Pregnant and struggling after partner says he misses his old family

[Georgia3092]

I'm currently around 6 weeks pregnant and feeling incredibly sad and lost about my relationship.

I've known my partner for around 4.5 years and we've been together for approximately 18 months. He has a 3 year old son with his ex-partner and was part of her older son's (now 14) life for several years too. They were together for nearly 4 years.

Throughout our relationship he's repeatedly told me how sad he is, how much he misses his family, and how there's a "hole" in his life. He says he loves me, I'm the person he wants to be with, I make him incredibly happy and that our relationship is great, but he still feels this sadness.

Last night he told me that even while we were on holiday together the last few weeks he felt sad and like something was missing. He said the hole gets filled when he's with his ex-partner, their son and her older child. He insists this isn't about wanting to get back together with her, but about missing the family unit.

I completely understand missing your child, but I honestly don't know how I'm supposed to hear that as his pregnant partner. All I hear is that something is missing when he's with me.

To make matters worse, he still stays overnight at his ex's house when visiting his son. I've told him this causes me huge anxiety, especially now I'm pregnant, and I've asked him to stop. He has basically told me he isn't willing to do that.

I feel like I've spent 18 months supporting him through his sadness, but nothing ever changes. He's recently started therapy but we're still having exactly the same conversations.

I love him very much, but I don't think I can continue in the relationship as it currently is. I feel constantly insecure, exhausted and emotionally drained.

Am I being unreasonable? How would other people interpret what he's saying? Is this simply grief over the loss of a family unit, or would you see it as a sign that someone isn't fully committed to the relationship they're in?

He's a car crash and he's abusing you by taunting you about his previous girlfriend.
It's a very new relationship, still in the honeymoon phase and this is really him at his very best. He's not good enough for anyone.

What an awful awful man

Be grateful you found out how little respect this excuse for a man has for you, and a potential family with you, whist you have a choice.

Hi op action speaks louder than words he’s choosing her and her kids every time. Does he ever have his son at his own home? He will miss it because he’s not moving on if he keeps sleeping over he needs to make a clean break and see his kid away from the ex. She is probably loving this set up if she wants him back. Op where does he sleep when he stays over. I’m not sure how this can work out for you as he is not willing to compromise. I’m sure if it was the other way around he was living with his ex but staying over at yours to see his baby she wouldn’t be happy either. No one in their right minds would accept this set up. You need to tell him you accept his kid is number one but he also has another one to consider and you can’t be part time parents and be together as a couple it’s very odd op. Do you even see the ex.

Oh for goodness sake why would you have a baby with this man. It’ll be a life of shit, he is saying things he knows will upset you.
if I were you, and I don’t say this lightly, I would end this pregnancy and restart my life without him.

6 weeks. Get out now. Stop this madness, he's just not that in to you i'm afraid and doesn't seem that bothered by mentally torturing you.

Please just leave now, don't take the crumbs of someone elses life, coz that's what he's giving

You don't say it explicitly but it sounds like you were the other woman? So he has a kid with the ex, things get a bit boring, babies are dull, the script begins and he starts sniffing around for the next option. He gets together with you, the script continues, she doesn't understand him, their relationship is over. He leaves for you. Things are fun for a while but then you get pregnant and a new script starts.

Looks like he's the problem, truly.

What a load of self obsessed drama from him. A pp is right that you are in a drama triangle. I’d get rid of him and have a termination.

What happens when you're tired from coping with a newborn (or maybe a toddler), and he finds someone else who makes him happy?

It doesn't sound like he has. I think he is sleeping with his ex too as well.

And round they go

He is playing you both like a fiddle. He gets to sleep with her (he isn't just staying at hers because he wants to do bathtime with the kids) and he psychologically torments you by feeding all this BS about a 'hole'. Aye, there's a hole alright. These pathetic specimens tell on themselves so easily 🙄

I'm sorry OP, but you would be utterly mad to bring a child into this. He has already told you how far down you are in the pecking order, I guarantee a child of yours will be even further down. It'll be a matter of him spending time with his 'number one' family, and you and your child will get the dregs.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s still sleeping with her op. I’m so sorry. This is not a man you can rely on.

YANBU. WTF does he expect you to do about it? His emotions are not yours to manage.

