Husband leaving me. I know I've got to work through the pain - but how long does it take? Stories of hope please!

[ALittleBitAhAh]

My husband has stunned me by saying he's unhappy, we've changed etc etc. There's a lot going on for him and I'm wondering if he's pushing me away (confident it isn't another woman - don't want to focus too much om the sctual circumstances here) but regardless here we are and he's moving out. Calling it a separation for now. I can't eat, sleep and I've cried at work which is embarrassing. I know i'll get through but how can I help myself? And how long until it doesn't hurt my heart constantly 💔 Thank you.

You need to stop giving him so much access to you, he’s using you for the parts that serve him and rejecting all the others, I told my husband that if he doesn’t want all of me, he gets nothing at all. I went no contact, our dc are older so he contacted them directly, I was not involved. If I we absolutely had to, contact was very short and to the point, no pleasantries I know this caused him to miss me, but that wasn’t the point of it, it was to save my sanity. I had no expectations or hopes, which ultimately made things so much easier, I wasn’t hanging in a hook. With my husband, there was another woman, so it was easy to think “he doesn’t get access to the best of me, if he’s giving the best of him to someone else”, but the principle is the same even if there was no other woman. Your husband is not giving you the best of himself, so he gets no access to the best of you. it will free you from overanalysing your own words and actions and will allow you to make better decisions.

I’m 11 weeks in to my husband saying he wanted to end our marriage and it’s been an absolute rollercoaster. Over the last month or so I’ve definitely had more good days than bad, but he’s moving out on Saturday and it’s hit me like a tonne of bricks again, watching him pack up half of our things.

We have 4 young kids together so not exactly the same situation as yours but not having kids with someone doesn’t make it any less painful. I have a thread on here posting about my own experience and it shows my feelings throughout from how I was then to now, it might be helpful. Sending you lots of love and strength xx

Yup. It’s someone from work. Of course he was upset telling you, he’s about to be fucking exposed and that’s all he cares about. He’s crying because his family and your family are going to have to be told he’s leaving you.

Stop giving him total access to you and your space and get a solicitor. He’s free at the moment to pursue his dalliance with the woman from work and still keep his home comforts!

In my experience of MN, folks jump to the 'other woman' theory instantly and vehemently. I suspect there is some projection going on from their own experience, but whatever it is, it is a very simplistic reaction, in my view. Ofcourse there could be another woman but focusing on that is unhelpful because it avoids any serious introspection/analysis of the relationship and displaces any self-work to effect meaningful change. You don't tell us what went wrong, and that's your prerogative, but I'm sure things were complicated and there was plenty of grey in an 18 year relationship. Life events and other incompatibilities, can cause relationships to feel exposed and fragile. So, this is just to applaud you for not fixating on the 'other woman' theory. I left a relationship without another person in the picture, and so did my partner. In the real world shit happens, relationships end. Not everything can be readily explained by infidelity.

“Self work to effect meaningful change”? Are you AI?

Seriously, no projection here although I’ve supported numerous friends, relatives and colleagues through exactly what the OP has described and every single time, without fail, there has been another woman.

In lots of jobs where shift work is involved, infidelity is rife. Boundaries are often blurred, and eventually the hen-pecked bloke goes back to his wife and says that they’ve changed, they’ve grown apart, he’s not “happy”.

It is extremely helpful to the OP to face this as it is much more likely that he’s shagging about than it is he’s been “enlightened about a grey area” or whatever drivel that is. She can then stop begging and hoping and use this, crucial, time to get on track and not destroy herself in the process.

I think @whyohwhyisitalwayswet sounds like my Psychology colleagues rather than AI! I haven't gone into too much detail as I didn't want it to be outing. But he's not a bad guy. As much as I hate this, he isn't. I know others are right re: cutting/minimal contact to make things easier. I feel a bit pathetic that I 'need' him to help with some practical bit that were already in motion and tbh, I don't want to be spending money on having somebody else do. That will fizzle out in due course. This is very new and I just wanted to hear about getting through - and I have, with lots of helpful input (and condolences and understanding which somehow feels nice). Thanks.

Nope, definitely not AI! But, I am an academic as OP correctly intuited. You might be right about infidelity. And, I wasn't addressing my comment to anyone in MN in particular. Just saying that infidelity doesn't always come out of pure chance/bad behaviour/boredom etc. It could also come from the relationship not being a happy one (not an excuse, just an explanation). I was in a sexless, cold wasteland of a relationship for years. I did not cheat, but if I had, and the relationship had ended, it wouldn't have been the whole explanation, and in fact the infidelity would only have been the symptom not the cause. That's all. Anyway, glad you've been able to help your friends/family get through difficult relationship breakdowns. You obviously have empathy and compassion.

Don’t know if that’s backhanded or not but whatever 😂

Yes, infidelity is complicated and OP, he doesn’t have to be a “bad guy” to be a cheat. It’s highly likely that he has though, and ignoring that isn’t helpful in the slightest. You will get through this.

All of that said, him crying is going to be for himself. At this moment in time you have an opportunity to get what you want and need from the inevitable divorce. While he is still worrying about how he appears to others and needing to keep his “good guy” status in tact, you should be negotiating your terms.

