Pregnant and struggling after partner says he misses his old family

[Georgia3092]

I'm currently around 6 weeks pregnant and feeling incredibly sad and lost about my relationship.

I've known my partner for around 4.5 years and we've been together for approximately 18 months. He has a 3 year old son with his ex-partner and was part of her older son's (now 14) life for several years too. They were together for nearly 4 years.

Throughout our relationship he's repeatedly told me how sad he is, how much he misses his family, and how there's a "hole" in his life. He says he loves me, I'm the person he wants to be with, I make him incredibly happy and that our relationship is great, but he still feels this sadness.

Last night he told me that even while we were on holiday together the last few weeks he felt sad and like something was missing. He said the hole gets filled when he's with his ex-partner, their son and her older child. He insists this isn't about wanting to get back together with her, but about missing the family unit.

I completely understand missing your child, but I honestly don't know how I'm supposed to hear that as his pregnant partner. All I hear is that something is missing when he's with me.

To make matters worse, he still stays overnight at his ex's house when visiting his son. I've told him this causes me huge anxiety, especially now I'm pregnant, and I've asked him to stop. He has basically told me he isn't willing to do that.

I feel like I've spent 18 months supporting him through his sadness, but nothing ever changes. He's recently started therapy but we're still having exactly the same conversations.

I love him very much, but I don't think I can continue in the relationship as it currently is. I feel constantly insecure, exhausted and emotionally drained.

Am I being unreasonable? How would other people interpret what he's saying? Is this simply grief over the loss of a family unit, or would you see it as a sign that someone isn't fully committed to the relationship they're in?

His true feelings are not in what he SAYS, they are in what he DOES. Your child deserves a dad who is fully committed. This man is not. You have time to get out and terminate the pregnancy. Do it.

Can everyone please stop telling her to have an abortion though. That’s a truely vile thing to say and massively over stepping the line. A abortion could be completely against someone’s beliefs, it could be a planned pregnancy (however foolish) or something she’s always wanted. Nobody has a right to advise someone to end their child’s heartbeat

Were you trying for a baby or was it a contraception fail?

You never did say whether you were the other woman or not?
Regardless you deserve better

What he's saying and what he's doing do not match up. Whenever that's the case, it's always the actions that are the truth. Regardless of who chose to end the relationship, his heart is still there. He may well want to be fully committed to you, but he's just not. I would recommend you let the fantasy go, find your self-esteem and move on - there is someone out there who will put you first.

Why on earth would you try to have a baby with this man?

I do worry what goes through some women's minds.

bin

You would be a complete fool to have a baby and stay with him. He will make your life a fucking mess.

So he left his son when he was 18 months old at the oldest, probably younger. (If his son is three, and you've been together 18 months, this must be the case.) Stupid man - of course he has regrets.

I'd terminate if I were you. But I'm not you, and I don't know your age or anything.

All I know is that he has massive unfinished business over there, and I'd hate to feel like second-best. The fact that he refuses to stop sleeping over at hers just shows he is not committed to you. Only go ahead with this baby if you just want a baby at all costs and/or it might be your last chance to have one. Not sure of your age.

Sorry, OP. You deserve so much better from the man whose baby you're carrying. He left his baby son, and now he's making the mother of his second baby feel like shit. He doesn't sound much of a prize to me.

Continue the pregnancy or don’t, but do not continue with this man. I cannot believe he has the audacity to say this shit to his pregnant partner.

I think it's perfectly fine to recommend abortion. Abortion is healthcare. It has been SO demonised by parties invested in patriarchy and control over women's bodies that in fact it should be routinely and vigorously proposed at every situation like this, to normalize the primacy of female agency and choice and to counter the oppressive prevailing attitudes.

However if OP returns and says she wants to keep the pregnancy, then everyone should respect that and turn to helping her prepare for single motherhood with a manipulative player.

do you consider yourself pro-choice?

“nochance17 · Today 22:37
Why are you having a baby with this man ? Let him go. This man has a foot in both camps, he has known you and her for roughly the same amount of time. He doesn’t know what he wants or he may be struggling with everything happening so quickly, having two kids with two different women in three years. Is he hoping that you end it as he keeps telling you he’d rather be somewhere else ? He’s not going to be a reliable partner. Look at his actions rather than his words. Why does he need to stay overnight to see his son ? That isn’t normal , an ex wouldn’t usually want him there. Why are you tolerating it ? If he really loved you and wanted to be with you he wouldn’t be pining for his old life and he definitely wouldn’t be staying there overnight. Getting pregnant after 18 months is very quick. Consider whether you really want a baby with him, can he financially support you and your baby as well as his three year old ? There’s a high chance he may return to her and you’ll end up a single mum, is that what you want. If you choose an unreliable man you are setting yourself up for a hard life.”

