Leaving a relationship when your partner is a good man and father

[dafgirly]

Looking for advice as I’m so torn and can’t keep going round in circles in my
head. Been with my DP for around 10 years and I just feel like we’ve grown apart. It’s been 12 months since we had sex and I feel so bad rejecting him, it must be terrible for his self esteem and he’s stopped asking now. I always had an excuse but our child is nearly 4 now and I don’t have anymore excuses, I just don’t want to have sex with him.

He is a good man and an amazing father to our little one and from the outside we have the perfect life. It feels so silly to push the button on it but I feel like I’m not me around him and I’m not my authentic self. I’m snappy and moody when I’m not like that around other people. I think it’s just run its course but don’t know whether to stay for my daughter or take the plunge and leave.

Has anyone left a relationship that wasn’t inherently bad? It’s just hard because he hasn’t actually done anything and has been trying more the last few months because we’ve had discussions where I’ve said I’m not happy. I know none of my friends and family would understand but I think both of us deserve the chance to be happy. I want him to cheat on me or leave me so I have an excuse which sounds terrible I know :(

Yeah at the start but looking back it was an unhealthy attachment and quite toxic. So I’m not sure it was ‘love’ in the proper sense. I was early 20s and it was very on/ off for a few years which was incredibly stressful and damaging. I had a lot going on in other areas of my life too so don’t know if I was trauma bonded to him. Looking back I wish all the times we had split up we’d stayed apart from each other without bringing a child into the mix. She wasn’t planned either before people jump on me for that too

It's not simply how unhappy you are now, you need to think how unhappy you are likely to be in 7-14 years time when you child is a preteen-teen and a raging bundle of hormones with high school/ exam stress, a time when divorce would be much more damaging, also read the threads on here from mumsnetters whose parents 'stayed together for the kids' and divorced when they were late teens/ early 20s.

You don't need to rush a decision right now, spend some time getting counselling.

@dafgirly I would think about my childrens' happiness first (if he's a decent kind man) but that's because my parents divorce broke me and got my mh spiralling and affected my school work and my future. I would never do this to my kids.

Was that caused by the actual divorce or how your parents handled the aftermath and the coparenting?

I separated from my husband in exactly these circumstances; luckily we both felt the same way once I had broached it so it’s all been very amicable.

He is happy in his own, and I have met someone who is an amazing fit for me, far more than my husband ever was.

It is a bit of a drudge going through it all, but you have the whole rest of your life ahead of you, for me the journey has been very, very worth it.

If you had a good friendship and had just lost the passion, I would advise you to stay. Marriage doesn’t have to be about romance. What you describe isn’t a happy home though, it is one filled with tension. That isn’t a good environment for your daughter. She will be picking up on the negative dynamic between the two of you.

If you leave, it may be a very long time before you have a live in romantic partner again. You
can’t go hoping to find someone new. You have to go because you believe leaving is actually what is best for your daughter.

Couples therapy? Having said that if you’ve just checked out completely theres not much point. What if you never ever met someone else? Would you still be happier without him?

Therapy for yourself, research detachment and let him know you’re taking space (emotionally) to figure out how you feel and what you need. You sound overwhelmed with the weight of everyone else’s needs, I hope you get clarity. I’m coming through a similar experience with my husband and I spent a lot of energy thinking he/the relationship was the problem but I’m actually realising I lost myself within the relationship with him and to motherhood, putting everyone else first ALL THE TIME.

Am going to go against the grain if you're married to him.

You made the decision to marry and have children with him - you should only leave if you have a better reason to wreck the family than you just no longer want to shag him.

I think perhaps see if you can get some therapy for yourself with someone suitably qualified and experienced. Perhaps someone with expertise in relationships and trauma. (So not an NHS psychological wellbeing practitioner who'll just shove some CBT worksheets at you.)

It is difficult to make decisions, let alone good decisions, when we feel like we're flailing around in the dark trying to understand why we feel the way we do. For your own sake it would probably be helpful for you to be able to process and articulate to yourself what is driving your unhappiness.

Once you know that it will be clearer what your options are to resolve your feelings, and you will be able to have more peace that you have made the best decision you were able to at the time. (There's rarely such a thing as a perfect decision, so don't hold yourself to that impossible standard.)

Based on what you've said, you're not in any danger so there's no rush to make a decision - you have time to work through this and process things.

