Husband leaving me. I know I've got to work through the pain - but how long does it take? Stories of hope please!

[ALittleBitAhAh]

My husband has stunned me by saying he's unhappy, we've changed etc etc. There's a lot going on for him and I'm wondering if he's pushing me away (confident it isn't another woman - don't want to focus too much om the sctual circumstances here) but regardless here we are and he's moving out. Calling it a separation for now. I can't eat, sleep and I've cried at work which is embarrassing. I know i'll get through but how can I help myself? And how long until it doesn't hurt my heart constantly 💔 Thank you.

So sorry for the pain you are in. Sadly, the only thing that helps is time, and if you can afford it, therapy, to help you with coping techniques, and to get you back to a healthy place again. Hope you have a solid support system - family and friends. My friends helped tremendously on a day to day basis - even just to be responsive on the phone. What I can guarantee is that it does get better day to day. And, the less friction and contact you have with your ex, the sooner you will heal. If you don't have kids, this should be easier. In any case don't drag out the 'separation' i.e. limbo too long. Make a decision and work on it - either way. Hugs.

I felt better after about 6 months and now, 2.5 years on, I’m living my best life and am happier than he could ever have made me.

It’s horrible, it’s hard and it’s devastating but just stay strong, day by day, keep busy and focused and don’t have contact unless absolutely necessary because it prolongs the hope.

You’ll get through it 💐

I'm sorry op, I can't imagne what you're feeling. This kind of pain has to take its course. It's a type of grief. You're grieving the loss of a relationship, companionship, a life you had planned ect. It may take weeks, it may take months but just go through the motions and allow yourself as long as you need. Sending you my love

I'm so sorry OP, the only thing that helps is time - everything you're feeling is ok so don't feel bad about crying at work - you're human! Try and eat a little if you can, plain things like toast or crackers, a little sliced up fruit, rich tea biscuits etc even if it's just a nibble. If you can't sleep, just rest and listen to a podcast or audiobook. Have you got good support from friends and family? Lean on them if you can.

Once he's moved out, try and keep contact to a minimum if you can - going over old ground will only upset you and prevent you being able to move on.

Thank you all so much. I've really struggled to eat. Sleep has been pretty crap but I have a little mantra, stick a sleep relaxation thing on and get bursts of an hour or so. We don't have kids by choice so that's 'easy'. It's harder re: contact as we have a super reactive dog, who will stay with me but I will need his support to look after him so I can go visit my family (who are 5 hours away). They have been amazing but I just want to see them and get a hug. We have been together 18 years and his family is also my family. They have been amazing too. Thank you all. Glad to hear it really does get better.

Bump for the evening crowd. Only as I've slept a couple of hours off and on and now pretty wide awake!

It took a long time, 19 months for my divorce to go through, but it was a long marriage and a lot to sort. That was 7 years ago and I’m now living the dream, beautiful cottage in a beautiful place, great friends and a new amazing partner.

All I can say is hang on in there, I guess you have a solicitor? Take it a step at a time, go and see your family, it’ll be good to have a change of scenery, and support.

I'm so sorry to hear that love.That is really frustrating, and it's difficult.It is good that he's communicating with you.And for now, I would actually focus on separation.So that's either working out what a separation would do and just going through the steps mechanically, at the same time, if you're if you're open to therapy, or he is maybe suggesting that after things have kind of calmed down.But actually, one of the ways in which you can show someone that what this actually means is beginning to walk through the process, yourself, all the love and strength to you

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It is a time to grieve so access help as quick as you can. There is no rush to do anything else yet, you can set the pace you’d like things to go.
I tried to take control and applied for a divorce, thinking the quicker I got it over with the quicker I could heal, it just didn’t work anything like that. I had deadlines I couldn’t hit as I couldn’t go through documents without crying, it was just added pressure on myself.

Thank you all. No solicitor as it is a separation for now to give him time and space to work on himself. As things stand I would wait for him, but I have moments where I recognise this is probably it. I have tried to slow all my thoughts down and remember I don't need to sort everything right now. The days are easier as I have work then phone calls with family to distract me. The nights suck as i'm waking every 45 mins this evening!

Without being pessimistic I do think that it's rare for men to leave what might be a comfortable set up unless there's someone else involved, it seems a bit of a sweeping statement but I do think they 'monkey branch'. Don't be embarrassed about being upset at work, you must be feeling devastated.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. As others say it just takes time and you have to go through the motions until then .

Take care of yourself , go to the supermarket / get a delivery get nice easy things for you to eat , some nice soups / salads / some ready meals . It is important you eat and keep hydrated .

I think you have to use this time to think also what you want and not just your husband . Try to get some counselling / therapy . If you have an employee assistance programme at work , you may be able to get some through this .

Take as much support as you can get from friends and family . Can you take some leave and go and visit your family?

I understand the leaning towards thinking there is another woman but i'm as confident as I can be that isn't the case. I've eaten some strawberries today (yesterday now I guess) but will try to eat more tomorrow. I need to be mindful of money now so not sure therapy is an option. I am going to go home for the weekend not this weekend, but the one after. I can't wait for lots of hugs. Thanks again, I really appreciate the responses.

