Leaving a relationship when your partner is a good man and father

[dafgirly]

Looking for advice as I’m so torn and can’t keep going round in circles in my
head. Been with my DP for around 10 years and I just feel like we’ve grown apart. It’s been 12 months since we had sex and I feel so bad rejecting him, it must be terrible for his self esteem and he’s stopped asking now. I always had an excuse but our child is nearly 4 now and I don’t have anymore excuses, I just don’t want to have sex with him.

He is a good man and an amazing father to our little one and from the outside we have the perfect life. It feels so silly to push the button on it but I feel like I’m not me around him and I’m not my authentic self. I’m snappy and moody when I’m not like that around other people. I think it’s just run its course but don’t know whether to stay for my daughter or take the plunge and leave.

Has anyone left a relationship that wasn’t inherently bad? It’s just hard because he hasn’t actually done anything and has been trying more the last few months because we’ve had discussions where I’ve said I’m not happy. I know none of my friends and family would understand but I think both of us deserve the chance to be happy. I want him to cheat on me or leave me so I have an excuse which sounds terrible I know :(

My dad fell into a deep depression and I was the one who cared for him physically (cleaning/ buying groceries) and emotionally when 11 years old.

Same

if he’s genuinely as good as you say then at least have some therapy and work out why you’ve stopped wanting to be with him.

imagine your life in 10 years if you don’t meet another decent man or even worse you do meet one and then have the same boredom and want to leave him too

The man you got with in the beginning is the man you wanted, now he’s changed and has become the sort of man every woman would want but this is not the man you entered into a relationship with.
You may have your own reasons for wanting that type of man but it would possibly explain why you don’t want to be with him now.

If you’re going to leave, it would be much better to do it now when your child is only 4 and you’re in your early 30s. That’s very young to be in a sexless relationship. What age is your husband?

Sorry - partner.

Is there a chance you’re just exhausted? I can completely understand you not having the energy for anything else if your days are long and start as early as they do.

You seem quite emotionally immature. You can’t undo this it’s not just your on again off again pattern like in your early years of dating. This will impact your child deeply so be absolutely sure of your decision. I agree therapy would be very useful both personal and couples. Try and get to the bottom of why you don’t want to be with him and put some effort into fixing it before just giving up. Your daughter will ask you one day and you will want to tell her you tried your best.

Completely agree with this.

Get therapy for yourself

I would also want couples therapy.

You have a child personally I would want to know i did everything I could to make it work.

I also have a friend who did this - everyone told her not to.

her husband is/was a very decent guy.
She is unhappier now, blowing up her life didnt fixed what ailed her.

She didnt envisage being single and raising her kids contentedly and has had an unpleasant shock at the dating scene, she has less time money and resource. The kids have also developed some emotional / psychological issues. One has ticks and is withdrawn the the is violent. It wasnt the silver bullet she imagined.

To me, it sounds like you have an unresolved issue/trauma from your earlier life with him, maybe to do with trust in some way. Sometimes it’s not obvious what it is, which makes it very frustrating to tackle, and this may be your situation now. It’s possible you are projecting your anger/resentment about whatever it is on to your husband.
Or, do you not believe, deep down, that you deserve your nice life and you are trying to self sabotage?
The mind can be incredibly devious.

Could it be that your lack of sexual interest in him is that subconsciously punishing him for treating you badly in the first few years of the relationship?

Now that he wants a stable, long-term family with you and your , you're pushing him away. You say that you were very needy in the early years of your relationship, but it was on and off, so sounds like he was breaking it off, so deep down you feel that he's not a safe person for you to be with.

I think you really have to give therapy a go - individual, then couples.

I agree with other PPs that individual therapy will help you to make a decision one way or the other, so that you can get out of this agonising limbo of "should I leave or should I stay". You may need to try several therapists to find one that you gel with.

You feeling guarded and unable to be authentic with your partner is something you should look at particularly closely, because there lies the end of the ball of yarn.

It isn't a good enough reason to stay.