How to handle a sudden break-up and getting my things back

[Applepie285]

Been in a relatively short relationship, 8 months. He suddenly dropped on me today that he doesn’t feel he’s ready for the commitment of our relationship (despite him pursuing me initially, and being very keen on us being official).

We booked a weekend away together for my birthday in early July, and just made the final payments last week. It was his idea!

I’m blindsided, but I know someone who can chop and change so quickly isn’t someone I would want to be with anyway.

He broke up over a phone call and kept reiterating how much he loves me but just doesn’t feel like he is in the headspace for a relationship. He seemed a bit put out when I replied neutrally and said, "Thanks for letting me know, I’d hate to be in a relationship with someone who isn’t really into me."

He immediately protested this and went on a speech about how much he loves me and how much I mean to him. I didn’t reciprocate 🙄

He was also really keen on us remaining friends. I didn’t say much on that topic, as I don't think it would be healthy.

He has a few items of clothing of mine I’d like back, and I'm thinking how best to navigate this. I’m considering sending a direct text requesting if he can just drop them off at my front door or porch when he has a chance?

Does anyone have tips on how to navigate all of this in a dignified manner?

TIA!

Just wanted to say that's really impressive, brilliantly handled OP!

Pay for an uber to pick them up

Definitely get your clothes back. Keep your cool, pick them up, say thanks, then leave. If you don't he will just imagine in his head that you are so ditraught about it all that you can't even face getting your stuff back. Show him that you are unbothered instead.

OP, he has finished with you, not the other way around. You don't owe him any sympathy or tiptoeing around his feelings. He has your stuff, you want it back. Tell him this and arrange a time to go and get it. It's never an especially pleasant experience but you sound like he has done you a favour and you might need that dress to wear on a date with someone who deserves your time and energy. Good luck!

Absolutely no need to lose a lovely dress over this numpty. Just agree a time, breeze in, collect your stuff and breeze out again. So sorry not to be able to stay and chat but you’re late for a party/gig/date. All the best.

I'd just go round there and get your stuff. Text him "I need my stuff back. I'll pop round tomorrow at 6:30pm unless there's a better time".

If he tries to drag you into conversation, just say "I've not got anything to talk about, I'd just like my stuff please". In the small chance he won't give it to you, just leave and either write it off or threaten him with small claims court

Yes! This. If you want to keep it especially brief get your most eligible looking platonic male friend/someone else's husband to drive you there. Ideally in a flash car. Get your dress and breezily announce that you have reservations for dinner somewhere nice.

This with bells on.

I was with a man very similar to how you describe for 6 month. He pursued me heavily, instigated key milestones etc. We spent a very expensive week together at a couples’ resort (his suggestion). Then within two weeks he ‘didn’t feel close to me’ and I was chopped.

your instincts are sound, Op. don’t let him contact you further, just arrange to retrieve your belongings and then block him. Onwards to a better and lead headbanging match.

Someone said something to me in the aftermath that really helped me move on. Yes, people are entitled to change their minds of course. But to surprise someone with this information after giving the impression you’re all in is not the sign of a man you’d want as your husband. He hasn’t been communicating well so cordially starve him of any future opportunity.

Just play nice until you've got your things back, then ghost him. I'm glad you know you deserve better OP.

I’m confused by people saying leave your possessions behind, you own them ofcourse you’d like them back.
What you’ve suggested is fine text to ask him to leave them out for you and just drive by and collect them.

You've handled yourself brilliantly and great that he landed up on the back foot, he was not expecting that response from you 👏
In your shoes I'd sent him a short message saying you need to come collect your dress/things - suggest a day/time and take it from there
When you go, be civil towards him, neither hot nor cold
A breezy thanks, bye and walk away
I personally wouldn't take a friend with you, it looks like you need back up if you do that
Block him on everything after that if you feel like it
You got this girl, he's nothing but a footnote now

No advice but just full of admiration - you're so level-headed and taking it on the chin. His loss!

Thank you! I just treated myself to a lovely lunch and a walk around a park in the sunshine listening to some music. Actually having a nice day.

slightly boring update, I sent a brief text requesting my stuff back to the porch, he read and replied to the text the same minute and said he would drop it off asap. He also tried to make some small talk about when I’d be back which I ignored.

Doesn’t sound like you need much advice - you’ve handled it like a boss so far.
I hope you can still go on the trip perhaps with a friend or would that be more painful.
Get him to drop the clothes off when you’re out and no need to be friends unless you really think it’s possible. I quite like being friends with exes once the dust has settled, but it really is a personal choice.

This, I’d take the proactive approach not trust him to do it. Be factual - hi, you have some things of mine I’ll come around to collect. Are you home at any of these times?

I hope you’re still getting the weekend away - not with him obviously - but it would be a shame to let it go to waste. And well done for knocking the ‘friends’ thing on the head. That’s just breadcrumbing while he sees what else is out there.

Hi all. I went no contact with him after my stuff was returned - got a load of texts/missed calls last night of him saying how much he misses me, how he realises how unfair he was to break up, and general low effort grovelling. I won’t be engaging, if anything it has made me lose even more respect for him. Yuck.

I presume my total lack of emotional response was an ego kick for him.

Did you get everything you wanted? No funny business about forgetting something so you have to keep going back?

Fabulous. Well done you, because nothing says 'Could not give a shit, mate' like an absolute failure to respond or engage in anyway,

Perhaps he'll realise that dating adult women requires you to be a grown up and not play silly games.

I wonder if he read some BS on the manosphere about how this would make his girlfriend all keen to please him to get him to stay with her.
Backfired, what an own goal.
You sound awesome, op.

Well done, OP. Nice work.

It sounds like he thought his telling you he wasn't ready for the commitment of a relationship would make you pursue him harder than ever and it was a total ploy to make you desperate.

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. You popped his ego bubble and he didn't see that coming.

I hope you enjoy your trip anyway.