Get Some sleeping pills to help you sleep. You can’t take them every night but you need to get some sleep.

If you are struggling to eat, would drinking your calories be better? Making a protein shake or buy some Huel or something like that? You need to look after yourself and focus on that.

Look into some guided meditations or some yoga or whatever works for you maybe a game of squash or a boxing class or spinning to let some of the stress out. But you crying and not sleeping or eating isnt going to help you.

I know you're right. I have a gp appt booked, but not until the 30th. I use Huel a fair bit anyway so did really on that for a few days but trying to include some solids. I will add a Huel back in today just for the calories. The crying is hard to stop I must admit. It's not all the time, just when I actually stop and think I guess. There's only so much distraction I can manage in a day and reality creeps in! I am listening to everyone here. And ultimately know things will get better with time.

I agree with pp re sleeping pills, they’re great for this.

Also with pp re other woman. I don’t know a single man who has left without one.

Im so sorry OP. I was married for 20 years and blindsided by him just walking out and ghosting me entirely.
I had to leave the lovely home and beautiful garden Id worked so hard on. The really great life Id built for us. Note I did it he just sat there and took it all.
He left jobless to go and live in a bedsit. He'd discovered fetish and BDSM and thought he'd make a new life with these people. Surprise surprise he didnt.
Its 7 years later and I still feel angry he threw our life away for a pipe dream.
Ive had to have counselling because I feel such anguish over it all.
I worked hard to make a great life for us and cant understand why he couldnt work hard at it too. I wish I could say Im over it and living my best life but Im not.
If you are not in a good ace get counselling as early as possible. Its hard to get through it alone.

I think what you have to ask yourself is - can the reasons for his supposed unhappiness be overcome? You say he wants to work on himself. Set a time limit for this. Don't let it drag on for a year or more as you'll be wasting what's left of your life in limbo. There's also the possibility that if he returns, you'll always be on edge because you'll be worrying whether he's becoming dissatisfied again and may leave. Think about what YOU want OP.

Does your work have a “employees help line” or similar. When I was in your position I got eight free therapy sessions. Maybe HR will be able to assist.

I'm so sorry @Gettingbysomehow- that's awful. I hope things do get better for you. @SparklyGlitterballsI hope they can be overcome, but I just don't really know. I hear you re: thinking about what I want to. It's very early days so we're sorting a few bits which means a bit more contact, then will decide on a period of time where we are actually truly taking time apart. I'll just text him once weekly with my office/wfh hours so he knows when he can come walk the dog or stay if I want to go home for a few days. I will put a time limit on that so we can either try again (although my gut tells me this isn't where he will land) or properly start to move on.
@doitwithloveWork does have a wellbeing service but it is more signposting unfortunately. I've actually been on mounjaro but might stop that and use the money for therapy. Thanks again. I do keep coming back here as it's a distraction, and helpful to hear from people who have been through similar, and just have some advice. Thank you for being so kind.

I know you don’t want to talk about it, as it makes it real. But all the time you are breaking your heart over him and hoping he’ll come back, going over every word etc, he’s sending lovey dovey texts and shagging another woman. End of.

Fuck this “we’ve changed” shit, he’s the one who changed when he had his head turned. As for the dog, kennels or a sitter when you go away, no chance does he get to waltz in and out of your space because you’ve sent him your diary.

He has upended your life, 2 decades. And yes, it’s for another woman

Its always another woman. Men dont leave unless there is someone to leave for.

The line about no solicitor and giving him time etc. worries me OP. For several reasons:
An early consultation with a solicitor might help you focus on something practical and flag up early any issues that you might need to know if it becomes permanent.
Why is it about his needs? You are still married it should be your joint needs.
Sorry, but it does sound like a line from The Script.
Separation isnt necessary to work on an issue. Think about why he is saying he needs to be apart from you.

OW or not I don’t think he’s coming back and I don’t think you should be hanging around letting him decide.
See a solicitor and tell him you’ve done so be calm and factual when you speak to him.
Then start moving on with your life , can you take some leave and go and stay with your family for a little while?

I really do get the thinking about another woman, but he's at work (shifts) or home. When he's out with mates etc he keeps in contact etc. I can't get sucked into that without knowing. I wondered if he might have cheated on a night out or something but he denied it. He's upset too, and I can see he struggled to tell me, building up over a couple of weeks. There have been some big life ev3ntsxwhichvI think have made him ponder his future. The dog is super reactive so without allowing him to help i'm a bit restricted. Even if you think i'm dumb that's not a scenario I want to dwell on.

@SidebeforeselfI hear you re: solicitor's and may make some enquiries. We've only been married 5 years (together 18) and no kids so I assumed it would be fairly straightforward. I'd like to buy him out but will require him to be generous with what valuation we go with and how we split the equity so there is probably an element of that at play when i'm thinking about him. Plus the truth is I'm hoping we will work through it in my heart, even if my brain knows it's unlikely.