Partner ended engagement at 22 weeks pregnant and now will not speak

[CharlieBrown123]

I am 22 weeks pregnant and my partner broke up with me a few days ago and now won’t talk to me.

We met in December, and the pregnancy was a complete accident - when I found out I was pregnant I felt really upset as I wasn’t sure how a termination would affect me emotionally, but after talking it through with him he was really keen to support me and for us to have the baby together despite only having known each other a short time.

I was invited to move into his house and we started going to all the appointments together, he would cry at scans saying I was his forever person and he was so excited to have a family with me. He proposed and the wedding was set for the 1st July so that we’d be married before the baby came along. A couple of weeks ago he took me to Norway to meet his family and nephews who were so excited to have a new cousin.

We did sometimes argue, well it was more a case of me just randomly crying, particularly in the first trimester, but I was assured this was a normal part of pregnancy and he was generally supportive.

On Wednesday, on our morning dog walk and quite out of the blue he broke off the engagement, he then told me I had to leave the house that day. When I tried to have a conversation about how I could survive financially through maternity leave he said he would not be providing support as he would get lawyers involved to ensure he had 50/50 custody. I have barely heard from him since apart from a few messages about arranging to have my belongings delivered back to my flat.

I have sought the advice of a solicitor and now know what my rights are, and a lovely lady at universal credit helped me understand how to support myself through maternity leave so I know that from a financial and legal perspective, everything will be fine. Emotionally I am still so shocked and confused by his behaviour, and not sure how someone can go from one day saying how becoming a family is the best thing that’s ever happened to them, to the next not even wanting to know me.

Has anyone else experienced anything similar? Does pregnancy sometimes have this effect on men? I really feel like I need some answers but I know I won’t get them from him.

And women don't have any options? Like the cast iron option of not having sex with a man you don't already completely trust and have solid commitment with.

Who is suggesting the child doesn’t deserve that?
He’s only communicating via lawyers. So if he wants on the birth certificate he can manage that aspect of his child’s life & paperwork. Why should it be at OP’s expense and effort? If he doesn’t go with her, she’d have to apply to get him on. Why should she go through all that admin if it’s not important to the child’s father? Is it not enough she carries the child, unsupported, births the child (probably unsupported), and nurses it through infancy (probably unsupported). If it’s important to him, he’ll step up. Note stepping up doesn’t = marrying OP. Let’s hold fathers to the same standard we hold mothers to.

How can the OP develop a cordial relationship with someone who won’t talk to her and has already said they will fight for 50:50 custody to avoid paying support?

This does not sound like a reasonable man, she is better off keeping as much control as she can. If he is on the birth certificate, he can take the baby & refuse to give it back. If he is added later by the courts then it can be done alongside a child arrangement order. In the meantime it gives OP control of when & where he sees the child.

To be fair it could be both.

I think sometimes people need to be confronted with the uncomfortable aspects of their own actions, and this is one of those times. A baby will now immediately grow up outside of a conventional family, with a mother who is reliant on benefits to ‘support’ her decision, with an absent dad who will likely have little to do with them and need to be fought tooth and nail for maintenance.

All this could’ve been avoided if OP had planned ahead properly and got some proper contraception which is free, long lasting and highly reliable.

I don’t really believe anyone becomes pregnant completely by accident any more. Either you’re not using contraception in which case it isn’t an accident. Or you used it sporadically or negligently; such as in this case, a burst condom and no morning after pill. Using it correctly should prevent over 99% of pregnancies, this should be far rarer than it is.

Not having him on the birth certificate doesn't mean she will prevent him from knowing the child. He also can't have his name put on the birth certificate with OP permission.

Whether he is on it or not doesn't affect what CMS is paid, it does however affect his rights over the baby as it means he is given parental responsibility.

I agree they should try to establish a healthy co parenting relationship, but if OP wants the final say on decisions for her child, he needs to be kept off that certificate. I can't stress this enough.

How did you know it had broken then?

Op I have strong suspicions that you, like many people, just threw care to the wind and feel you need a ‘contraception failure’ to make the story a bit more valid.

I hope anyone reading this in the early stages of dating has a jolt and reconsiders if their contraception is adequate.

It’s is in no way a ‘large’ percentage of wages - it’s a piss-take and no where near 50% of thd actual cost of raising a child.

Absolutely this. Do not put him on the birth certificate.

Oh get off your high horse. What a horrible, spiteful comment to say about a woman who is 22 weeks pregnant and clearly distressed. Who also has autism.

Don't pretend you're trying to help others either, you're just sticking the boot in because you can.

Oh OP I’m sorry.

and it looks like sadly you are now tied to an arsehole for the next 18 years.

id take him up on his 50/50 of go even further tell him you’re more than happy for him to have the main care and see what his response is - arseholes LIKD this need the tables turning on them.

id bet my last pound that he backs down.

in reality hes likely to get 50/50 as the child gets older but in my experience what this really means is you’re expected to do all the sick child time off work, all the school events, all the school meetings if there are issues etc, last minute changes when it’s inconvenient for him, dentists, doctors, hospital appointments, clinic appointments, birthday parties, after school activities - ment like this are only interested in spending as little money as possible and looking like Disney Dad when his reputation is under scrutiny.

I hope you can ignore all the critical and unhelpful replies on here @CharlieBrown123
Congratulations on your pregnancy. I'm so sorry that the man you were involved with turned out to be such an idiot, from what you have told us about him I think your best option is to cut him out of your life completely.

