Partner ended engagement at 22 weeks pregnant and now will not speak

[CharlieBrown123]

I am 22 weeks pregnant and my partner broke up with me a few days ago and now won’t talk to me.

We met in December, and the pregnancy was a complete accident - when I found out I was pregnant I felt really upset as I wasn’t sure how a termination would affect me emotionally, but after talking it through with him he was really keen to support me and for us to have the baby together despite only having known each other a short time.

I was invited to move into his house and we started going to all the appointments together, he would cry at scans saying I was his forever person and he was so excited to have a family with me. He proposed and the wedding was set for the 1st July so that we’d be married before the baby came along. A couple of weeks ago he took me to Norway to meet his family and nephews who were so excited to have a new cousin.

We did sometimes argue, well it was more a case of me just randomly crying, particularly in the first trimester, but I was assured this was a normal part of pregnancy and he was generally supportive.

On Wednesday, on our morning dog walk and quite out of the blue he broke off the engagement, he then told me I had to leave the house that day. When I tried to have a conversation about how I could survive financially through maternity leave he said he would not be providing support as he would get lawyers involved to ensure he had 50/50 custody. I have barely heard from him since apart from a few messages about arranging to have my belongings delivered back to my flat.

I have sought the advice of a solicitor and now know what my rights are, and a lovely lady at universal credit helped me understand how to support myself through maternity leave so I know that from a financial and legal perspective, everything will be fine. Emotionally I am still so shocked and confused by his behaviour, and not sure how someone can go from one day saying how becoming a family is the best thing that’s ever happened to them, to the next not even wanting to know me.

Has anyone else experienced anything similar? Does pregnancy sometimes have this effect on men? I really feel like I need some answers but I know I won’t get them from him.

I fell pregnant taking the morning after pill less than 12 hours after condom splitting. I was only day 12 of cycle so either I ovulated very early or it failed.

It’s not foolproof.

This is very good advice.

Do not let him sign the birth certificate. You will be better off without his £200 CM payment. If I was you, I would also file a report with the police. This man is abusive and this right there is the first step. He kicks you out at your most vulnerable, threatens with lawsuits over custody when he is not even on the birth certificate yet, refuses to support his child (and would you trust him to have the child 50% of the time after being treated this way?). He is manipulating and coercing you and this will get worse..

whilst you both need to be responsible for having sex and creating a pregnancy. A lot of your subsequent decisions are unilateral. You had the option to use the morning after pill or have an abortion. It was also your choice to agree to move in and get engaged. Just like it was his to propose these things. It hasn’t worked out between you both in relationship terms. That happens. It doesn’t mean you were naive or he was being false. You tried and it didn’t work. Now you have to put that behind you and build a stable coparenting environment for the baby.

I think you need to examine what you need from this man as a co parent and how best to get it. But bear in mind he could be in your life for decades. More importantly he will be in your child’s life for decades. The pair of you can make that painful or not for your child. IMO the short relationship isn’t a reason for you two not to get on. And you are both responsible for that delusion.

He's panicked with the realisation that a relationship that didn't exist half a year ago has turned into a permanent and terrifying future, and had a meltdown.

He's gone into flight mode and run away.

He's used the 'don't come after me or I'll take the child 50/50' threat as a controlling weapon to frighten you and make you back off. It makes no sense - abandoning everything one moment is not the act of a man who will take a baby for 50% of the time.

You know who and what he is now - a panicky limp lettuce chucking rocks at you to make the nasty lady and scary baby responsibility go away. You're better off without his presence.

But the baby has rights - to be properly supported and to know his father - and he has responsibilities to meet.

Well done researching your rights - ensure you take all benefits and support you can.

Take legal (not anonymous mumsnetter) advice on the advisability on putting him in the birth certificate and staying assertive about his child support responsibilities.

They decided to keep the child. OP is 22 weeks pregnant. Unless you can turn back time this is very unhelpful.

This man sounds like a textbook narc. I would file a police report and not allow the birth certificate being signed or any contact with the child. He is a sperm donor that’s it.

I also got pregnant early in a relationship. My partner did not act this way.

what could’ve or should’ve happened, why he has done what he has doesn’t matter. What matters is OP is 22 weeks and she wants the baby. She needs to keep herself and the child safe and find emotional support to navigate this. Experiencing this during pregnancy can be devastating for perinatal mental health - judgement and unsolicited advice is not helpful

What police report are you expecting would be filed?

FFS would the posters lay off the the OP.

OP big hugs to you!

My best friend went through an almost identical situation. An unplanned pregnancy with a man she barely knew who then wanted to make a go of it etc.

At the time I tried to encourage caution; plan to be a single parent and get to know him slowly.

But she was caught up in the romance and excitement of it all. And honestly I got it; how lovely if it was all true and real and she got to have this amazing beautiful story of how the universe aligned for them. She was scared too.

