Overreacting or right to feel put out?

[TartealaFrangipane]

I've been with DP for almost a year and half now. We don't live together although there has been discussion about it, mainly prompted by him, but I think it's still too soon.

We get on incredibly well on pretty much every front except in the bedroom. I am very much attracted to him and he speaks and acts in a way that tells me he feels the same about me, the way he touches me, massages me, holds me, however, he has ED. He is 15 years older than me and I am in my early fifties, so not really unusual you are probably all thinking. Viagra hasn't worked and he is now on medication that can make ED even worse. We have never had proper penetrative sex, it almost happened twice and I've now given up on it happening, have come to terms with it, that my feelings for him are strong enough that it has stopped mattering.

Without going into too much detail, despite getting on very well, I have ended it a couple of times over the ED issue because I found out he was masturbating to Instagram and Facebook accounts and had liked a few photos, one woman in particular posing in fishnets, high heels, tight skirt, that kind of thing. I discussed it with him and it got quite heated and he made loads of excuses, but it struck me that he must have a sex drive, just not for me. Or he preferred masturbation.

I eventually let it go, he asked if we could try again.... it's been a couple of months and now it's all niggling me again...... yesterday we were talking about sleep routines, sleep hygiene, REM sleep, dreaming.... and he commented that "dreaming is such a strange thing, he never knows what he'll be dreaming about tonight, last night was some woman, tonight who knows..."

It's got my heckles up again ... I realise the masturbation and no sex is actually still a huge issue for me,,,, and will never go away. I've just spent the evening with a very good female friend who advised me on how to approach it... or that I should possibly even let it go...

On the one hand I feel I'm overreacting, on the other I think why on earth say that to me? I wouldn't say "oh I was dreaming about some random bloke last night, wonder what it will be tonight"....

I must add that my previous relationship was quite abusive and manipulative and he did and said many things to harm my self-esteem, and my friend also pointed out that this could be baggage getting triggered. Is he just being a typical male klutz with foot in mouth? Is he trying to make me feel bad about myself by making sure I know he dreams of other woman whilst failing to please me sexually? Does he want me to feel insecure because he's much older...... does he want to hurt me?

I didn't respond immediately when he said it as he had to leave for work and have not seen him since. But I know I have to bring it up otherwise it's going to fester and that's not a good place to be.... Help..

You have some great advice on this thread. You really have.

I am posting to say DO NOT feel guilty about wanting to improve the dynamics of the intimacy in your relationship. I don’t know why we women do this. There is nothing wrong with wanting fulfilment in that area of your life. It is like we women subconsciously short change ourselves.

You sound kind, thoughtful. You seem otherwise compatible.

Have the conversation as honestly as you can, hear from him and then decide what to do next.

He does, yes, very much. Gets tired quite quickly though. That could be his age too I suppose.

Thanks for your perspective. See this is my feeling, that he does have sex, just not with me. I mean some of the women he looks like are in their forties, he's definitely not seeking super young women or anything that looks illegal, thank goodness. It feels as if we are having separate sex lives in a way. Yes, I'm not included.

I know living with him would be absolutely the wrong thing to do when I still have these doubts.

He didn't say it was sexual, but the fact that he felt the need to say it seemed hurtful.

It's not going to get better. You're only 18months in and already ended it and having doubts, while he's hoping to move in together. The ED would be less of an issue if it was a long-term relationship with a much stronger foundation and a fuller sex life in the past, but I don't see why you'd tie yourself to a much older man who you've never - and probably will never - have penetrative sex with, plus all the attendant insecurities.

I don't think the masturbation, dreams, fancying other women are things that should be over-thought. We all fancy a range people beyond out life partners and the idea we'd only ever get turned on by thinking of each other, esp when we're past our peak, is pretty unrealistic. The problem is more that he doesn't deliver what you need from a romantic relationship and is basically incapable of it. I don't know why you'd compromise on that now when you're still relatively young. He could be a friend and you could find someone much more compatible and he could wank away to his heart's content, including about you probably!

So no, you're not overreacting by rethinking the relationship. You ended it once and here you are again. Don't stick it out and find yourself with him moved in and making you feel shit in bed while he chugs away in the en suite until the caring era kicks in. Set yourself free and hold out for someone more satisfying.