That’s pointless advice - all he needs to do is make a court application and unless he’s Pol Pot’s evil twin, he’ll he put on the bc

Do not take him up on his offer of 50/50 when he is made it clear he's only doing this to avoid having to pay any money for the child that he fathered.
He won't care about the child's well-being, he's a selfish immature pos.

Oh come on. How many children in single parent families do we have out there? It’s worse for mental health, long term outcomes. The housing crisis because nobody lives together any more. I accept OP can’t turn the clock back. But I do feel a bit of plain speaking should happen because normalising all of this isn’t helping.

The certificate is the child's document, not the parents.

Yes its shit that he is an arsehole, completely agree he is. And I completely support ops decision to continue with her pregnancy (not that it matters what I think of course) but, that said, dont punish the child for the fathers faults.

You catch more flies with honey than vinegar. If she can establish a cordial relationship, while not a romantic one, that will be better than fighting.

Make sure the child has your last name though!

I'm Going to be blunt the the chance of this working was very slim
an unplanned pregnancy threw you together
in all honesty if you weren’t pregnant chances are you wouldn’t even be together let alone engaged you’ve both gone 100 mph you barely know each other other
won’t seem it at the moment but it’s for the best rather than being trapped in a forced relationship
let the dust settle be practical you don’t have to be a couple
lad I used to work with had a baby after a ONS they co parent fantastically because there just friend with a child rather than try to force a relationship

If you dont want to get pregnant yes it is your responsibility, he was a random stranger, the condom broke and i assume you didnt use the morning after pill,

Bless your heart this is a dreadful thing to have happened. I'm not sure he misrepresented himself - he may have genuinely meant all the supportive things he said at the start, only to panick later.
You are of course both responsible for the accidental pregnancy, but as women cannot walk away from such things as men can, it makes sense for women to be more responsible in their behaviour so this doesn't happen.
However it sounds like you are happy to be pregnant, even without the father being supportive?
I'm amazed people will so casually advise a complete stranger online to have an abortion - I'm so pleased you haven't made this decision and aren't listening to this terrible advice.
I think you did absolutely the right thing in giving this man a chance and your unborn child the chance of having a family.
It must feel terrible just now but there are lots of positives - you are financially stable and have benefit support for maternity leave, you have your own home, you want your precious baby ❤️
It may even work out in time that this man proves himself to be a good father, even if you never trust him to try a relationship with again.
I wish you and your child all the best - you dound strong and capable to me - giving someone the benefit of the doubt and trying to make something work for the sake of your child isn't a weakness or reckless. You haven't lost anything by doing this, you're in no worse place than if you'd gone it alone from the start as people are suggesting you should have.
Take care, and prioritise your health and that of your baby - and huge congratulations 💐 your little one is a miracle and I'm sure you'll make a great mum ❤️

I think you wanted to get pregnant, i think you wanted baby and marriage and hes just realised that

Remember you’ll get child benefit when the baby is born OP. That’s £108 a month.

Plus 15 hours funded childcare from 9months.

You’ll likely have to go back to work before the year is up if you’re on SMP. I’d claim CMS to help cover the other childcare hours so you can work.

Check to see if you’re entitled to any UC top ups.

Download Top Cashback and use it to get money back when buying things like the cot and pram etc.

Also apply for their passport when they’re born and keep it safe so he cannot.

I agree with @Gladystheimpaler re what happened.

But I’m more dubious on whether he wants to be an involved father. Rather the 50/50, right from the start so he doesn’t have to pay CM, tells me he has no idea what about newborn babies.
The fact he already talks about ‘having lawyers involve’ smacks of pushing an agenda onto you - you’re the bad one who tried to trap him with a baby for his money - rather than real care for the baby.

You might want to investigate now what rights you both have, think about what ‘shared parental care’ will look like with a newborn, then a toddler etc….
Fwiw newborns aren’t normally getting 50/50, even less so if you’re bfing. But rather contact is very slowly built up from an hur or two to a day etc.. over a year. Not over a few weeks.
It’s a bit dhitty to have to spend the end of your pg thinking about all of that but the lawyers involvement makes me think he won’t be easy to deal with. And you will be better off prepared, knowing what you’re happy to compromise on agd what you won’t.
He doesn’t get to call all the shots! Even he is panicked. Even if he has convinced himself you’ve trapped him etc…
Baby should come first and he isn’t doing that just now

How long had you actually known each other before you agreed to sell your house and get married? He could just be mental.

I am not convinced that a lot of PPs are suggesting that you are at any greater fault than the father of the baby. You are equally at fault. Let’s not descend into that argument.

The important thing is that a child is being born into a precarious situation regarding what level of relationship the child will have with its father.

Does it matter who is to blame. Both of you were irresponsible. Both of you made decisions that clearly didn’t work out, both of you must carry full responsibility for this.

Because you are carrying the child you are in the forefront. Let him go through his lawyer. He doesn’t have to speak to you. Why would you want to speak to him? By being upset that he won’t speak to you it is as if you are trying to invent him as a person he is not. Accept who he is, there is nothing you can do about it.

What on earth did you expect to happen? Of course he was always going to run for the hills. You knew each other a few days and next thing you have both gone 100 miles an hour, becoming a couple, moving in together and having a baby. These things should take years not weeks. The relationship was always set to fail. The pair of you have been so reckless not only with your own lives but the life of a baby. Actions that will impact for the rest of this child's life.
You are on own you so you need to decide if you cut him out of yours and this baby's life or at least make him pay towards this poor child. Whilst you wait you need to ask him to do the decent thing and provide any of his family's health issues that may affect your child now and in adulthood.
You can now only do what you think is best for your child.