Pregnant and struggling after partner says he misses his old family

[Georgia3092]

I'm currently around 6 weeks pregnant and feeling incredibly sad and lost about my relationship.

I've known my partner for around 4.5 years and we've been together for approximately 18 months. He has a 3 year old son with his ex-partner and was part of her older son's (now 14) life for several years too. They were together for nearly 4 years.

Throughout our relationship he's repeatedly told me how sad he is, how much he misses his family, and how there's a "hole" in his life. He says he loves me, I'm the person he wants to be with, I make him incredibly happy and that our relationship is great, but he still feels this sadness.

Last night he told me that even while we were on holiday together the last few weeks he felt sad and like something was missing. He said the hole gets filled when he's with his ex-partner, their son and her older child. He insists this isn't about wanting to get back together with her, but about missing the family unit.

I completely understand missing your child, but I honestly don't know how I'm supposed to hear that as his pregnant partner. All I hear is that something is missing when he's with me.

To make matters worse, he still stays overnight at his ex's house when visiting his son. I've told him this causes me huge anxiety, especially now I'm pregnant, and I've asked him to stop. He has basically told me he isn't willing to do that.

I feel like I've spent 18 months supporting him through his sadness, but nothing ever changes. He's recently started therapy but we're still having exactly the same conversations.

I love him very much, but I don't think I can continue in the relationship as it currently is. I feel constantly insecure, exhausted and emotionally drained.

Am I being unreasonable? How would other people interpret what he's saying? Is this simply grief over the loss of a family unit, or would you see it as a sign that someone isn't fully committed to the relationship they're in?

Fuck that OP, it’s so disrespectful. Don’t spend another second with this man and seriously think about if you really want to be tied to him. It’s really not a great relationship to be bringing a baby into at all. Please give this some serious thought.

Yuck op. You want to be the center of someone's world. Not a substitute. Yoir worth more

he chose to leave the relationship with his ex not the other way round. She would have him back in a heartbeat

Is that what he told you? He chose to leave, and she would have him back? You only have his word for that, don't you? I bet it's bravado, she left him and he says she wants her back, because it makes him look good.

Look, you're the 'other' woman (not via cheating) here, and you and your pregnancy are an irritation to him. If he was truly in love with you as he claims, you would more than fill up the hole. It would be overflowing. He is telling you that you are not enough and never will be. Ever. I think you're the stop gap, the one he resorts to because the one he truly loves won't take him back. He misses her and wants to be with her. That won't ever change, he tells you this. Believe him.

You don't want to be tied to this man for the rest of your life as he will be going back and forth with not one but two baby mumma exes. Please, please get a termination and throw this man out of your life for good, and find a man to whom you will more than fill his hole, you will be everything. Being tied to this man for the next 18+ years is going to absolutely destroy you. And you know that. It is destroying you now.

He says he loves you and wants to be with you. But sleeps over at hers and flatly refuses to stop. WTAF??? Please please please think very carefully about this. Please don't be taken for a fool. He is an immature, selfish, thoughtless, pathetic excuse for a man. He doesn't love you OP. He doesn't care at all how all this is affecting you. Your future is as a single parent, with this arse controlling you if you have this baby. You won't know a day's happiness with him.

@Georgia3092 I don't think you are listening to anyone.

You say "he works unpredictable days and hours and no week is ever the same" - are you absolutely sure that you know where he is when he says he's at work?

He's most probably lying to both of you.

I'd try talking to her directly - you may or may not find out anything but I'd try.

His actions tell you everything - he is not going to do anything to suit you - look how he treated the other woman (with a child) - he's already realised what he can get away with - he's treating you like a doormat. Imagine how this is going to be with a baby.

6 weeks in - you need to think hard and fast.

He's the pick of the bunch is he? What do your friends and family say about him?

Unless you want to be a single mother and/ or second best on a permanent basis, have a termination. Don't deceive yourself... He's telling you directly that there's a hole you do not fill. All the rest, love, best friends, etc etc, is rubbish he feeds you to keep you going. Don't be naive.

I don't think it's reasonable for him to feel that way given that he decided to embark upon a new relationship that involves a baby on the way...

He clearly hasn't moved on properly which is so unfair to OP

She knows he’s a vile man yet she chose to get with him knowing he’d left his partner with an 18 month old. Out of one relationship directly into another. A prince amongst men.

Then she choose to get pregnant knowing he was weekly going to stay with his ex. He’s playing her for a fool. She actually thought her being pregnant would make him stop seeing his ex. She also believes all the lies he’s telling her. So yes she’s very foolish. Bringing another baby into this is madness.

I rather suspect that the mother of his 3 year old has no idea about you. I suspect he is living two lives. You say he has a job with unpredictable working patterns. That's quite convenient for a man who is lying to two separate women. I wonder if where he lives with you is the place he keeps for whilst he is at work as far as his first woman understands... which is unavoidably three hours away from his actual family. Have you ever had contact with the "ex"? Does she know you are pregnant? Not from what he has said, but from what you actually know?

Please seriously consider if you want to be a single mum. Which you absolutely will be. And whether he will actually ever be in your child's life / offer support / parent equally. The other women and children are his family, he has bluntly told you so. Where does that leave you...? Grovelling for scraps of his time when he can be bothered? You deserve better and I hope you realise it too.

Something's not right with his explanation though is it?....I would speak to his ex and see if their stories match. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

I would end the relationship immediately. I would then have a long hard think about whether I want to be a single parent.

Then he isn't happy with you really, and whatever his intention, he is tormenting you by constantly saying he misses his ex and the children. I don't know why he is doing this, but it sounds intolerable for you.

This is a flavour of your future life if you stay with him and have his child. He will always have the link to his 'old family' and it will continue to upset you. Consider your options very carefully - you don't need to be tied to him at all.