Abusive ex suddenly wants contact - help

[TheNicestFudge]

Hello, I didn't know where to post. This is about my ex.

He was highly abusive, got me in a coercive control relationship when I was much younger. Lots of DV and trauma for me and the children, and a horrible divorce. He hasn't seen the children for three and a half years. I've recently moved house and he emailed me out of the blue saying he wants my address and would like to see the children. He says he 'heard' I was moving which makes me wonder if he was spying on me as we have no mutual friends now, no connection.

What can I do? Do you think I have to give him my address? Do you think he would be able to see the children? I haven't replied yet. Children are tween/teen.

I'm really frightened. It is hard to explain to someone who hasn't lived it, but I am a hundred percent sure he wants nothing good, just terror and control. This isn't like a normal situation with a slightly flawed or rubbish dad.

Any advice welcome, please.

If my ex tried to get in touch after all these years I'd be frightened and angry too.

I wouldn't reply though, he doesn't deserve you or your children in his life.

Delete and (do your best to) forget.

I think you should get in touch with women’s aid now for support, in case this escalates. I’m really sorry this is happening.

Thanks @BetterOffNow. I am beside myself thinking he could somehow legally force my sweet 12 year old to spend the night at his house, when she doesn't even know what he looks like any more.

I have @ClaredeBear. They've just given me a bunch of legal advice lines that are never open/need a referral etc.

Their reply gave me the same feeling as before, eg of someone not really listening or helping while he moves in quickly and has a faster plan.

He's not a stupid or broke guy, but rich, successful, charms and bullies people for a living.

Okay, first thing first.... he's not going to get overnight stays. No court is ever going to allow this at this point in time. So don't worry about that.

Do not, under any circumstances, give him your address.

The question is whether or not you see any value in him returning to your children's lives? if the answer is no, then ignore his email. chances are he will disappear but in the unlikely event that he doesn't, you don't have to do anything until the point at which he actually takes you to court... and at that point, worst case si the jduge might suggest some supervised contact (but only if your children want it as I think they'll have a say in it).

If you do think the children should have a relationship with him (although I can't see why you would), you can suggest suypervised contact at a neutral venue, not your home at all!!!

You ignore all contact until you get a court summons. He can take you to court for access but until then ignore him
i think at 12 the court would take your daughters wishes into account too

Honestly I think I would ignore it and block his email address.
Calm your nervous system and remind yourself he’s not in control any more.

It's easy to catastrophise and for your thoughts to spiral, try to tell yourself that none of this will happen. I find giving myself a stern talking to in a mirror helps me calm down!

You're in control at this point. Don't reply to him and he won't know where you are anyway.

Do consider legal advice on a restraining order against him though if you're really worried he might find you, you can get 30 mins free advice at most solicitors.

Do not engage you have come to far to allow him back in your lives. He will have to take you to court at this point so therefore the onus will be on him for everything going forward. Don't respond to him, block his email address. You owe him nothing.

Do you not think he could insist she go on holiday with him or something.

I can see no positive in him being in their lives, at all. He has a poisoned and sadistic soul.

I think I’d ignore and wait for next moves. It’ll be a good year before it gets through the family court waiting for cafcass report etc. Teenagers are entitled to an opinion so if they don’t want to go, they’ll be listened to.

He cannot force a child of 12 to go away with him if she doesn't want to.

I agree. Once my DD turned 14 it was up to her whether she saw her dad, assuming this is still the case then yours won't be far off so should be able to refuse.

I agree, just ignore him (set up a rule to send his emails to another folder so you don’t even have do see them) until he escalates.

Not only will this save your sanity, being ignored is what these men hate the most. Don’t give him the oxygen or headspace.

good luck op.

No, of course he can't. Not after 3 years of no contact. x100 if the DV is on record.

A friend's ex wanted to take the children away for 3 weeks.... took her to court. Judge literally told him that perhaps, if he wants to take his children on holiday, what would be helpful if he actually turned up for his EOW contact first and to come back to her after he'd been consistently doing that for a year.....

He found out you have moved and thinks he has the 'right' to know where. He does not. He lost that right when he stopped seeing the kids over 3 years ago. Just seriously ignore him. He just wants control.

Do your kids have SM?

If they make sure it is locked down and check who they have following them, its worryingly easy to find people these days if you are not absolutely shit hot on security.

Yes I also think this. It's a control tactic. Hopefully, he'll get bored and go away again.

First and foremost block him on email why haven’t you done this already ?

I would not respond. Ideally shut down the email address he knows. He can't serve legal papers on you if he doesn't have a contact method so close the contact method down.

I don’t have him blocked because of the nature of how these guys work. The more barriers you put up the more fanatical they become about taking revenge.

Your post made me feel really anxious and I don't even know you. Huge red flags and well done for not replying to him straightaway.

Did you have any dealings with the police before you split? I'd be tempted to get in touch with them just to alert them that he's trying to get back into your life. Same with social services. I'd absolutely give Women's Aid a call to see what they'd advise.

In any other situation his message seems totally normal but given his history, I'd be very concerned about his intentions.

My instinct is for you to talk with relevant agencies local to you in real life. I would also definitely talk with your children's schools so their pastoral teams know and can be on alert in case your ex tries making approaches through school but mainly so they can support you and your children and keep an eye out.

On a more positive note: you've done so well to get away from him and create a safer and happier life for you and your children. Proud of you.

Yes he has been paying maintenance. It was written into the divorce.

Thanks @MajorProcrastination, I myself feel very unsafe. He is a dark person. I will try to flag up with the police I spoke to previously, thanks.