I totally understand you believing him and trusting the words he used but you need to step away from the situation, look at it logically and realise - you don't know this man.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and owning your own house. You will be absolutely fine. Being a parent is WONDERFUL. You don't need this reckless tosser in your life.

It just needs to be on their radar - that’s all. “ I am pregnant, I am vulnerable, he kicked me out. I am scared as I don’t know how/if it will escalate. “

OP will be advised to not give her new address and not maintain contact. If he tried to contact her or escalate, then it will be prioritised if she called again. I was in similar situation years ago, although not pregnant.

Police told him to not contact me or come near my house. The future faking, fast proposal etc and then the discard is typical abusive behaviour. Abuse does often start during pregnancy/postnatal period and someone should be aware of- be it the police/GP or a medical team.

Exactly.

In any case there's not the slightest possibility of his being on the birth certificate. He's not going to turn up at the registrars.

There are a few things here -

1. Did the condom break or not?
2. Is OP more at fault than “grade A shit” sperm donor?
3. Should said sperm donor be on the birth certificate or not?
4. Has a crime been committed?

Considerations to be taken before deciding to file a police report or not.

He hasn’t committed a crime. He hasn’t violently threatened her, or left highly abusive messages. He isn’t stalking her or harassing her with phone calls and texts. He isn’t holding her property to ransom. He hasn’t locked her out of her own property. He’s just an arsehole. The police don’t keep a register of arseholes. They can give her general advice like you mention but that’s what you’re here doing now.

Why would the police need to know about a broken condom?

I mean, he’s equally responsible is he not? He could always wear a condom and stop getting women he hardly knows pregnant.

So go plain speak on your own thread and not on that of a vulnerable pregnant woman. Your judgement is really misplaced here.

Are you saying that being a single parent is tanking her life.

Wasn't too sure what aspect of any of this would “tank her life”

Oh come on! OP has not even suggested that she is at risk of harm or in my danger. She is hurt and upset that the man she planned to
marry ended the relationship and only communicates with her by lawyer.

Where is there any suggestion that this will escalate?

You don't need to make any decisions or long term plans right now, you're in shock and all you need to do is get through each day as it comes. He's shown you the sort of person he is - someone who doesn't cope well with life changes and commitment. Better to know that now than when you're knee deep in the trenches with a newborn. I would block contact for the time being and go into self preservation mode.

Talk to your midwife so you can get any additional support you can, and take a breath. You can do this, and being a parent is hugely rewarding although hard work. Once your baby is in your arms, it'll all seem worthwhile.

You can still go to CMS if he father is not on the birth certificate

Along with the supportive messages, there are a lot of queries about the condom (which in my view is neither here nor there at this stage) so I will clarify.

I am not in the habit of inspecting condoms that are removed from men’s penises after intercourse, and in this case I also did not do that so cannot confirm its condition. However, I have pretty clear evidence that it was not effective. I did not find out I was pregnant soon enough to use the morning after pill.

To those saying this is my fault because I slept with somebody I do not fully know -this was sex while we were in a relationship and had known each other for two months. How long are these people waiting to have sex with a new partner? A year?

To all those who have provided support and advice about the current situation I am in, Thankyou. I have to admit that I am pretty shocked at the level of superfluous and misogynistic comments that are also included but I have never posted on Mumsnet before, I thought it was just a forum for mums to offer each other advice but that is clearly not the case.

I'm sorry youre going through this,op, but congratulations on your pregnancy :)

I wouldn't be surprised if he has someone else lined up tbh. Even if he doesn't, he'll go on hard on the dating front I think so just be prepared for that. There's no way he'll be doing 50/50 alone - so either he'll palm off the childcare on another girlfriend or his mum (if she's in the country).

aA man who suddenly dumps you like this is not going to be doing the hard work of caring for a child alone, his version of 50/50 will be 50/50 on paper.

Consider yourself lucky you've found now what he's like and not once the baby is here. Youve had a lucky escape!

OP I’m sorry if my messages have hurt your feelings but I’m much further into the parenting game than you area and truly, accountability and self reliance are your best friends from now on.

Nobody here is misogynistic. Surely you accept your role in all this? It’s not even really about you; ultimately it’s about the baby and everyone knows starting life with an absent dad and money problems is not good.

I would not rely on a man I’ve known a matter of weeks using condoms correctly. I had the implant for years until I was ready for a baby and then had it removed. Men cannot be trusted with what’s effectively your health and life (not theirs, as you now know).

This is all really good advice if you can get past the hurt feelings bit. I wish you well.

Don't be ridiculous
There is nothing to report, no crime has been committed! Police aren't a filing system for relationship breakdowns.

Moving in with a man she barely knows, selling her house and then marrying him, thereby financially committing to him would all be courses of action that would have tanked her life, had the man not had the sense to pull out at the last minute before it's too late.

You may not like what I have said to you OP but it's the opposite of misogyny to advise you and women in your position to protect yourselves and not trust that a man you barely know will have your best interests at heart, or your child's.