Opinions on new partner coming round to what was our ‘Marital’ home.

[tiredconfusedhungry]

Very quick post I’m interested in others opinions.

Background, STEXH cheated on me, I found out and we separated a year ago. He’s still with OW. We are selling our jointly owned home. Who ever has our two children stays at the house, he stays with his GF when he doesn’t have the kids and I stay with my mum.

I have now met someone and have let my ex know that the person I’m seeing is popping round next week (daytime, children are not there) it is literally for 1 hour (he’s bringing lunch) as I have no child free time at all in the next 12 days due to ex working away/his social engagements. I thought it was the mature thing to do to give him the heads up, rather than he finds out from a nosy neighbour.

STBEX has said he’s fine with that but ‘doesn’t want’ him spending nights at the house. We’re not even there yet, we’ve not even slept together. But when I pushed him on why, he couldn’t answer me.

To my mind, when the children aren’t at the house, it is my home surely and I can have people over if I want? I would never invite my new partner over when my kids are there, we’re no where near the point of introductions even.

It’s made me a bit angry. He went and started a whole fucking relationship while we were still married and yet I’m being told what I can and cannot do. Ex even went as far to say he finds it strange that my new bf would want to be in ‘our’ house?

It didn't even occur to me to tell my exh when we separated who was coming and going!

I agree that it's none of his business. So what if a neighbour had told him they'd seen a man coming to your house for an hour at lunchtime? He could have been anyone.

You gave him a opportunity to have an opinion. Next time, don't.

Qn.. do you and StbX share the old marital bed or each have a room in the house?

If you have a room and he does i cant see the problem, if you alternate the bed and house I kinda see why hes bothered even if its kinda hypocritical

You don't need to be sharing info on your new relationship with your ex, do what you want as he certainly will be. What he doesn't know he can't disagree on. Live your life as you see fit.

But if the kids stay in the house full-time then there won't be a point where the new guy stays over since you said you would never invite him over when they were there anyway. Or do you mean if it takes like a year to sell the house you might want him to stay over at some point then? Otherwise, your ex seems fine with the new guy coming over to the house when the kids aren't there so you are on the same page basically.

I don't mean to take his side here, he does sound like a huge prick, but to me it sounds like you are saying and meaning the same thing.

If you are sharing the house I can kind of see how point, do you take turns sleeping in the same bed?

You are only doing really well because you are “obeying in advance” to keep him sweet. Stop doing that. You are training him to expect deference from you. If he “gets argumentative “ just shrug and walk away “I can see you are having some problem managing your big emotions, we can talk about the holiday schedule/snacks/finances another time when you are a bit more together.”

My cheating FIL still gets wound up 20 years after he cheated on MIL that she found another man after 15 years when he’s still with the woman he cheated with!

Men are fucking weird.

Absolutely correct.

Absolutely hilarious.

The lesson here is that it doesn't matter how "well" you seem to be doing, you only do "well" as co parenfs when HE is happy and you are doing ehat HE wants. Don't tell him anything anymore.

My exh had a new gf within 3 months. I was still in family home (since bought him out) for at least the following year he would try to dictate to me who could be round when the boys weren't here. Random drop ins and then give me the look of disgust if he thought i was 'entertaining' . Still had a key found out he was coming round and going through bins looking for evidence of activity. he's still with his poor gf 6 years later but for their first year he was doing all this. Still to this day he drives by when theres no need 🤣 I think its tricky as you still share the home. Nothing you can do that will "keep him sweet" unless you become a nun. Just do a blanket approach "I will be having people over" no need for specifics. I told him straight that my partner would be round when he dropped the boys off before bed when our custody changed and he accepted it.

And you don't need to tell him either, none of his business apart from the children

Print it out on a little card & hold it up every time he opens his mouth about this!

Otherwise ignore him - what a fucker.

Sorry, I didn’t expect this many replies.

I’ll try to answer as many as I can remember. No we don’t share a bed anymore. I have my room (our old room) he is in the spare room.

Plan is to sell here, walk away with half each and each find our own completely separate accommodation.

@Snokennew bf is coming over during the day this time. Ex said he didn’t want me having anyone to stay overnight in the house. There won’t be many opportunities for him to come over and stay anyway so ex mentioning it was a bit pointless. But I think he mentioned it because he’s taking the kids to his parents for the weekend as they are away so it’s the first time I’ve had the house to myself with not kids.

But, my youngest happened to mention that OW is staying with them this weekend too. They’ve never had an overnight with her. Ex didn’t think to mention that to me. So, yeah. I don’t tell him anything now.

If you have seperate rooms I absolutely dont see his problem

And hes defo only having OW over to try and hurt you. Which is shitty to you her and especially the kids. But id just let it go and not be so open in future if she behaves like this

Why did you even tell him? He cheated on you - he can’t start getting precious now!

Because I stupidly thought it was the grown up thing to do. I now don’t see why I bothered. But there we go, we love and learn!

Often the way

as long as ex is happy and op doesn’t rock the boat it’s wonderful co parenting

as soon as op has a life /doing stuff without ex - then they flip

seen it many times with friends and to a certain degree with my ex dh

So what if it’s the same bed. Sheets can be changed. No different to staying in a hotel. Other people sleep in those beds too.

I was going to say depending on time with new partner yes he shouldn’t be meeting or staying with kids there yet

but when kids arent there full steam ahead for sleepovers 😉

but he hasn’t a leg to stand on it his gf is staying overnight with your kids - yes they have been together for a year so longer

as yours is new partner it’s early days to meet your kids

hurry up and get house sold so no need for him to come to yours

If your kids are not there and you are in a house you half own, you can exactly what you like. He is being really out of order especially as he has an affair

You are free to see and do whatever you like your ex has absolutely no say in what you do in child free time.
Remember you dont need to run it past the cheating ex ... why would you.

Ha things can't be hunky dory in his current relationship; if all was going swimmingly well then he wouldn't give a shit. Hopefully he's regretting his actions and miserable.

I say this with kindness but it doesn’t sound like you’re ready for a new relationship. Still referring to the house as ‘our’ home and messaging your ex with unnecessary information. Ask yourself and be completely honest, did you message him to get a reaction in the hopes that he would be jealous? I can’t think of any other reason why he had to know.

I honestly thought it was the right thing to do, just letting him know. But I know I won’t be as forthcoming in future.

@catcatcat24i have wondered if I’m ready. This one came a bit out of the blue and it’s very early days, but who knows. I call it ‘our’ home as technically it still is. We both pay for it, we both take turns living there with the kids. It was purely factual. And he’s asked several times for me to try again, I have no interest in being with him. And really don’t care what his reaction was. I was telling him out of courtesy, someone would likely have seen us/him while he was here just because of the way the houses are and how close we are to our neighbours.

No no no.
So far YOU have been the amicable and respectful one.
By his very actions he has not.
And now you have potentially got a new friend/partner, where is his amicability and respect now?