Pregnant and struggling after partner says he misses his old family

[Georgia3092]

I'm currently around 6 weeks pregnant and feeling incredibly sad and lost about my relationship.

I've known my partner for around 4.5 years and we've been together for approximately 18 months. He has a 3 year old son with his ex-partner and was part of her older son's (now 14) life for several years too. They were together for nearly 4 years.

Throughout our relationship he's repeatedly told me how sad he is, how much he misses his family, and how there's a "hole" in his life. He says he loves me, I'm the person he wants to be with, I make him incredibly happy and that our relationship is great, but he still feels this sadness.

Last night he told me that even while we were on holiday together the last few weeks he felt sad and like something was missing. He said the hole gets filled when he's with his ex-partner, their son and her older child. He insists this isn't about wanting to get back together with her, but about missing the family unit.

I completely understand missing your child, but I honestly don't know how I'm supposed to hear that as his pregnant partner. All I hear is that something is missing when he's with me.

To make matters worse, he still stays overnight at his ex's house when visiting his son. I've told him this causes me huge anxiety, especially now I'm pregnant, and I've asked him to stop. He has basically told me he isn't willing to do that.

I feel like I've spent 18 months supporting him through his sadness, but nothing ever changes. He's recently started therapy but we're still having exactly the same conversations.

I love him very much, but I don't think I can continue in the relationship as it currently is. I feel constantly insecure, exhausted and emotionally drained.

Am I being unreasonable? How would other people interpret what he's saying? Is this simply grief over the loss of a family unit, or would you see it as a sign that someone isn't fully committed to the relationship they're in?

Honestly OP, I don’t want to upset you, but I would be seriously considering whether you want to have a baby with this man. How do you feel about being a single parent in a few years, but tied to him always because of a shared child. 18 months is no time at all to really get to know someone and commit to having a child together.

Termination isn’t very everyone, it’s a very personal choice, but honestly I’d do that and run for the hills. You deserve better than this. If I was being very kind, I’d say that at best he is confused about what he wants in life. That’s no relationship to being a child into when you don’t have to.

This
So the baby was only 18m old when you got together, that speaks volumes.
This is all very complex and you have some serious decisions to make OP.

He’s still sleeping with her. Sorry OP but you’re ok the road to a world of pain with this one

Get rid of this man/child and his appalling behaviour. He goes to stay at his ex partners house and won’t stop. How is this going to make you feel when you are 7, 8, 9 months pregnant? He’s not going to change, why should he? He has everything he wants. Do you even know that he goes to therapy or is that another lie to gain your sympathy. Don’t believe a word he says and terminate the pregnancy. I know that is harsh but honestly you don’t want to bring a child into this shit show. It’s a hard enough job with 2 loving parents, but as a single parent and linked to this man and his terminal sadness forever will drag you even further down

Is he one of those men who use 'being honest' as a cover for actually being manipulative and emotionally abusive? Because any normal man would know perfectly well that his pregnant partner is not an appropriate shoulder to cry on about ex-relationship/family sadness. He's just a twat. You should think about how he's treating you because I think you can probably do better for yourself than this.

That's not entirely true, birth and pregnancy have become increasingly medicalized for very sensible reasons, including women being free to choose whether and when to have babies. Women "are being told what to do" by midwives for example and they're free to take some advice and disregard the rest.

OP is free to do what she feels is best but that's exactly what PP are pointing out - she still has that choice, and she did ask for advice. Honesty does not impinge on another woman's selfhood.

OP also said she's even more anxious now that she's pregnant - it's not unreasonable (albeit insensitive) for PPs to suggest considering not having a child with a man who treats her abysmally.

Cmon, staying over at her house, clearly still sleeping with her, bin him off

Absolutely this.

This makes it worse!

And if the child is 3 and they were together nearly 4 years, she must have been pregnant ten minutes after they got together.

Telling a women that their are options that she could consider and telling someone they would be mad to not terminate or that she should terminate are very very different thing. Some people have worded it in a way where they have said that it is her choice but then put what they would do in that situations which is not an issue.

He's messing with your head and most likely up to no good with his ex. I think you know this but you're in the early stages of pregnancy so emotionally a bit compromised. You need to think very seriously about the direction of your future. One thing's for damn sure, you deserve better than this man.

He sounds like an absolute bastard. Does he care at all how he’s making you feel? Do you imagine that when he’s with his ex and the "family" he tells his ex has a hole missing which is only filled when he’s with you?

Please don’t let yourself in for a dreadful life with him. You deserve far better. And if you have this baby you’ll be tied to him forever. Sorry but I know what I would do.

Sorry OP but I'd be getting a termination and leaving him. He is still sleeping with her 100%.

He’s probably sleeping with her if he stays over and she’d have him back “in a heartbeat”. I’m sorry to say.

Men are simple creatures. If he can have his cake and eat it in 2 houses he’s absolutely going to do that.

I agree with previous posters. If this is how he is treating you, this man is not with you for the long haul.
If you want to have this baby, you'll have to accept that you will most likely not be able to form a happy family unit with their father and you may be a single mother - which is fine if that is something you want/can manage.

You deserve better than this nonsense from him, whether you choose to have a baby or not.

Ostrich. Sand.

Ofcourse nobody wants to listen to somebody's constant whining about missing his old family. It's very selfish and mean. He made a choice.

I'm sorry to be blunt but he's not in love with you and you're not his best friend. If that was true then he wouldn't dream of making you anxious by putting himself above your anxiety and staying over there. He's a selfish, self-centred man who probably only loves himself. I bet he didnt value his 'family' this much when he was there and chose to walk away from a toddler.

If this were me I would terminate the pregnancy

Well this is doomed isn’t it.

He still loves the ex. He’s with you because he got bored of her temporarily or something but now he’s realised his mistake.

He is a baby farmer. Even if he decides to stay with you in a couple more years he will want to plant a new baby with some unsuspecting fool.

He's at it, if you want to have this baby then you need to get used to the idea that you'll be on your own. You and your baby deserve better than this dick.

He’s a Twat, probably spinning the ex some shite about you. More than likely he’s still sleeping with her. What a catch he is, leave.

How long had he been split up with the ex before getting with you?

Why does he visit his son at his ex's place rather than have him stay part of the week? The boy is 3, he's old enough to be apart from the mother for a day or two.

He has too much emotional baggage and I can't see your relationship working out until he resolves his issues. You should think very carefully whether having this baby is the right thing to do.

Please don't add another poor child to this mess.

Get away from him.

Rethink this pregnancy and move forward, away from him.

You deserve so much better than this.