Pregnant and struggling after partner says he misses his old family

[Georgia3092]

I'm currently around 6 weeks pregnant and feeling incredibly sad and lost about my relationship.

I've known my partner for around 4.5 years and we've been together for approximately 18 months. He has a 3 year old son with his ex-partner and was part of her older son's (now 14) life for several years too. They were together for nearly 4 years.

Throughout our relationship he's repeatedly told me how sad he is, how much he misses his family, and how there's a "hole" in his life. He says he loves me, I'm the person he wants to be with, I make him incredibly happy and that our relationship is great, but he still feels this sadness.

Last night he told me that even while we were on holiday together the last few weeks he felt sad and like something was missing. He said the hole gets filled when he's with his ex-partner, their son and her older child. He insists this isn't about wanting to get back together with her, but about missing the family unit.

I completely understand missing your child, but I honestly don't know how I'm supposed to hear that as his pregnant partner. All I hear is that something is missing when he's with me.

To make matters worse, he still stays overnight at his ex's house when visiting his son. I've told him this causes me huge anxiety, especially now I'm pregnant, and I've asked him to stop. He has basically told me he isn't willing to do that.

I feel like I've spent 18 months supporting him through his sadness, but nothing ever changes. He's recently started therapy but we're still having exactly the same conversations.

I love him very much, but I don't think I can continue in the relationship as it currently is. I feel constantly insecure, exhausted and emotionally drained.

Am I being unreasonable? How would other people interpret what he's saying? Is this simply grief over the loss of a family unit, or would you see it as a sign that someone isn't fully committed to the relationship they're in?

You'll be tied to him forever if you have the baby. Why would you get pregnant in this situation? He doesn't see you as his family, and that won't change with a baby, if that's why you want a kid with him. He says his family is his ex and his kid/stepkid, open your eyes and find a man who puts you front and centre, and doesn't make you feel like shit! Why would you want this? He's selfish and he's messing you around. Don't settle.

He stays over. What exactly do you think he's up to?

Set him free. He's setting you up for failure and misery.

But that is not your choice to make. It is her body her choice. No one should ever tell a women what to do. Yes some people would choose to do different and that is their choice that they should make without interference. But there is no mention of the op even considering a termination so it shouldn’t even be mentioned.

Have you asked him which hole you're filling when he's with you?

You have some hard choices to make. A baby will not magically save a relationship which in its honeymoon phase should be anything but filled with angst. Much less when the father seems to have left the previous relationship over a baby.

She has known him for 4 years. Together for 18 months

Why are you pregnant? This does not seem a great relationship to bring a child into

If she’d have him back in a heartbeat they’re definitely sleeping together! He’s using her to feel part of the old family and you for a companion. He’s a bad person, a user. You both deserve better.

Are you new here?
Mumsnet is full of people telling women what to do, it's literally the entire point of Mumsnet.
And you can't tell people what they can and can't mention either, sorry.

You are a woman who has choices - use them immediately - put your big girl pants on because you are half responsible. You cannot blame the man - he told you but you chose not to listen.
I would ditch him - he has repeatedly told you are not enough even though he potentially thought you could be. I could not ever be comfortable knowing I was not enough.
Generations of women have fought tooth and nail for the right to control having babies. Make your choice - it may be an imperfect choice either way but you will have to live with the consequences for the rest of your days.

Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it

Unfortunately a clear case of actions over words. He's telling you what you want to hear but his actions are saying different. Staying over at hers?
He's not the one, please don't tie yourself to the man, its not going to end well

Termination is completely different. A women should never ever be told what to do with their own body. I just don’t think people can go on saying that they are pro choice and then tell them that they should do what that person sees is best. it is completely different to other things.

and I bet anything if someone was coming on here saying to keep the baby and that abortion is murder (not what I believe at all) she would be absolutely slaughtered.

He sounds like one of those people who has to have the newness of a new connection, with a little bit of conscience thrown in.- hence his wanting top ups to his pathetic self esteem from the ex and oldest child.

Certainly not someone to create a family with. You are being manipulated OP..this is not a good man

There's absolutely no reason why he needs to stay at his ex partner's house. He can visit his son without the need to stay over. I suspect he's given his ex some hope that they will reconcile and based on that, she's allowing him to share her bed. Then there's you, early stages of pregnancy, so full of hormones, who he's telling he loves but when he's with you something is missing and he misses his family! He wants you insecure, needy and desperate to hang onto him.

Your boyfriend is a highly manipulative man, who is happy to use women, and play with their emotions. It gives him a sense of power, having both of you desperate for his attention.

If you continue in this relationship, you will end up with zero self-esteem, because his manipulations will grind you into the ground. You deserve much better than him. As for the pregnancy, you need to think long and hard about if you want to be tied to this man forever? You will need to co-parent with him for the next 18 years. If you continue with the pregnancy be very very aware that you will be doing it as a single Mum.

Dump him. Have the baby/don’t have it. But get rid of him.
Personally I’d terminate for the clean break but I’m older, more cynical and just couldn’t fathom bringing a child into a world it will always feel not enough by their dad.

Women should think about the resultant child and what sort of relationship/dad they are bringing to that child.

🤦🏽‍♀️ What the hell is wrong with you OP? Why would you get together with someone with an 18 month old in the first place… this whole relationship sounds like a sham I’m sorry to say it.

I wouldn't feel secure with him. He can't have his cake and eat it, too. If he wants to be with you, that means no more sleep-overs at his ex's place. His relationship with his son (and step-son, if his ex allows it) doesn't require him to sleep over there. That's nonsense, and I'd end the relationship with him if he won't see that. He should be focused on continuing to be a father to his son while preparing for the new 'family unit' that you're in the process of creating. He's making everything about him and how he feels. Self-obsessed and selfish. I'd be very wary.

Men rarely leave their partner, home and children if they don't have to. It is expensive, inconvenient and makes them sad. I reckon she chucked him out. I could be wrong but though.

This isn’t fair on you OP. Who wants to feel 2nd best? It’s irrelevant what he says, his behaviour shows you even though it causes you anxiety they come first and he is not willing to go all in with you.

Don’t be surprised if they have still slept together. It’s not normal to have a foot in each family this way. He needs to build a bridge and get over his sadness, or let you and the baby go.

You get what you settle for. It’s one thing for him to treat you poorly, but you have a choice to accept it (as he has said he won’t change) or to walk away.

So he’s got two women pining for him, and is playing with them both, and you’re brining another child into the situation. I don’t say this lightly but I’d end the relationship and the pregnancy. He has no respect for you, and a child will tie you to him for life. You’ll spend all of that precious life wondering if he wants you and being trod down by him only for him to move on when his ego demands a new fling.

Honestly I'd terminate and let him go

Bloody hell. I agree there are problems in this relationship, but to make the leap to ‘needing’ to have an abortion is a bit much. She doesn’t need to do anything of the sort, even if she splits from partner immediately. If she wants to go down that route, then fine - her decision, but plenty of women (and men) raise children on their own. I did. In fact, I split with my daughter’s father before I knew I was pregnant. It never crossed my mind not to continue with the pregnancy.

The future you want to have and the one you’ll actually get giving the variables are poles apart. Do consider your options. This could be a really tough set up. Why settle for crumbs?