Should I leave an abusive partner or hope he will change?

[40isntsobad]

So here goes - I’ve wrote on here a few times over the last few years - please don’t come at me 😢

so I’ve been with my partner for a very long time - we have 2 children together - we have seperated once a few years ago - he was meeting other women (not the 1st time) also he drinks a lot and is verbally abusive.

I forgave him as my youngest was so young I thought I couldn’t do it alone - fast forward 4 years - the abuse was getting horrendous - night after night of shouting at me - calling me names - taking the mick out of everything and everyone I like. On the flip side he provides for us and would give me anything I want - we do from the outside live a very comfortable life

i happen to bump into an old flame one day - we were best of friends when we were young but blew the chance of a relationship (my doing)
we got talking and before we knew it this turned into a daily thing ( we’ve never met in person again) I adore him - he is everything I don’t have, we FaceTime etc and I am developing feelings for him again!
one night my partners abuse got out of hand - I told him to leave - he refused but cried for 5 days - telling me he wil change - he will prove he can be a better person! Things have got better over the last month - but his old habits are slowly slipping back

do I continue this path with my current partner - or dare to risk everything for someone who could actualy love me? My heart tells me to go but my head stil believes maybe one day he wil change!

He isnt going to change. Leave him and be happy.

Leopards don't change their spots....hes had enough chance's. Time to be happy OP x 🫂🙏❤️

You know deep down that he won't change. You can wait longer if you want, or finish this now. Up to you, but staying could just become more and more stressful, and he is most unlikely to try and make it easy for you whenever the time comes.

They never change.

They never change. They make a little more effort for awhile, just to keep you hanging in there, thinking it can be better, but then they’ll revert back to type.

You get to and your kids out of an abusiv6home before it escalates to violence / the violence escalates and he puts you in hospital or worse.

He won't change.

He can't or he doesn't want to but you know this. He will fake it for a bit, lure you back in and do it again and again and again until you're too beaten down to even think about going.

Leave, take the kids, be in your own, focus on a safe life nnot which man will come and rescue you

Leave. He won’t change.

But don’t jump straight into something with a new man.

Or if you’re going to do it anyway, at least give it a few years before introducing the new man to your kids, or moving in with him. You deserve to be happy, but it can be done without involving your kids, at least initially.

do I continue this path with my current partner - or dare to risk everything for someone who could actualy love me?

If your current partner was going to change he would already have done so.
You need to spend some time loving yourself before even thinking about allowing another person into your life.

He won't change. He's already proved that to you.

Leave him, but it would probably be better to spend some time on your own, just you and your children, rather than jumping straight into another relationship with someone else, even if you do feel you know them. Keep that low profile and just friends for some time yet.

Leave him (obviously) but maybe try life with just you and your children for a while rather than jumping straight from one man to another.

As everyone else said - he is not going to change. You need to leave him. For your sake and your children's sake do not enter a new relationship immediately. You all need to heal. Do not move man to man.

Bin him. But please don’t rush into another relationship.

Leave. Don’t think too deeply, just act.

Leave.

Abusers like that don't have the capacity or willingness to change.

Your kids deserve better too.

Don't jump into another relationship either.

I know it is hard but you need to learn to stand on your own two feet without believing you need a man.

Bin him off, take some time on your own to heal with your children and think about doing something like the Freedom programme. Contact your local domestic abuse service for some support.

If this guy from your past truly is who you think he is, he'll give you the time and space to come to terms with what has happened before rushing anything.

This isn't an either/or. Be very wary of jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire. The last thing your DC need right now is mummy's new boyfriend.

Leave your abusive partner for the sake of your children, if not for your own.

Seperately, when the dust is settled and you've done the work required to undo the damage this current relationship has done to your self esteem and done some investigating into why you chose him and stayed with him for so long, then and only then consider another relationship, while keeping your DCs needs as priority.

Leave but don't mistake your old flame for your next big love. Your abusive partner isn't going to change, but you need to, so take the time to get to know yourself better and put in the changes necessary to form a healthy relationship the next time around. It is very common to form attachments to anyone who is warm and kind when you are in an unhappy relationship. Don't mistake it for anything more.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. He won’t change.

Your children are your first priority. Leave and learn to live on your own with your children. If you go to this new man, you will have taught them that they are NOT FIRST to their mother. Any bloke with a functional penis comes before them. That’s bad parenting that leaves a scar inside your children.

Leave. Build a home. Teach your children you are happy with them and no one else but them. Learn to be strong, independent and to create safety.

The husband you have has no interest in changing. Your unhappiness is his joy and his comfort. Blokes never walk away from that.

Your partner won't change OP. You need to make arrangements to leave as things will probably get worse.

Just as important as that though, its interesting you think your options are stay with him or pursue a relationship with your old friend.

Why does it have to be one or the other? You need to have some faith in yourself and your ability to look after yourself and live your life. A partner is not a necessity and jumping into another relationship now is likely to be very unhealthy for you longer term.

I think sometimes people don’t realise just how hard it is for people to change their established behavioural patterns and there is a very naïve and extremely widespread attitude that change is far more possible than really happens.

Yes people can and do change incrementally over time based on their experiences but the level of input people need to change is almost like the span of childhood experiences squashed into maybe 3-4 years.

Rarely do people get the level of support and insight for that to happen.

Leave him but don’t jump into another relationship. You need to learn first from you experience and you need to get yourself and your children onto a safe footing.

He's not going to change.
Make a break and build your own life.
Don't swap one man for another. Only date again once you're single and independent otherwise you'll be walking into another mistake. Dodgy men can sniff out a vulnerable woman a mile off.

Thank you everyone - I know deep down you are all correct - i have been mentally broken by this man - but the strength needed to leave is what kills me - I am a person who always sees the good in someone - I make excuses as to why he called me that and in my head have learnt this is normal behaviour!

A friend said to me the other day - this is how your children will think relationships should be - that broke my heart!

A friend said to me the other day - this is how your children will think relationships should be - that broke my heart

That is a really good friend.

I think the sense of inability to make a move often comes from the fact that the abuser and your support system are one and the same. That can be financially/emotionally and psychologically. That is why these relationships are so so hard to end.

You probably need to engage with women’s aid or similar to get some other support behind you.

Leave, but not to jump into something new.

Leave for yourself, leave for your children, learn to be alone before you think about dating or starting new relationships.