Partner ended engagement at 22 weeks pregnant and now will not speak

[CharlieBrown123]

I am 22 weeks pregnant and my partner broke up with me a few days ago and now won’t talk to me.

We met in December, and the pregnancy was a complete accident - when I found out I was pregnant I felt really upset as I wasn’t sure how a termination would affect me emotionally, but after talking it through with him he was really keen to support me and for us to have the baby together despite only having known each other a short time.

I was invited to move into his house and we started going to all the appointments together, he would cry at scans saying I was his forever person and he was so excited to have a family with me. He proposed and the wedding was set for the 1st July so that we’d be married before the baby came along. A couple of weeks ago he took me to Norway to meet his family and nephews who were so excited to have a new cousin.

We did sometimes argue, well it was more a case of me just randomly crying, particularly in the first trimester, but I was assured this was a normal part of pregnancy and he was generally supportive.

On Wednesday, on our morning dog walk and quite out of the blue he broke off the engagement, he then told me I had to leave the house that day. When I tried to have a conversation about how I could survive financially through maternity leave he said he would not be providing support as he would get lawyers involved to ensure he had 50/50 custody. I have barely heard from him since apart from a few messages about arranging to have my belongings delivered back to my flat.

I have sought the advice of a solicitor and now know what my rights are, and a lovely lady at universal credit helped me understand how to support myself through maternity leave so I know that from a financial and legal perspective, everything will be fine. Emotionally I am still so shocked and confused by his behaviour, and not sure how someone can go from one day saying how becoming a family is the best thing that’s ever happened to them, to the next not even wanting to know me.

Has anyone else experienced anything similar? Does pregnancy sometimes have this effect on men? I really feel like I need some answers but I know I won’t get them from him.

I agree with @Gladystheimpaler except on one point - I think the fact that your ex-partner has said that he will pursue 50/50 custody rather than support you through maternity leave is a red flag. It's in the best interest of a newborn to be with its mother most of the time for the first 6-12 months of its life, especially if you are breastfeeding. This is also the timeframe where a mother is most vulnerable financially and in other ways because they're still recovering from pregnancy and birth, often not getting enough sleep and fluctuating hormones can continue to have an impact. Your ex-partner maybe hasn't thought that through, but a decent man in this situation should still be focused on supporting you through pregnancy and the early months of your child's life. Wanting 50/50 isn't a bad thing long-term, but if brings it up again try to keep your cool and tell him that whilst you are not ruling that ever ask him in the first year how would that work both practically and financially?

‘He is a sperm doner that’s it’

I can promise you that a family court judge will not block a man from having PR unless there are off the charts reasons for keeping him out of a child’s life - do fingers crossed he doesn’t apply for PR

You can’t just use police to ‘make reports’ though.

He ended it and says he wants 50/50 if he’s going to be involved… well, ok then. That’s not a police matter, and however aggrieved someone is, you can’t just make reports about people.

Even family court aren’t going to be remotely interested in petty squabbles like that. If he applies for more rights, a phoney police report will not make a jot of difference.

Has anyone else experienced anything similar? Does pregnancy sometimes have this effect on men? I really feel like I need some answers but I know I won’t get them from him.

I suspect that one of two things happened:

1. He got cold feet. Everyone is focusing on how the OP barely knew him - well he barely knew her too - and maybe as he got to know her he realised that they were not a good match and that the whole situation was a disaster - the pregnancy, the engagement, the plan to move in together - so he ended it asap. Horrible thing to do, but they barely knew each other so not entirely surprising that this was the outcome.

OR

2. His friends and family made him think that she was trying to trap him and he believed them. The OP is a 37-year-old woman and this is possibly her only chance to have a DC and she certainly wouldn't be the first woman to have an 'Oops!' pregnancy. This man is wealthy, but the sounds of it, so on paper he's a good catch and if I was his family or one of his good friends I'm afraid I'd probably be cynically thinking that this woman, who is in the last chance saloon to meet a partner and have a baby, saw her chance and took it. I'm not saying that's what the OP did, but it's not uncommon and his reaction to her saying this: "When I tried to have a conversation about how I could survive financially through maternity leave he said he would not be providing support" makes it sound like he's fearful that she's after his money. I certainly know a wealthy bloke who was trapped in this way.

I agree. At the very least it will stop the horrific possibility of you 1 year old child having to spend half their time with a man you barely know or know to be awful. Surely that’s a good thing? I would be devastated in that position.