Just partner, it’s like something in me tells me I can’t have sex with him and he feels more like my sibling 🤮. The sex has been an issue for a long time, closer to 4/5 years but I always just went along with it and now it’s like my body physically can’t. I used to have a really high sex drive so don’t think I’m asexual. We both work lots but I do early starts like 4am until about 6pm so just feel wrung out at the end of the day which he struggles to understand

Thats a bit unfair. If she doesnt love or feel attracted anymore then its selfish on partner

Thanks for your kind reply, that’s exactly how I feel, flailing around in the dark. I do have trauma from my childhood and my terrible father and I think I’m probably more damaged than I care to admit. But keen not to repeat the cycle for my daughter. Don’t know if it would be kinder on partner to split now because ultimately I do feel deep down that I would probably sabotage any relationship I’m in. I had therapy in my early 20s and didn’t find it that helpful but it’s worth trying again x

We’re not married. And sex is a massive part of a relationship to me, I miss the closeness and intimacy

Your daughter deserves you to at least try. When you have a child their happiness trumps yours. Don't underestimate the impact of divorce.

Thank you, I think you’re probably right. Definitely the first year or two of motherhood I felt like that but I do get some time to myself now , even if it’s at work and have my hobby so I can’t even blame that really!

I’m glad it all worked out for you and you can offer a positive perspective. I just Walt to press a button and it fast forward to 10 years time so I can see what decision I made and if it’s the right one. I’m only early 30s and feel like I’m going to do it, I do it now so we both have a chance of happiness x

If you split up now it could well be easier on your DD as she’s unlikely to remember much different.
Just listen to your gut - if it says ‘there is no chance of love/romance here for me no matter what we try’ you have your answer. And you can look to split on really good terms as friends, ideally.
I can only speak from personal experience but after 17 years with my DH if we ever go a week without sex we are both miserable and snappy - everyone is different but life without sex wouldn’t be for me (and definitely not for him!)
Wish you the best x

Sounds like you ,to coin a phrase , have got the ick and lME when that happens it's just impossible to feel differently no matter what you do to try and fix it .
I am so sorry @dafgirly it is so sad for you both . I wish you all the best and hope you can find a way out of this awful situation bless you 💐

Could this not be a reason you’re tired and snappy and don’t feel like sex? Maybe try just working the one job and investing some time in your marriage before you have to tell your little son you’re kicking out his daddy because you don’t fancy him anymore?

Romantic love ebbs and flows, loyalty stays.

Perhaps you haven't had a good example of what stable love looks like, if love to you is drama, chaos and toxic codependency then an absence of chaos can feel like an absence of love.

Before you push the detonate button, do everything you can to work out why you feel dissatisfied or this will just repeat, you'll just bounce from chaos relationship to boredom.

I’m genuinely not being narky but do you think I suddenly woke up one day and chose to work 2 jobs, pay for strangers to look after my child and work myself to the bone for the fun of it? I’d absolutely love the luxury of not having to work the hours I do but it’s a necessity unfortunately. And is the absolute bare minimum of a relationship not that you fancy each other? Or is everyone in long term relationships where the intimacy has gone and they’re in the roommate phase?

That’s a fair point

@dafgirly i tend to agree with you that the base of any relationship should be that you fancy each other, intimacy of all kinds trigger chemical reactions in your body that make you feel wanted and loved up, unfortunately as relationships get older they tend to turn into ‘roommate’ love instead, i don’t know if that means a relationship can remain healthy or not, i have 2 kids and my wife shows all those signs of loving me but it’s been 5 years since she instigated any kind of intimacy, i’ve given up now so i’m feeling what you’re feeling but am i prepared to rock the boat? I don’t know to be honest, like you i’m still trying to make sense of it. Surely if someone fancies you they want to be intimate, i understand that life, illness, hormones etc can get in the way but i’m pretty sure that if my drive wasn’t great i’d make damn sure i did everything i could to make sure she was satisfied, you’d do that for someone you love and fancy wouldn’t you? I think my conversation with her ended with her saying ‘you have to choose, you either stay but no sex, or you leave and get it elsewhere’ bizzare because it’s not really about what i want, i just want to see her satisfied, i get off making her get off, if i do as well than thats just a bonus really.

That’s fair, you sound very burdened and stressed, why isn’t your DH helping more with this situation? Could the fact he’s watching you work yourself to the bone contribute to the ick you are feeling? I don’t think I’d have a sex drive if I worked 50h/week and had a preschooler, honestly.

I would say fancying comes and goes with seasons, hormones, tiredness, illness etc and that the ‘absolute bare minimum’ is instead trust and respect. Do you feel your DH has your back? That he’ll catch you if you burn out? That he is a good and decent person?

There is some great advice on the thread especially as far as getting your ‘self’ back. I hear you say sex and intimacy is super important to your identity, but seeking a new sexual partner won’t fix the problem. Motherhood can leave you angry, frustrated, lost, desperate and the focal point of those emotions can be your partner… You’re feeling you need more ‘you’ in your life which you don’t currently have time for, which is hard.