfriend who I'd sing with. The relationship was a car crash, but we'd do the washing up together and just sing, and it was fun, and brought us closer together. DP and I do not sing together. DP cannot sing, her singing makes my dancing look good.

And yes, every once in a while I look back nostalgically and think of my ex and I singing, while I'm in the kitchen singing to myself. But DP and I do other stuff instead, and we have so much more fun than ex and I ever did.

It sounds like this is a good relationship for you @YourChicCat , why fuck it up for the sake of a single skill he lacks. Make your peace with his crap dancing, and lean into it. Everyone has flaws, they're a part of what make us love each other. His crap dancing is part of what makes him human, a unique individual, the person you fell for.

@VimesandhisCardboardBoots- a mnemonic to remember the spelling:

Rhythm Has Your Two Hips Moving

(Or possibly not in your case 😬)

I read somewhere that men that can't dance are less likely to cheat. 😂 Silver linings!
I've never been with a guy who could dance, spider in an inkwell springs to mind. I blame TV and movies for this unrealistic expectation of men to be Fred Astaire or Michael Jackson on the dance floor!

Lots of people suggesting going to dance classes together. I see why that would be suggested, I do want to remind anyone of how that might pan out, especially if you choose any partner dance, where men tend to lead and women follow.

As a beginner, it’s much easier to get started as a follower in any dance so that the chances are that their experience (her being much better than him) is likely to be reinforced. She will notice how much easier it is to dance with a partner who is already good, and he is likely to notice this too, no matter how tactfully she reacts.

However, if he does the work and gets the hang of it, he will find himself always with the pick of partners and even besieged as a leader. Even before he gets good, there will almost always be plenty of women ready and willing to dance with him.

She will find that it’s much more difficult to get really good as a follower and will get plenty of experience being grateful to get a dance from men who know they don't need to get better to secure a partner so tend to rest on their laurels.

Some dance scenes encourage beginners to learn both roles but even so… what I have outlined is the way it’s likely to pan out.

I don’t know what the answer is.

For me it’s been a mixture of choosing dance styles where mean and women routinely lead and follow and still have been so delighted to find a partner who can dance that I do a lot of travelling in order to facilitate dancing together.

Just sayin. Going to dance classes together may have unintended consequences

@VimesandhisCardboardBoots thank you. I needed to hear this

Thank you @BeddysMum, I am crying @ ‘spider in an inkwell’ 😂

Finding it hard to empathise or sympathise with you at all.

He's trying to dance and it sounds like he's having some fun, doing some silly moves. He probably didn't realise he was dating Abby Lee Miller and you were going to secretly judge him.

There's nothing embarrassing about not being a great dancer and no-one is going to think less of him or you just because he's not got much natural rhythm.

So when you have a cold does he make you a honey and lemon. What are his washing up skills like. Can you navigate a supermarket shop with out calling a United Nations peacekeeping force ?

Sounds like the relationship has run its course and it might be time to message your ex.

It's not because you're just out of a 14 year relationship and 'everyone is looking at you' - it's because you're insecure. No one else will give a shit how he dances.

My DH is a bit of a goofy mover aka 'dad dancing' - and I think this - 'meh'. Try that?

My friend once asked me to dance with her husband because she found him embarrassing to dance with. However her style is also very ‘interesting’ but she doesn’t seem to realise it.

I spent years with a self conscious man who didn’t want to dance unless he was very drunk and then he just had one move. At the stage he was drunk enough to want to dance he was a prat as well and the last thing I wanted to do was dance with him.
all I wanted was a man who can dance (in my eyes) and enjoys it, sober or drunk. I’ve got that now, but he’s missing some other skills that I may have had with previous partner.