This with bells on.

It’s not remotely ‘vile’. It’s a pragmatic decision aimed at making sure that the OP and any putative child she may have will have the best possible life. Your “‘ending the child’s heartbeat’ stuff suggests you have anti-abortion beliefs. Which is fine, but don’t push them on others.

your last sentence so hypocritical.

this comes from someone who is pro choice

Your partner is not emotionally available to you and it does not seem likely that he ever will be.

He's said hes not willing to stop sleeping there even now that I'm pregnant.

This tells you everything you need to know. You're not his priority and Im sorry but I don't think you ever will be.

It’s not that complicated. I’m sure you’ll work it out.

You’re a bird

He’s not a good man and you’re a fool for believing his crap. Would you really want a man like him to be the father of your children? You can’t be that desperate for a man! Have some self respect! You won’t be the last woman to have his child either.

But you're happily pushing your pro abortion beliefs on others.

@Georgia3092 If it were me, I would have some questions to ask him and a boundary to be drawn before I could make my mind up where I stood.

• Does he miss you when he’s with them?
• Does he feel a “hole” when he’s with his ex and the kids and you’re not there?
• Does he understand that his behaviour gives his ex false hope?
• Does he understand that he’s asking you to carry the emotional cost of his unresolved grief?

I get that whilst he may not want to be with his ex partner, he misses being with his kids even the non-biological one. When you walk away from a relationship, there are normally things that kept you there longer than you should have been because they were right and its OK to mourn the loss. But what he’s describing isn’t just “grief for a family unit. It’s an active emotional attachment to his ex‑partner and the life he had with her, one that is still shaping his behaviour, his choices, and the emotional climate of his current relationship. And the key point is this:

He isn’t doing anything to protect you and his unborn child from the impact of that grief.

He’s sharing it with you, but he’s not managing it. He’s not putting boundaries in place. He’s not adjusting his behaviour to make you feel secure. He’s not taking responsibility for the emotional fallout. He’s simply saying, “I feel sad, I miss my old family, and I’m not willing to change anything I’m doing.” That’s not grief. That’s emotional ambivalence.

The overnight stays are the biggest red flag. You can understand why he wants to wake up with his child, that part is human. But in the current set up that is creating unrealistic expectations (and lets be honest maybe hope) for his ex and the kids. But adults who are committed to their new relationship find a way to do that without sleeping under their ex’s roof.
Especially when:

• the new partner is pregnant
• the new partner has expressed distress
• the ex would understandably interpret the overnights as mixed signals
• the arrangement is three hours away, meaning it’s not a casual drop‑in
• he has a pattern of saying he “misses his family”

He’s not just co‑parenting. He’s maintaining a version of the old family dynamic, and expecting his pregnant partner to tolerate it.

That’s not fair on anyone, not you, not the ex, not the children.

Reading between the lines, when he says to you “I love you, but I feel a hole that only gets filled when I’m with my ex and our old family unit" what he is really saying is: “I’m not fully emotionally available to you.” And when he adds: “I’m not willing to stop staying overnight.” He’s saying: “My comfort and my emotional needs come before your security.” That’s not commitment. That’s not partnership. That’s not someone ready to build a new family.

If it were me, I'd get answers to the questions I kicked off with and I’d absolutely insist on neutral accommodation, hotel, Airbnb, whatever, where he can have his child overnight without sleeping in his ex’s home. If he refused? That tells you everything you need to know.

Dump!

Girl you’re his affair partner not his partner. He’s still mentally and physically with his ex and their family. I personally believe he’s telling you he misses his family because he wants you to have an abortion and leave him. I’m so sorry but he doesn’t want you he wants the life he built with her and he’s too cowardly to tell you. He isn’t sleeping in an annex either clearly he’s sleeping with her.

He sounds like an over emotional love sick teen.

He chose to leave.

He thought about it. He knew it would drive a wedge between now exw and dc

He thought that was a price worth paying to get away from his ex

I can forecast that when you have this baby he will be saying the same to his ex about you

Whilst his ex might be sleeping with him that doesn’t necessarily mean she wants him to return.
She might be putting on an act for him
knowing she is pissing you off

It’s all well and good that he wants to return but would she have him

She might. I have known women who lead their ex on talking about the family and how great things are between them and then when the guy splits with their new partner and starts to make plans to return to the first They say absolutely not.

They don’t want the ah who left them to come back because they know he isn’t going to stay

I will say one thing. Whilst he might be getting everything laid out for him and she is doing the pick me dance. That’s not a reason to return.