Please ignore all the comments telling you to terminate. Incredibly insensitive.

This man should not be in a relationship with anyone right now. He has unresolved issues that are impacting his relationship with his child. And his child should be his primary focus.

A good dad would be caring for his son in his own home on a regular basis. Why isn’t he? That’s a huge red flag.

A good man would be making it a priority to sort out his own issues, not dumping them in his partner. Also a massive red flag.

OP love is not enough for a successful healthy relationship. It doesn’t actually matter that you love him or that he says he loves you. You both need to have shared values and goals as well as be in the right place to enter a relationship. And he is not.

And you also need to think about why you are willing to accept a partner who would behave in this way. Someone who won’t be a proper father to his son, stays with his ex partner (and yes they are most likely having sex) and tries to dump all his problems on you. He sounds very weak.

Is this really want you want? Your feelings are totally valid but given he’s made it clear he’s not going to change it’s up to you what happens next

Oh op I’m so sorry this sounds stressful. You need to sit down with him and start giving some boundaries on him staying at his ex.
i would even go as far to say that you feel you can’t be in a relationship if he continues to do hhia

also please ignore the people on here telling you what to do with your baby and your body. No one should influence you to keep a pregnancy or to not keep one. It is your choice.

I’d terminate the pregnancy and dump the guy tbh

sounds messy

Not insensitive in the slightest, but sensible advice to prevent a lifetime connection to a loser who spreads his seed, fucks off and is clearly shagging whoever's gullible enough to swallow his pathetic tale.

The likelihood of him contributing anything is v low.

He's contradicting himself, isn't he? How can he say being with you makes him happy when he's also sad and missing family life? He chose to leave his family when his youngest child was just a baby - he has to own that. It's difficult to have much sympathy to be honest. And now he's fathered another child in a very new relationship - he sounds irresponsible and selfish frankly.

If I were you, I'd seriously be questioning his commitment to you and your baby 😔

Incredibly practical in terms of the OP's future happiness and peace of mind.

'Don't have a baby with a dud' is one of the single most important things a woman can do for herself.

As harsh as this may sound, I think I would be definitely ditching the Boyfriend and questioning whether i want to have a baby because you’re in the early days and it’s not too late to do something about it

A man who leaves his partner with their 18 month old for no good reason is a shit. She hasn't cheated, she hasn't done anything wrong, he just didn't feel the crazy headover heels lust-love any more, probably partly because she'd had his baby and was perhaps tired, less confident about her body and splitting attention between her twelve year old and her toddler and him. Poir didums fucked off with a woman who he'd known since well before impregnating that partner.

He's going to do the same to you. Your morals and decision making abilities also look questionable, given you were happy to get together with him when he had an 18 month old and a bond with a twelve year old he's been a father to since the age of eight.

He's playing you with his "saddness" to keep you playing pick me. To give him the benefit of the doubt, if he's very young or very stupid perhaps he's not doing it completely consciously, but he probably is.

Decide whether to be a single mum or to have an abortion - you're very early. Stop playing pick me and kick the piece of excrement out of your life as far as possible - if you decide to keep the baby he'll be trying to play you and manipulate you for the next nineteen plus years though.

Not someone I'd choose as a good father figure. He sounds like he needs to grow up and stop making more children quite frankly.

Oh FFS - this is such a massive cliche. Honestly i would look at whether you do want this baby as a single parent and if not, look at other options.

You have been having a relationship for 4.5 years for someone with a 3 year old. The maths isn’t mathsing for this to have been anything other than a mess.

He is one manipulative bastard.

All his talk of 'sadness' keeps you on edge, doing the "Pick Me" dance.

This is your life if you stay with this self-absorbed having-his-cake-and-eating-it wanker. Always second best, always trying to fill his imaginary hole, your self-esteem and self-respect dwindling until you're a shell of yourself, still waiting for him to decide that he. is actually happy.

He will never be 'happy'. His 'unhappiness' is a tool to keep you dancing.

"She would have him back in a heartbeat" - of course he's sleeping with her! It keeps her doing the "Pick Me" Dance too.

This man is an unmitigated bastard. Wise up, before you're tied to him for life through a joint child, a shell of your former self and a single mother to boot.