OP - in case you don’t know (and clearly lots is posters here don’t know) claiming child maintenance is not reliant on a man being on the birth certificate. So don’t feel you need to add him - you do not. Be prepared though for him to go to court for PR and be prepared that he will get it, if he does apply to the court for PR.

I do too

I'm sorry you've had such a shock when you are feeling quite vulnerable.
I raised a child alone from birth (until I met my now DH when that child was 7). Be concerned enough to plan meticulously but not concerned enough to be terrified, because there's no need!

My advice:
Keep him away from the baby if you can. I know he has rights etc., but your life will be easier if you don't have him complicating all the authority, decisions, patterns and sense of security that you want to establish as the primary parent.
As a single parent, you will have to forego everything except work - just accept that. You can outsource a lot of practical stuff but you can't outsource the emotional input that a child needs. Be sensitive to how much time your child needs to spend around you - it will be a lot - and your mindset must be that you give everything else up willingly, otherwise you will be resentful. Social life, gym - best to stop thinking any of that is part of a normal life for a while. The rewards of motherhood do compensate.
Don't think it's forever. You'll meet a great partner eventually, there's a time for everything, no need to hurry. Just live through the short term and have faith the future will be easier.
I know it's easy for me to say, but honestly I think it was fine in the end. Good luck, and believe in yourself.

Hi op he’s been a selfish twat if it was me I wouldn’t put him on the birth certificate and would not let him know baby is born because he’s not acting like grown up he’s acting like a teenager thinking he can run away from his problems. Op best thing is to get ready for the birth hopefully you have some family support as it’s the hardest job in the world but I certainly wouldn’t want to have 50/50 with a man who has kicked you out on the day he decides he’s changed his mind. Certainly don’t let him dictate to you. Co parenting is hard for parents who get on it will be hard with this man child.

I’ve been I a similar situation although 2 weeks before birth. My advice would be to just make sure you are living in an area that you want to stay in and that you plan your finances and childcare asap and on the basis that he won’t be involved or helping.

Don’t get dragged into any arguments with him and wait to see if he reaches out to try to have an amicable co-parenting relationship. If he wants to keep it at only contact through lawyers then let him get in with that. If he doesn’t show up to sign the birth certificate then he’ll have to go through the courts to get parental responsibility etc. If he doesn’t sign the BC and you claim CM it will not give him PR as it is only given if signed at the time of registering. 50/50 and overnights is very unlikely whilst child is a baby and especially if you are breast feeding. Tbh if he’s already going straight to no contact and lawyers then I can’t see him actually being that involved as he doesn’t sound like he’s working within the best of interests of the child.

Seeing someone for two months does not make you 'partners'. Deciding to have a baby, get married, and move in together after not much longer is madness.
Get him to pay child support, and claim Universal Credit. For God's sake make better choices in the future.

Even if a person has changed their mind about a relationship is there any reason why he would need her out of the house immediately and then ignore her? Wouldn’t another man look at that and go “ mate that’s out of order “ or do they all sit around the pub / golf club going “ you did the right thing …get her out the house pronto “. I would be so ashamed if any of my brothers or friends had behaved that way but it seems ( from the frequent threads on here) that men cannot break up a relationship without behaving like a complete areshole.

DO NOT LET HIM OFF THE CHILD MAINTENANCE!!!!!!!!!!!! He was quite happy to sleep with you wasn't he? Call his bluff with the 50/50, he wont go through with it, they never do. He still has to pay for his child!!!!!!!

Get mad love, and get even and don't even think about giving baby his last name. Just yours.

I didn’t know being a narcissist was something the police would even want to know

Why? Termination is an option if the OP chooses it. Obviously not at 22 weeks but the poster might have missed that! Why the hyperbole? Regardless of emotions, the OP also needs to take some accountability; otherwise, she risks repeating the same mistakes. It was a mistake to get pregnant by a man she barely knew, a mistake to put her house up for sale and a mistake to move in with him so quickly. Next time, she needs to exercise more caution.

Sorry OP - 2 months is so so so early to suddenly have a baby and get married - he would have been doing it for all the wrong reasons and probably realised it after that it isn’t what he wanted. I know someone in the exactly situation )they are much older and decided this is their last chance to have a baby) and they are also having the baby - alone. I hope it works out for you. Make sure he pays child support though.

