Husband booked lads' holiday over daughter's birthday festival weekend

[JDIMum]

Looking for some advice please. My daughter age 8 is a huge Nathan Evans fan - Scottish singer for those of you not familiar. He is playing at a family festival in Edinburgh in August. Friends of ours are going with their children and making a weekend of it so we (my husband & our 3 kids age 11,8,6)thought we’d book to go as part of my daughter’s 9th birthday. Tickets were bought in January, accommodation sorted & paid for - we are staying at glamping pods where our friends are too.
Now my husband goes away with his friends once a year - they have a betting club together and they bet on the football each week - any wins they get the money goes in the pot for the holiday. At the weekend there my husband said they’d booked their betting club holiday. Fly on 19th August & back on 23rd. Straight away I said the festival is 21st-23rd???? Now my husband is super forgetful like really bad he never remembers dates for anything so has clearly forgot this was booked. I am absolutely fuming. I would never book a holiday without running dates past him - not to get his permission but just to let him know! First he’s mentioned it was the weekend & apparently it’s been booked for a few weeks???? Wtf? I said to him if he’d mentioned the dates I could have reminded him about the festival. I’ve since not spoken to him in 2 days. I’m so annoyed. He turned it back on me saying ‘I clearly don’t want him to go away with his friends & it’s always an issue’. I can assure you it’s never an issue!!!! I think it’s important for us both to go away with friends. We’ve been together 22 years & married for 12 I’ve never ever grudged him a boys holiday but I’m raging! I want him to either cancel his place or come back on the Friday night/Sat morning so he can still come with us! Am I being unreasonable????

You are right - this is not about it being a lads weekend - it is about the fact that he made a prior commitment to you and the kids and he had effed up by double booking. Any normal adult would accept they cocked up and cancel the second booking, whatever it was.

That he is compounding this by choosing his mates over his child (not even you) is fucking despicable. He has 51 other weeks of the year when he can go with his mates. If he can’t tell them for fear of losing face, then they aren’t real friends either. Yes, I am in the camp that he cancels or I’d reevaluate the relationship too. He needs to pull his bigboy pants up and tell his mates he cannot go - and if he sulks/makes you pay for it with passive agreesion, then it is also relationship reevaluation time.

For context - my DH has two or three boys weekends a year too. Has done since before we had kids. Group of mates he’s known since 11 and first job after uni. They - each and every one of them - have had clashes between the group-agreed dates and family commitments at least a couple of times in 30 years. They accept they cannot go that time and the group tries to make sure their availability is prioritised the next year. It’s not hard. It’s family life and being a grown up. Real friends get it.

If I was one of the friends due to go away with the OP to this festival I'd also be really mad. They aren't going to let her struggle with 3 kids on her own, so they will end up taking on some of the responsibility for the children and ensuring the OP isn't lonely etc. It changes their holiday too. And the message it sends them as friends is shocking.

This is definitely a hill I'd die on!

This is such a wild take. Are you forgetting the part where he booked it without discussing it with OP?! If he really wanted to go and it clashed then he should sit down with OP and explain that and ask if it’s ok for him to go given they already had family plans booked and paid for for that weekend! Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot and the OP turned around and said actually
you're taking our DC to this festival I’m off
on a girls weekend- as if that would fly!

He could have explained to his lad friends that weekend wasn’t available for him, I’m sure they discussed multiple dates. It’s really
not ok for him to plough ahead with his own plans with no discussion with his parter
and I’m so surprised at anyone thinking this is an appropriate way to operate as a parent and husband with family
obligations. Because it’s not.

Unfortunately you are married to a selfish prick. As he already had plans for that weekend, he should cancel the holiday with his friends. The fact if won’t shows you exactly how he feels about his family.

Once all this is resolved you need to set up a family planner/ calender thing, that way there's no opertunity for confusion.

I think he knew fine his lads holiday clashed with the festival. He thought, I'd rather go on that. JDI can still take the kids to Edinburgh without me. I'll pretend I forgot and it'll all be fine.
So you know...rather slimy and self-serving of him. He's being defensive because he knew this would upset you. He's trying to avoid accountability by making it your problem. He's a wanker to do that. It's a low move.

There's no point in insisting he comes back. You'll just have a miserable, knackered, resentful husband who has been forced into participating...and who needs that? At this stage you'll have a happier time without him. The prick.