OK, given your partners age, there's a good chance his issue is physical, rather than psychological, which mine mostly is. So the below may not be entirely relevant, but it might give you an idea of whats going through his head.

So for me, what happens is that everything will be absolutely fine for a few years, and then one night I'll be stressed, or tired, or had a few too many beers, and suddenly I just can't perform. Generally I'll get an erection, and then it'll disappear right at the wrong moment. And then thats it, I'm stuck in a loop of my own making.

We'll start having sex, all is going well, and then a little insidious voice will go "Remember what happened last time", and suddenly all I can think is "Shit, am I fine, is it going down" and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. And then the next time I remember the last time, and so on and so on and so on.

And once that erection has disappeared for the night, its gone. No amount of coaxing is going to bring it back. Now once upon a time that would have been the end of the session, I'd be too embarrassed, wouldn't want to carry on. After all, it's the most basic purpose of being a man, and I can't even do that properly. (Obviously I know in reality that's a stupid way to think, the most basic purpose of being a man is being able to open difficult jar lids).

As I've got older, I've developed more of a fuck it attitude. Just because one stupid body part has a life of its own, doesn't mean we can't still have fun, and I really enjoy getting DP off, so we're fine. And luckily for me DP doesn't take it personally, and never has in the 18 years we've been together. I had previous girlfriends who weren't so kind.

But I still don't really want DP touching my penis at that point. And I don't really want to masturbate myself at that point either. Because it is still embarrassing, and there's nothing sexy about a bloke tugging on his flaccid dick. I'm unlikely to be able to orgasm at that point anyway, because I am feeling embarrassed, and inadequate.

So we focus on DP, and then go to sleep, and if I can't sleep because I'm still horny, then I'll sneak off to the bathroom and sort myself out.

You mention as well that he's pretty much guaranteed to lose his erection if you're masturbating him, that's a real danger zone for me as well. If we're both getting each other off, or having penetrative sex, then I have something to focus on. My mind is on what I'm doing. On the other hand if DP is giving me a blowjob, then I'm just lying back. And to start with, I'm enjoying myself. But there's nothing in my mind to crowd out the little "Remember last time...?"

Yes, again, that's exactly how I felt. Why feel the need to tell me that... tone deaf or trying to make me feel bad? Given our issues in the bedroom, why on earth do that? To make it worse, I had only just told him that I had an erotic dream about HIM....... I'm starting to wonder if there aren't signs of covert abuser about him.... that he's playing Mr Nice Guy, helpful, kind, loving.... until he gets me living with him... my ex triangulated me regularly with others deliberately to make me feel less than.

I just don't understand how it can feel so good and safe and warm when he hugs me. Unless I am completely deluded and need to take rose coloured spectacles off.

Because that ls what hugs do!

I'd feel the same as you.

Thank you so very much again for your insight.

Can I be personal and ask then, do you need to use porn or other online media to masturbate after pleasuring your wife?

Maybe the effort of being a decent lover is too much for him so ED= good cop out..
Unless he himself fancies wanking over random women on social media. Then he doesn't have ED.
I'd be gone. Find a man who wants you in every way.
He is actually using you don't you think?

and he didn’t say the dream about the woman was sexual.

He didn't explicitly say it but that's the implication.

I had a dream about my close male colleague last year. I dreamt we were both in the FBI 😁

When I told my partner, I told him I dreamt that X and I were in the FBI because just saying I'd dreamt about him would have implied a sex dream.

Maybe you're right. He's using me. He isn't attracted to me, he doesn't actually have ED and quite possibly gets a full erection for online women.

I'm starting to think I should have stayed gone. He wanted to try again, he approached me and asked if we could talk, have a drink. I'm tired of feeling like this, it feels as if a huge element of an intimate connection is basically missing and I feel needy, sometimes empty, craving it, craving that ultimate closeness and I will never have it. And then I will end up his carer... and whilst that would be OK if we had years and years together already and a history, it feels on some massive level that I'm settling for a life where I will never be totally fulfilled. And that does matter. It really does.

For all his (apparent?) kindness, helpfulness, intelligence, warmth, humour, I would not have posted on here if I wasn't having huge doubts.

Sort of.

I'm aphantasic, which means I can't picture anything at all in my mind. Not so much a problem when I was a teenager or in my 20's, but in the last decade or so I need a bit of mental stimulus as well as physical, and my minds eye just isn't up to the job.

