Husband booked lads' holiday over daughter's birthday festival weekend

[JDIMum]

Looking for some advice please. My daughter age 8 is a huge Nathan Evans fan - Scottish singer for those of you not familiar. He is playing at a family festival in Edinburgh in August. Friends of ours are going with their children and making a weekend of it so we (my husband & our 3 kids age 11,8,6)thought we’d book to go as part of my daughter’s 9th birthday. Tickets were bought in January, accommodation sorted & paid for - we are staying at glamping pods where our friends are too.
Now my husband goes away with his friends once a year - they have a betting club together and they bet on the football each week - any wins they get the money goes in the pot for the holiday. At the weekend there my husband said they’d booked their betting club holiday. Fly on 19th August & back on 23rd. Straight away I said the festival is 21st-23rd???? Now my husband is super forgetful like really bad he never remembers dates for anything so has clearly forgot this was booked. I am absolutely fuming. I would never book a holiday without running dates past him - not to get his permission but just to let him know! First he’s mentioned it was the weekend & apparently it’s been booked for a few weeks???? Wtf? I said to him if he’d mentioned the dates I could have reminded him about the festival. I’ve since not spoken to him in 2 days. I’m so annoyed. He turned it back on me saying ‘I clearly don’t want him to go away with his friends & it’s always an issue’. I can assure you it’s never an issue!!!! I think it’s important for us both to go away with friends. We’ve been together 22 years & married for 12 I’ve never ever grudged him a boys holiday but I’m raging! I want him to either cancel his place or come back on the Friday night/Sat morning so he can still come with us! Am I being unreasonable????

Just sounds like another crap husband and father to me.

Or it teaches your daughter that you accept crappy behaviour from men.

I get what you’re saying, but a missed birthday isn’t the actual ‘crime’ without the context. Actively cancelling on the birthday in order to go on holiday with the ‘lads’ is.

I don’t know why your dad missed your birthday that time or if it was for legitimate reasons or not, and I agree if your mother were to keep criticising him in front of you without actually standing up for herself, then that’s problematic.

But all of this is starting to sound like blaming the woman for the emotional fallout of a man’s actions that caused it in the first place.

This is a reasonably common attitude from women and it shows how really really they have been socialised/indoctrinated to prioritise men’s needs and how they are going to show to their daughters that they must do so too. This Dad is not just prioritising his want’s over his wife’s it is over his daughters too.

Nope, never said that ("Are you seriously saying you would leave your partner to manage 3 young children at a festival, cancel on the festival friends (giving a very different dynamic to the event), and let down your Dd on her birthday event, for a lads/gals boozy break that you’d stupidly booked afterwards?"). I said given the choice, I would prefer a weekend away with the girlfriends. I think a lot of people would love a weekend away with friends (to have some me time). Hopefully the DH is able to move the guy's weekend to a different weekend so he can attend both.

“You are alloweed to feel some sort of way around this and your husband is allowed to feel a completely different way. Now you have to work put how you as a family will react and behave around it.”

How should the husband feel about it? I’m confused, he is in no position to be feeling upset? He’s the one that has caused the problem and is off on a jolly, leaving the hard work to the OP.

Dismissing it as him being forgetful is minimising the problem. An adult who is aware they have a tendency to “forget” can and should put in place strategies to avoid clashes. These can be as simple as checking a calendar or asking if they have plans before booking. The fact he hasn’t is selfishness. What adults plan a lads holiday in summer school break anyway.

The family trip is not the DD's birthday. Her birthday is three weeks before. The trip (to see her favourite singer) is her birthday present. The Dad will be there on her birthday to celebrate her actual birthday.

If they live in Scotland schools are likely back at school

Agreed. They are working from two completely different agendas.They are not both equally valid agendas, one is hopelessly entitled and selfish.

There has been this weird thing over the last while about everyone’s feelings being valid, it is similar to the all cultures are equal bullshit.

Nope if someone is being an entitled fecker then his feelings are not valid anymore than cultures that abuse and denigrate women and refuse education to little girls are valid.

My ex has his sons birthday tattooed on his forearm apparently I still should have reminded him the year he turned 10

I didn’t say it was. I was responding to that poster’s specific point surrounding a birthday incident.

The actual birthday and the birthday celebration event is synonymous as this point anyway.

It’s not just some concert, it’s a family weekend away. His kids are probably really looking forward to it.

I’m always amazed at the low standards some mumsnetters are willing to put up with.

Does he like Nathan Evans and glamping?
Does he enjoy being with your extended family?
if the answer is no , do you think he has done it deliberately?

But he won’t be there to ‘help’ with the work of looking after the three dc, which was booked several months in advance.

Ignore the cool girls op. Most wives would be similarly enraged and fuming. As far as I’d be concerned he’d have to cancel his boys trip ‘sorry lads didn’t realise there was a diary clash this year…’ and that’s it.

There would serious consequences for our relationship if he didn’t and he could go fuck himself with all the defensive guilt tripping bollocks - that wouldn't wash with me. Family comes first.

YANBU I would be raging too. He should cancel of his own accord.

If he doesn’t, I would lose all respect for him, and where does that leave you?

Good grief. Som of these replies! OP, you're not unreasonable to be furious and frustrated, but I think you are being unreasonable about thinking you can change the situation now. If he himself decides to stay that's one thing, but it doesn't sound likely - and if you somehow force him to stay that will create a horrible atmosphere for everyone.

Is it fair? No. Has he behaved selfishly? Yes, but you really going to divorce him over it, as many on here have predictably advised? You can, of course - but that's a huge upheaval and expense to alter you and your children's lives forever. If not, then you need to find some way to navigate not just the weekend but the ill feeling you have.

I get you Op. I have 3 children and it would have been very tough taking them to a festival solo at that age. Does him not going affect your travel at all? Will he have taken the car you need or something? I also think it affect the friends as they will be needing to help you more. Realistically can you still go? Can you take another adult?
My husband used to double book everything. I had a wall planner on wall in utility and the rule was if it was already booked it was the person who double bookeds role to sort it out. Meant he had to find numerous babysitters over the years as he kept double booking. He has never double booked something major like this.
I think you are right he needs to cone back early but he will need to see that fir himself to be honest and stop blaming you. Good luck x

Wife points for being cool🤢
I cant even, how utterly grim

As usual. Making the woman’s reaction to a man’s shitty actions the problem.

Keep the peace, don’t make an atmosphere, don’t blow up the family.

Sad.

Didimum, I was referring to your comment "a missed birthday isn’t the actual ‘crime’ ... Actively cancelling on the birthday in order to go on holiday with the ‘lads’ is". I assumed you were referring to the OP's husband.

I agree. The idea of glamping and a pop concert over a lads weekend helped him 'forget'

The situation can change now. He should cancel and be a grown up and enjoy the trip he’d originally planned with his family. If he’s creating a resentful atmosphere (him creating it - not her), that says more about his view of their marriage than her. Why is all the guilt and emphasis on her keeping the peace and ‘not making a fuss’ rather than him doing the right thing?

No, I was referring to that poster’s point about missing birthdays.

Still, birthday/birthday event – doesn’t matter at this point.

These responses cannot be for real. I think some people like being contrary especially as on here everyone is always going on about keeping commitments.

Family holiday booked first, children have been told, he already made a commitment and plans were made based on that. He has to honour it end of story.

I am someone who values time away and me and my husband both prioritise it. This would be a no brainer for both of us, lads trip is cancelled. Already the cutting short is a generous compromise and I wouldn't be having all the pre planning and organising down to me.