Partner slept with sex worker

[Misssillyfool]

Grateful for some advice… my partner of 21 years not married that’s another story! We both have ADHD in different ways, at times it has been an emotional rollercoaster! I will do my best to explain this.. few months ago my partner came to me and said that he was struggling with the feeling that I didn’t trust him (I have trust issues past relationships that were toxic) have both been loyal the last 21 years he went on to telling me he read about non monogamous relationships and how he thought would help with our insecurities and by doing a one off (seeing a sex worker that would make but originally he said it would make him feel really trusted by me I was a bit stunned at the time and that was that until we gottogether and he showed me some sites he been looking at I’m feeling bit uncomfortable and said I was feeling uncomfortable and stopped looking.. fast forward a week on a saturday morning he said I think we should do this again stunned having all these feelings and could this help our relationship our insecurities I was feeling so overwhelmed and I consented.. I felt psychically sick to my stomach all day/ night. When he came back I felt numb but anger inside I now have huge regret the decision I made and ever since random times I cry or feel so angry and now feel like it’s broken the biggest mistake I’ve ever made i don’t know where to go with this I think it’s played a big part in my severe anxiety + D any gentle advice greatfully received

My ex's brother slept with a prostitute on Puerto Banus. One of the reasons he's my ex is that he said "well he only did it the once" and " he's my brother". He also hit his wife.

True. Buying sex is a different thing... I agree, the men who buy sex are not exactly the kind of men I'd respect, or want as a partner!

Exactly this
I’d have binned him off at the very suggestion never mind giving him the option to come back afterwards!

Ex-partner. Your ex-partner bought sex.

Dump!

You might think that but its not called 'the oldest profession in the world' for no reason. It's not what you or I would choose to do but it is a profession like any other. Sex trafficking is obviously a different issue.

It's the oldest exploitation in the world. Midwifery is the oldest profession.

He's disgusting. End it and spend a good amount of time learning to feel comfortable, happy and at peace being single, this will protect you from ending up in another abusive relationship should you wish to date again in the future.

I don't know if you've considered this but he sounds sadistic. He didn't plainly cheat, he coerced you into consenting and has created a private show of your turmoil that you don't feel able to share with people in real life and further isolated you. Deliberately. Because it wasn't about the sex, it was about tormenting you.

I find it baffling that the term "sleeping with" or "slept with" a sex worker is being used in multiple posts. It's sex, there's no romance or charm to it, it's sex in exchange for money.

OP - this relationship no longer works for you, tell him goodbye and don't look back.

What absolute twaddle. The ‘happy hooker’ trope. Are you a man ?
No, it’s not a job like any other. Affluent, educated, happy and well adjusted women with no history of trauma and abuse do not have prostitution on their list of career aspirations.
Do you think prostitutes get treated well ? Do you think it’s a safe ‘job’ with no risk of injury, infection, death ?
It isn’t an equal contract. It’s exploitation.

He's absolute scum.
I'm so sorry OP.

Get away from him.

Haven't read any of the replies but basically he said he doesn't feel like you trust him and a way to make you trust him was for him to have sex with a sex worker?

Fuck me. What a cunt. Get rid. ASAP.

Agree.
OP he has no respect for you or women in general. He thinks you are stupid. He is manipulative and creepy, with a strong desire to crush and hurt you. He doesn’t love you.
Thank goodness you don’t live together as that makes ending this easier.

It is not a 'profession', a woman's body is not a place of work.

he went on to telling me he read about non monogamous relationships and how he thought would help with our insecurities and by doing a one off (seeing a sex worker that would make but originally he said it would make him feel really trusted by me

That is the biggest load of bullshit I have ever read (not from you OP, from him. I realise you're only reporting what he said.)

He wants to screw around but is making it your fault by questioning your trust. Stuff that for a game of soldiers. You have every right to feel sad and angry, you've been played and gaslighted. He is a piece of and I think you need to seriously ask yourself what you get out of this relationship. He's nasty, and you would be better off without him.

Yes if you leave he will spin it that it proves you don't trust him. Sod him. You don't have to put up with this.

OP, he isn't going to magically start respecting your boundaries now.

Keep the anger and end it.

Your feelings are Valid OP. Listen & be kind to yourself, your partner is doing neither.

BTW, this is nothing to do with ADHD. Plenty of men with ADHD lead lives based on love and respect within their monogamous relationships. Do not let him tell you that you were the problem or that he has extenuating circumstances because both are bollocks and he is simply a disgusting prick.

Gross. I got a bit lost reading your post towards the end but it sounds like he wants to shag a sex worker, you want to remain monogamous, he went off and boffed a sex worker (or whatever acts were involved), and now he's making out like you're the weird one.

It's not weird to not want your partner to visit a sex worker. It's not weird to not want your partner to bonk anyone other than yourself. It's not weird to not want to engage in any hanky panky with anyone other than your chosen partner.

I know that there are poly people, that there are people with open relationships, but that can only happen and work when all the parties involve know about it and consent to it. That's not what's happened here so it's a betrayal.

Don't let him gaslight you into thinking you gave him permission. Don't let him gaslight you into thinking that you're prudish or uptight.

It is if she says it is!

It is only exploitation if it isn't chosen by the individual. Midwifery was a communal role in ancient times and to count as a profession you need to be paid.

I don’t imagine the majority of them do it because they enjoy it, for some it will be a last resort and for some it will be a way to get the funds for drugs or alcohol, i personally wouldn’t want to go with a sex worker out of respect for them more than anything but plenty of men do. I don’t like the idea that it’s transactional as that’s not what sex should be.

He is a bad man. Don't fall for this shit. It doesn't even make sense as an argument.