I used to watch porn, but one too many threads about it on here put me off it, and I haven't watched it in about 3 years. These days the only porn I watch is stuff me and DP made together. So while I'm technically getting off to a younger woman (we made it about 15 years ago), it is at least still DP!

More often though I'll end up reading something off'f Literotica. No, I can't picture it but the descriptions are enough to do the job. I'll occasionally browse the lingerie section on Lovehoney or something as well.

The whole situation sounds really quite degrading and horrible for you. You can do better than this OP honestly. Too tired to focus on your pleasure? But enough energy to wank away on Instagram. Yuck.

I think I'm done.

My gut is screaming at me. I'm going to end it, go and get my things from his house this week. You know I don't even think he'll be all that bothered.

Last time I ended it, I was determined that there was no way forward through this. I knew deep down that I was settling. The poster just up above has given me a HUGE a-ha moment. Too tired to pleasure me for very long, his arm gets tired, but enough energy to masturbate. THANK YOU.

I don't know why or how I ever I thought that this would ever be good enough for me. It's the first relationship I've got into since I broke up with the abusive ex in 2022, bar a couple of pointless encounters. It's taught me a lot about myself though. I won't settle again.

im sorry I think you’re an ego boost, he knows your attracted to him and younger so he wonders what other women are thinking the same. His lack of attention or interest in the bedroom says he’s getting nothing out of it. Masturbating to face book is utterly grim. Like utter utter grimness. Immediate ick.

hes knocking on 70. It is not going to get any better. He will stop making the effort if you move in, him wanking off to women in 40s is the same as you perving on men in their 20s.

i don’t know how at your age, and im mid fifties, you can be with a man this age, who you can’t have sex with and who wanks off to dated sexualised images on face book. I couldn’t do it.

No penetrative sex for 18 months and none for the foreseeable? He’s got health problems and is older but wants to move in with you? And the cherry on top is that he CAN orgasm by self means.

Run don’t walk.

Good luck Op. there is better out there for you. Better in fact to be alone than deal with this nonsense.

Op does he have any of these issues, as past this the only real reason viagra doesn’t work is if he doesn’t actually feel aroused. :

Underlying health issues: POORLY managed conditions—such as diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, or high cholesterol—can damage blood vessels and nerves. has he had these issues to an extent his blood vessels and nerves will be badly damage?
Low testosterone: If your testosterone levels are too low, Viagra may not work optimally. has he had this checked?
Nerve damage: Men who have had pelvic surgeries (such as prostate procedures) may experience permanent nerve damage that makes PDE5 inhibitors less effective

is he taking too low a dose? Viagra only works if your mind is turned on. The desire needs to be there in tne first place.

I'm glad you're ending it.

It seems a waste to stick with someone who isn't really trying to meet you halfway and who will cut you down for his own ego.

Some good advice above especially that as he is a new partner, why should you settle for this when you haven't had many previous years and history of a real relationship and could therefore accept this decline. I think you seem a good, thoughtful person and it is okay to look out for yourself.

Musing aloud about who else might fancy him after receiving the ego boost of you fancying him? That would have given me the incurable ick.

I'm glad you're going to end things, he sounds grim.

I’m curious about the feeling safe thing op, there is another thread from a woman who is submissive in her relationship, she says it makes her feel safe. She was also in an abusive relationship.

i see it quite often as a justification for staying with these losers, almost a new trend, I think the question is why do you feel unsafe without him? What can you do to make yourself feel safe. Have you had therapy.

I was abused as a child, and I don’t understand the concept of needing a man to make me feel safe. And I think if I went through life feeling unsafe without a man, I’d seek help to get to the bottom of it. As fundamentally it’s never said about the good ones, it’s always said about the losers who undermine your self esteem.

Just because he’s good company doesn’t mean it’s okay.
He gets a considerably younger partner, he keeps his own home, shared company, benefit with intimacy, gets to look at porn and masturbate when he wants.
No wonder he came knocking twice.
I think if he had ED and that was it, even that would be tough. But the porn is just grim.
You deserve far far better.

You deserve more. Not just sex itself but all this bs about ED. He doesn't have ED. He's lying. It all sounds very grubby to me. Get out