You say you want to buy him out but that he will need to be generous for that to happen. The window for that generosity is open now, but if you do not act it will slam shut when he realises that his family will continue to support him, probably even excuse him, and will get used to the likely new woman on the scene very quickly.

It’s so obvious that you are clinging to things you “need” him for. Odd jobs and reactive dogs? You can pay for help with those things once you have worked on an agreement to buy him out.

p.s. not backhanded at all. It's always nice to have friends who care!

And, I agree, OP, do keep contact to a minimum, and the window for generosity is right at the start. There are stages to the grief of a relationship ending. If he is anything like my ex, once you put boundaries in place, he will morph into a prick!

There’s always, always a woman. Every single bloody time.

OP I am so sorry. You speak all about his wants and needs. What about your own? Were you truly satisfied in this marriage? Could you happily be back together if this is just a blip?

I honestly think you need to prioritise yourself now. And go see a solicitor PLEASE. Don’t wait around for him to call all the shots.

I'm so sorry, this is shit, and what will help is putting yourself first, consistently, and time.

Meanwhile, I would unpin all your hopes from getting back together. He has literally left you, he's moved out, he's ended it. After such a long time, that's presumably not come out of the blue for him, he's thought it through a great deal. This isn't something he can self help him back into and if you could, would you want to be with someone that would leave you and then come back without any proper explanation? Yes you've changed as a couple, that's what happens over time.

Do you know what is even more excrutiating than being left? Being left in limbo. Humans do not thrive in uncertaintly, so do yourself a favour and make his mind up for him so you can move on. See a solicitor, find out where you stand and push things through so you can get off the hook he's hung you on.

I am taking this all on board. I would take him back if he has counselling to work through some of the issues that I believe may have driven him to blowing up his world. And that I can then believe it's what he really wants of course. As hurtful as this is, I don't ultimately want somebody who doesn't want me. Equally, I realise I'll have to put myself first and pick my time re: doing that and just getting on with things. Thank you all. I'll come back in a few months time with an update, as I know I like to hear how things go when I have added to a thread or spent time following it.

I think the fact that he's left you means you can immediately believe that's what he really wants. I'm sorry if this sounds brutal, but he's very likely to have a different perspective of what he's done. He may not feel like he's blown up his world at all. He might feel like made a decision about what he wants, and done it. You don't need to ask him to go to counselling to work that out. It's happened.

Is there any indication that he'd like to come back? If not then you're clutching at straws here, understandably as it's early days, but this isn't something I'd be considering as a possibility unless he was literally on his knees begging and showing with his behaviour consistently how much he wanted to address what had gone wrong between you, and able to articulate exactly what had gone on and what had changed for him to make him reconsider.

I wish you all the best, and hope you can more forward as peacefully as possible, and put yourself first.

Although it was me that officially ended my LTR, it was as a result of his actions showing me that I wasn't what he wanted any more and I was completely heartbroken by that realisation. I thought we were forever.

It didn't take me forever to make peace with it though. I can't say exactly how long it was but fairly quickly I was thinking more along the lines of "If he wasn't happy then it wasn't meant to be, and I deserve not to be settled for" and not crying about it any more. I hope you are able to make peace with it soon too.

OP , you will get stronger each day , but be prepared that you may take one step forward , two steps back at times . It is a bit like a bereavement , you have to go through the different stages of grief .

I think you also need to bear in mind that your DH has been thinking about this for a while and to that extent he is further ahead of you in the grief process .

I say this with upmost kindness , it may be that there won’t be a big gesture from him or he may not want to get counselling . The painful process of separation means that sometimes when people take a step back , the space allows them to realise that the relationship wasn’t working for them and they don’t want to get it back . Even if you give your everything , you alone cannot make a relationship work .
Sometimes it is the case that distance does make people realise what they are throwing away . But this is very much the exception rather than the rule .
Take this time to get your own counselling and to think about what you want . You deserve to be treated with respect and to be happy . It is not just about what your DH wants . I know it is painful and we are conditioned to wish that we could turn back the clock and everything would be fine .
Take care x

@ArabellaWeirdthank you. I think I probably am clutching at straws and that is slowly dawning on me.
Thank you @MCF86and sorry you went through that.
@2026onwardsandupI know everything you say is true.

It's very early days and I guess the worst time. I do have flashes where I realise this is it, then moments of hope too because this was so unexpected. I really try hard not to lean into the hope, and have also been trying hard not to think too much about the worst. But you are right, it's happened, he's gone. I know some think i'm making excuses to have contact, but the dog really is an issue, it's either him looking after him or I'd have to pay our dog sitter (assuming she's available) if I want to go visit my family. Plus, this is still his house and dog too even if he is the one that chose to end it. He has agreed to go and i want to keep things civil between us as we navigate a full split.

Counselling is a good idea and I will look into it ASAP for myself. Thanks all again.

@Gettingbysomehow im sending you a huge hug. When I read your post, my immediate thoughts were that the person you thought you loved , didn’t really exist. The person actually was an incredibly selfish person who lacked the emotional intelligence that you clearly have. You meant what you said and followed through on your promises- it sounds like the other person just said what you wanted to hear / what they thought was the right things to say and didn’t mean any of it.

You may not feel like you’re in a better place now but you don’t have a liar in your life anymore. So you are in a better place.
best of luck to you xxxx