His holiday has been booked for a few weeks before he even mentioned it and he’s saying you’re the problem for causing an issue?
Yeah, he knew it was the festival dates and booked it anyway because he wants to go on the lads holiday more than he wants to go for his daughter’s birthday.

I would be massively pissed off OP for multiple reasons; not checking the dates, forgetting something pretty massive like his daughters birthday trip and now gaslighting you when he’s completely in the wrong.

I also agree that taking 3 kids to a festival without a supporting adult is no mean feat, even if there’s another family there.

I like the message from a previous poster and suggest that you send that to them, let me realise the impact. I’m not sure what I’d do going forward tbh, I’m pretty bitter and would find this incredibly hard to forgive and forget.

Also side note, it still baffles me the amount of grown adults who seem incapable of using a calendar to keep track of important dates/plans. I’ve also been on the receiving end of people ‘forgetting plans’ but I’m the type of person who puts something in the family iPhone calendar and will stick to those plans even if I get a better offer.

I think the crux of it is that your husband appears to have the luxury of asking you as his personal assistant when/ where and what he is doing. Why is he not responsible enough to manage his time like you have to?
It appears he has a history of forgetting things - don't facilitate him by giving him the luxury of asking and checking with you. He's a grown man and it's another person for you to organise.
He's clearly messed up as he is incapable of organising his own time. It's up to him to solve the issue now and make the correct decision but it will happen again unless he takes responsibility.

I agree with you @JDIMum he has made a family commitment. I would be very unhappy if he sacked his family off for the trip.

A shared Google calendar for family stuff has been transformational for us. We are all nuerodivergent and had frequent clashes until we set it up.

See I always think women would always cancel, or at least rush back, but I don’t believe any man would, they’ll just say they’d make it up to them. I’d be fuming too but it’s done so I don’t think there’s much that can be done and I don’t think your daughter would want ye arguing over it

Are the dates in a family calendar, OP? Does he have a calendar app on his phone? I would have a "terrible memory" and double book myself if I didn't use these tools to help me. Not to do so is weaponised incompetence on his part, not poor memory or organisation.

Seriously?! She’s not said he can’t do his lads holiday. Just not when they have already booked and paid for a festival for their family, for their daughter’s birthday which she is extremely excited about, with another group of friends. Are you seriously saying you would leave your partner to manage 3 young children at a festival, cancel on the festival friends (giving a very different dynamic to the event), and let down your Dd on her birthday event, for a lads/gals boozy break that you’d stupidly booked afterwards?

OP, I’d be absolutely livid and if he picked his holiday over coming home early to be at the festival, I would absolutely be reevaluating the whole relationship. And the fact he’s not apologised and has turned this around as you not wanting him to have his holiday is awful. What a selfish prick he is. I really hope he realises what an arse he’s being and makes the right choice.

My partner is also terrible with his diary and often has to check things with me a million times/double books himself. But he always says “ah shit, forgot we had that on, will cancel other plans”.

I would say no more, leave it to him to make his decision. You will be fine on your own with three kids, and you’ve got friends there for extra pair of hands / eyes. I’ve taken younger kids solo all over the world and to festivals.

However, the decision he makes would impact how I felt about deciding if I wanted to stay with him, I don’t think I would after that.

I suspect he did not forget at all, he just preferred the lads holiday and turning round on you rather than owning it is a very shitty thing to do.

Very dramatic. It really isn’t. You said he’s otherwise a good and present dad. He made a mistake. Is it really worth the drama

While I think your partner has been an idiot and he needs to be working on a solution. I am massively uncomfortable with you giving him the silent treatment for days. You say your children are your world. You are their rolemodel for how relationships work and right now you are teaching them unhealthy and destructive relationship techniques.

Set time aside to discuss this. Agree not to guilt each other and come from an "I" statement. So dont tell him
"You are so forgetful you never think about the family"
Instead say to him something like
"I feel frustrated when you dont check the calender prior to booking this lads time off".

Dont allow him to say "you dont want me to go. Or you always" state calmly "we are discussing this without assuming we know what the other is feeling so please rephrase this from your point of view".

You are allowed to be irritated and annoyed however crying for days while not talking to your husband wont resolve this and it wont make you have a close relationship and it wont show your children how to create healthy adult relationship.