I was in a long term relationship, in a good career, got pregnant at 27, unplanned - I was taking the pill, but not as assiduously as I should have been.

Decided not to terminate. Looked at useless
piece of a man I was in a relationship with. Decided to bin him, and bring up my child alone.

Years later, lovely successful DD, who has a loving step father, and we have lovely DGC.

DDs actual father is still a useless piece of a man, who is not on her birth certificate and who she does have a loose relationship with. I though never received CM, I didn’t want it. I worked, never on benefits. We are all the better because we kept him at arms length. Idiot! Him I mean!

Children are hard work and it’s harder when you have to do it alone. No point in romanticising single parent-hood.

We met in December, and the pregnancy was a complete accident - when I found out I was pregnant I felt really upset as I wasn’t sure how a termination would affect me emotionally

Right. And did you ever stop to wonder how something like this happening might affect you emotionally? Did you somehow think committing to having a baby with a man you barely knew was going to be less risky in the emotional rollercoaster department than a very early, very easy termination?

You took a massive punt based on flawed, sentimental logic and it hasn't paid off. Your body, your pregnancy, your choice and all that, but you were incredibly naive to expect things to work out, with a new baby arriving a mere 10 or 11 months after you met him. It might have worked, some people really are that lucky. But the odds were never stacked in your favour so there is no point feeling bewildered about it now. This was always the most likely outcome and you should not have progressed with the PG unless you were prepared for it.

I disagree with the above poster who says your ex is a grade A shit. He dealt with a less than ideal situation by trying to do the right thing, in a situation he no longer had any control over, with an outcome he had no real say in. Most men wouldn't have even pretended they were on board with it after just a couple of months of knowing you. At least he tried.

If it had been you who decided that getting married would be a mistake and you'd be better off going it alone with the baby, absolutely NO-ONE would call you a grade A shit. You'd be fully supported and respected in your decision to back out of a brief relationship that was giving you red flags, irrespective of the pregnancy. Only men are called names if they don't want to martyr themselves that way.

If what you are saying is true and the condom split then we can't even blame him for any lack of responsibility with BC, can we? Only you could decide whether or not to take the MAP, and you didn't. Only you could decide whether or not to terminate, and you didn't. So there's absolutely no point in anyone trying to heap blame on him.

He says he wants to be a very involved dad, which is great. Be thankful for that at least. The rest you'll just have to put down to experience.

Much harder to parent a child when shackled legally and financially to a useless man and having no independent accommodation of your own than to parent a child independently in your own home with your own income. Believe me, I've done both.

He wants 50/50 because then he won't have to pay you any child support. He has no intention/understanding of what 50/50 would actually involve. Pretty much impossible with a newborn anyway.

He's obviously panicked and run off - maybe he's found someone else, maybe he hasn't, but life as a single parent beckons. You'll be fine. I'm sorry he's such a dick.

Well it didn’t break in a way that I physically saw it broken, it broke in a way that it clearly hadn’t worked, the morning after pill was not an option by the time I found out or I would have taken that route no question.

Okay, didn't see this post when I mentioned taking the MAP. It's a bit weird to say the condom split when you don't know that it did. Would you have taken the MAP if you had seen it split? Honestly? My hunch is that you wouldn't, actually. It's easy to say you would, but everything else in your posts suggests you wouldn't have. Now you've said you are 37 and it might be your last chance for a child, it sounds more and more like you were secretly willing this all along. Or at least if not willing it to happen, certainly not prepared to do anything to hamper it, once it became a distinct possibility.

He sounds awful and you are lucky to be rid of him . Think of all the positives. At 37 it’s true you may have never had the chance to be a mother and you can do this on your own . I would seek legal advice asap I actually think you would be better off alone and without this man in your life or your child’s life at all if that is possible. I mean does he actually want 50/50 or is he just saying that to avoid paying anything and be nasty and punish you. Because to me he doesn’t sound like someone who could step up to the mark as a Co parent in reality .

That's very much your interpretation. She is employed, owns her own home and is in her late 30s, and thought until five minutes ago that she was going to be supported by her partner through mat leave. I don't see where the "Oh well the taxpayer will step in" interpretation is other than in your own prejudices about single mothers.

Perhaps the state ought to do a bit more to make fathers actually pay for their own children?

He can but via the courts and he still has a responsibility to pay child support. I would strongly advise her not to put him on the birth certificate as he sounds extremely controlling and even vindictive.