Partner slept with sex worker

[Misssillyfool]

Grateful for some advice… my partner of 21 years not married that’s another story! We both have ADHD in different ways, at times it has been an emotional rollercoaster! I will do my best to explain this.. few months ago my partner came to me and said that he was struggling with the feeling that I didn’t trust him (I have trust issues past relationships that were toxic) have both been loyal the last 21 years he went on to telling me he read about non monogamous relationships and how he thought would help with our insecurities and by doing a one off (seeing a sex worker that would make but originally he said it would make him feel really trusted by me I was a bit stunned at the time and that was that until we gottogether and he showed me some sites he been looking at I’m feeling bit uncomfortable and said I was feeling uncomfortable and stopped looking.. fast forward a week on a saturday morning he said I think we should do this again stunned having all these feelings and could this help our relationship our insecurities I was feeling so overwhelmed and I consented.. I felt psychically sick to my stomach all day/ night. When he came back I felt numb but anger inside I now have huge regret the decision I made and ever since random times I cry or feel so angry and now feel like it’s broken the biggest mistake I’ve ever made i don’t know where to go with this I think it’s played a big part in my severe anxiety + D any gentle advice greatfully received

You mean your EX partner slept with a sex worker...

This man is selfish, disrespectful and manipulative.

Dump him, get an STIs test and get on with your life.

Why on earth would him seeing a sex worker have addressed your insecurities? What a bizarre thing for him to keep pushing.

OP you know this is a relationship ender, he doesn’t respect you.

I’d really love to know how the logic of “you don’t trust me so I’m going to do something that will definitely make you not trust me” came in his head.

It sounds like the relationship has run its course. He wants his cake and to eat it. End it and you’ll be better off !

In the bin with him. You will be so much happier when you stop trying to salvage anything from this shitshow. 💐

This is your way forward. You will be far happier.

To those of you denigrating sex workers, or speaking about abuse, sex work is a job like any other, as long as the woman chooses to do it voluntarily, without any kind of coercion. I did some research on sex work and interviewed many sex workers, from those who do shifts in brothels to independent escorts, for a university study. I met many who expressed being very satisfied with the job, doing it voluntarily, having no regrets, being very happy earning a good salary, etc., etc. I'll never forget what one of them said to me: "I enjoy the money, the freedom to choose my times, and the lifestyle. You know what I would hate? Scrubbing other people's toilets. That would make me feel worthless. This job instead, makes me feel in control, it's well-paid... and I enjoy the freedom it provides."

Of course, my heart breaks for anyone who is forced into prostitution... That's an entirely different thing, of course, a crime, and a miserable fate.

@Misssillyfool the fact you have to come in here to ask if this disgusting behaviour is reasonable or not is troubling.

You need to leave.

And then you need to stay single whilst you heal and recover and focus on some self love.

Sorry I will never ever concede that “sex work” is a valid choice and an equivalent job like any other. It is not. It’s pernicious and damages all women.

My advice to you would be that you deserve so much better .
Move on as this 'man' isn't worthy of you and has donr something so incredibly selfish with no regard for you.

I agree with this. And the likes of Bonnie Blue et al should stop glamourising and normalizing it. It's neither glamorous or normal.

His behaviour is utterly awful. I am sorry op.

He's taken you for a fool .

And if you stay with him , you are .

Well of course they're going to say that! I wonder how they'll feel about their choices years down the line.

What bizarre logic. That’s like being a nervous driver who’s scared of crashing, deciding to deliberately crash their car in the hope it’ll make them less nervous!

I'd find it very hard to stay in this relationship OP.

I'm not denigrating women who sell sex, I'm criticising the men who buy it. It isn't work it comes with none of the rights and protections of work.It is adult sexual exploitation. I've spent a large portion of my career safeguarding women who "sell sex" . Even those who tell you initially they are happy to do it it makes them empowered it's easy money etc, eventually the truth comes out, emotional, psychological and physical trauma, addiction, self harm and the experiences they have would turn MNers stomachs. Also just to play devil's advocate and pretend selling consent is work, how does a man know whether the woman he uses is one of those women or one of the former? He doesn't and frankly they don't care. That's before we even talk about the societal impact on misogyny of trying to legitimise the sale of consent

He's absolutely manipulated you and the only thing he's good at is taking advantage of vulnerable people.

He's cheated on you then slept with a sex worker who is likely to be in a vulnerable position herself.

This might be controversial but I think any man that sleeps with a sex worker should be added to the SOR.

Him using prostitutes isn’t your fault.

OP, it’s really not you, it’s him. There’s no coming back from this - you can’t stay with a manipulative, cheating, gaslighting partner. You need to ensure your own safety, and leave him.

Gaslighting prick! In the bin with him.

Completely agree with your final paragraph.

I can completely understand why you’re so upset. His behaviour is absolutely outrageous. He has exploited both you and the sex worker in this situation. Personally I don’t think I could ever forgive this betrayal, he’s taken advantage of your vulnerability. I don’t know how you could forgive this. I’m so sorry.

None of this makes ANY sense?

He thinks you don't trust him. His solution to this is to sleep with prostitutes. What?

After 21 years you haven't committed to living together or getting married - again, very strange.

Walk away. This guy is insane!

Ugh. I’m so sorry op. Make this gaslighting twat an ex-partner asap - you’ll be happier.

He thinks he should be entitled to have sex with another woman to fix trust issues 🤣🤣🤣

Personally, I find it a job like any other. Some of the ladies I interviewed said they would like to do a different job (but then, that's true for many of us in a different line of work, right?)
Whatever you do in life that is an honest choice, should not create regrets in the future. I've done many things in life I wish I had not done (in hindsight) but because I chose to do them at the time, voluntarily and willingly, I don't regret them. Not everything is black or white - not even sex work.