You are alloweed to feel some sort of way around this and your husband is allowed to feel a completely different way. Now you have to work put how you as a family will react and behave around it.

This is completely not the point and your husband is bang out of order here, but myself and my partner use Family Wall as a shared calendar app. He was always horrific for remembering anything and I’d always get texts saying “are we busy this day?” and since using this it’s been so much better as we can both check and add stuff. Then there’s literally no excuse for something like this!

So he's not even missing her actual birthday?! Just some concert he's probably not arsed about? You are seriously overreacting, poor guy.

I am never surprised at the amount of men who do this. Where I live the team I support were in a really important final a few weeks ago and just within the families I know there were a few holy communions booked, a few family birthdays and multiple husbands bogged off to the final.
Not one stayed. And the ‘women’ were left to get on with it. Turning up at churches with just one parent on a really important day. Months of prep, new outfits, parties booked… dad’s gone the match.
I grew up with it - different city, different team.
This situation OP is in is infuriating. I don’t care if he’s a good dad the rest of the time. He’s not being one now. All he had to say was lads I’ve a holiday booked with the family. End of.
He knew when the holiday was booked for and booked the other trip. That’s it.

The double booking in itself isn’t actually the issue, it does happen. But even as small children, we are taught that it is common decency to honour the original arrangement and cancel the subsequent agreement. The fact that he won’t do this for his own family and kids is really shitty. Some people might consider this an over reaction, but I would really consider leaving someone over this!

Missing the point completely, aren’t you? He made a commitment to his child/family. He ignored that commitment because something he’d like to do better came along. Doesn’t matter whether he is ‘arsed’ about the concert or that it is ‘for’ rather than ‘on’ his DC’s birthday - he booked, paid and committed to going. He’s not a poor guy - he a selfish and immature one who is letting his family down and being extremely hurtful because he is basically communicating that his mates and his own needs are more important than his family. His child has to take on board the fact that dad doesn’t care enough about them to prioritise them or honour his prior commitment.

No over-reaction at all to be majorly pissed off.

I’ve read the op and majority of replies so just throwing my voice in .
I’ve had this over the years with DH arranging stuff that clashes and it has caused a problem between us where I lost respect for him . It was beyond forgivable to me and I hated the feeling that I was single parenting when I wasn’t officially single .
He was selfish while I was the consistent parent .
im sure our children did know at times when I was upset and as they’ve got older I’ve told them that I’ve felt his friend priority was not ok with me . But after the heat died down and the excuses stopped things did change . Now our eldest is an adult and living at home but making her own plans . This year she has booked to go away when we were planning a family break and he’s gutted she’s not coming TBF she’s not happy either but it’s her choice and he has a taste of how his behaviour has felt to others .
When the heat dies look at his general behaviour . And if he’s otherwise a present dad then I would let this slide , yes ask him to cut the holiday short but expect him to not . For me the insult is him not accepting he’s Fu and turning it into a controlling issue . That’s an insult and not ok at all .

We started using a family organiser calendar , the online one wasn’t working . Now all dates are put in wall calendar and if it’s not on calender it’s not happening unless discussed and agreed by both of us .

This year my husband is attending his friends big birthday that means he’s not going to be here for Father’s Day but neither is our eldest daughter so we are doing something as a family a few days before .

in my experience things improved for us when he accepted his responsibilities and started compromising and considering others in his plans .
it was hard when the children were young but now I’m glad I spoke up and he was a man who listened and agreed a way forward

it will sting and if I was you I would feel humiliated but take your children away with friends , turn your phone on silent and have a nice time . I would also not defend his decision . My friends and children as they asked knew my feelings . If he’s a good father he will accept his mistake and make it up to you and not do it again , as another poster said you cannot physically stop a person from doing what they want but you can voice your opinion , expect to be listened to and respected and agree to things being different in the future .

Hard disagree, this man has made a commitment to his family and he needs to honour that. Utterly shitty of him to do anything else.

If their 8 year old is anything like mine, she would be devastated to have her father back out of her birthday plans, and it’s not fair on the OP either.

You must be an extremely flakey person irl if you think this is just fine.

1, you need a joint online diary (Google do one)

2, first booking trumps new ones (emergency appointments aside)

3, he fucked up and should cancel his trip

4, everything going in the diary going forward