BF said that he would never date again if he was single with kids

[ThisSparklyNewt]

So me and my BF were watching first dates the other night in which he says "You know, if we had kids and split up together then there is zero point in getting into a relationship". He says that if he was a single father then he'd just focus on his kids and if he needed sex then would just hookup with women but doesnt care about emotional support or connection as he would miss sex more. He thinks there is no point in being in a relationship or getting married if your not planning on having kids.

Another thing he says is that he could never love or feel anything for another woman

I feel the same way. No point in being in a relationship and using energy to focus on some clown when I need to focus on myself and my kids. Men these days are so weird, plus as a single woman you have to worry about predators going after your kids, lazy bums going after your property or financial resources, or abusive men who play games of destruction with your self esteem and mental health.

Women focus a lot on love and romanticize it to death, but the reality is relationships with men are exhausting and women always end up giving far more than they get to the point of being totally drained emotionally and physically. Once you have kids (if you even want them at all), there is no point in getting into another marriage.

Your BF is right.

Sounds perfect. If ever you split then your children won't have to meet different women or even have a blended family.

Only on Mumsnet would you find someone finding fault in a man who would prioritise his kids. Ridiculous

That's good isn't it? He's saying he'd put the children first.

It's far more common for men to "move on" by putting a new woman first and downgrading the children to accessories/ inconveniences/ eow hobbies. A father who is a father first and foremost in his personal life and not prioritising a new relationship is as it should be with children who aren't adults.

Yeah, I’ve got to say I agree. Maybe I’d feel differently in other circumstances, but personally my family is done and I won’t be having any more children. The statistics are just too high on the dangers of unrelated males entering the home. Not to mention the things I’ve seen and heard by nature of my job. So no, if I were to find myself single again my focus would be fully on my kids. That’s not to say I’d become a nun, just that relationships would be casual or just sexual and definitely out of sight, hearing or knowledge of my children.
I might have felt differently if I had as younger, had had one child young and maybe wanted to grow my family, but as it stands now there’s just no way that’s what I want or would be on the cards.
Any deeper romantic relationships for me would be when my children are adults, but then I wouldn’t want to remarry because I’d want to protect any inheritance they could get from me when I go. I perhaps would have cohabited later once the children were adults but with the laws changing around that then maybe not even then.

He sounds transactional and cold as a fish. There's much more to romantic relationships than having kids and fucking. What about friendship, and the knowledge that your partner will stand with you when things go bad, and vice versa?

The "I'll never love anyone again" is also really odd in this context. Agree with PPs, that sounds like love-bombing.

You think it’s normal to think there’s no point in a relationship unless you’re going to have kids? I think that’s a very odd point of view personally! Great that he’s prioritise his kids over a relationship (although that’s easy to say when he doesn’t have any) but weird that he thinks relationships are just a vehicle for procreation and nothing else.

I don’t know, I think he’s getting a hard time. I ended relationships with people who didn’t want kids before I was married because I did wanted children so yes, children were a central part of what I wanted in a relationship. I don’t think that’s unusual. Plenty of people see children and a family life as a key reason to be in a relationship. Otherwise women wouldn’t be vilified on here for daring to have children outside of marriage the way they seem to be.

Don't most people feel this way? Not all, but those who do date might worry about their new partners having issues with the kids, or their kids feeling unhappy. And it sounds like he's a great dad and partner, happy with you all which is brilliant.

Actually I'd missed the fact they don't have any children!

It seems a good parental instinct if the children actually exist and the parent speaking has that bond with their actual specific individual children.

The fact that there are no children does take it a bit into odd love - bombing territory, or even a vague kind of threat that if children aren't forthcoming the OP will be replaced.

The fact it's a theoretical statement rather than one made based on an existing parental bond and concrete parental love for a real child does completely change the tone.

I feel the same separated 2 plus years ago I don’t even look at men . Got no desire. For now that is.

My point is that a lot of women feel the same way.

It would seem from MN that a lot of women would walk away from a loving, stable relationship if their partner doesn't want a child or another child. In fact, they are often encouraged to do so.

It's certainly not seen as a 'wrong' when They do.

They're not prioritising a 'loving relationship' or a 'close bond' with a partner if they're willing to throw it all away for the possibility of a child with someone else.

It's seen as perfectly reasonable for a woman to not 'waste time' on a man if he doesn't want a family. Why would it not he the same for a man?

Really? My DH met me nine months after he split and he had two kids. He said he couldn’t imagine going through life without a partner. Most people I know who split and had kids have become involved with someone new, though most of my friends are with their first spouses (we are all 60+).

What happens if you have fertility issues are you getting dumped?

Do people don't understand what they read? He didn't say he would not date because he would simply prioritise his kids or that he would lose interest in women. He basically said that the only point of getting in relationship for him woild be to have kids and if he already had them he would just use women for sex. Ick!

If DH and I split then I’d be the same.
not because I have an endless love for him but because I will never ever live with another man. Ever.

Sounds like a keeper to me. My ex couldn’t wait to get a new girlfriend to help him out with his extremely part-time parenting.

Consensual casual hook-ups are not the same as “using women for sex”.

Most men say that but they quickly find another relationship It's like they can't deal with being alone and doing their own chores etc

Do you have plans with him to get married?

"You know, if we had kids and split up together then there is zero point in getting into a relationship".

He thinks there is no point in being in a relationship or getting married if your not planning on having kids.

I don’t get this. IF you had kids…. he thinks there’s no point in getting married or relationship if you’re not planning on having them… so are you planning on having them? Why say ‘if’ if you’ve agreed to have them and why say no point in marriage or relationship if you haven’t?

Is he thick or trying to pressure you into wanting kids with him in case he ends the relationship?

I agree with him. I did exactly the same but no casual hook-ups

Sounds like you have found a good man.

I think it's normal to want children and recognise that a long-term stable relationship with a woman is the way to get those as a man. It's also normal to recognise that should the relationship break down, you may not want to form another serious one whilst having children to focus on.

Obviously it's a man saying it so he has to be a horrible, nasty woman-hating user and not a realistic and thoughtful individual who would love and prioritise children. 🙄

Everyone seems to be focusing on the kids part - and actually yes, it's fair enough that he would want to prioritise his kids. However...

The BF has said getting into a relationship is pointless unless you're planning on having kids or getting married. He says he doesn't care about emotional connection or support. He would miss sex more than those.

OP and her boyfriend do not have children, nor are they married. OP is now wondering why they are together if he thinks relationships are pointless without children or marriage.

I appreciate he has also said he could never love another woman but he also said relationships are pointless.

I do get why you're a bit miffed OP. Have you discussed marriage and children being in your future? I presume not?

Tbf, when I separated from mu husband, I had no interest in another relationship for a good 10 years until the children were much older.

But I wasn't celibate so I, essentially, just used men for sex 🤷🏻‍♀️

Or... had mutually consensual sex with men I had no jnterest in having a relationship with.