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Sick of men

147 replies

Sickofdating · 12/06/2026 17:56

I have been dating on and off for 20 years, and I have yet to meet a single fully decent man. I've had several long-term relationships, and I've dated lots. And after a while, I’ve come to realise that there is something deeply wrong with almost every single one of them. My female friends, they're amazing. My female colleagues, amazing. I know it’s not universal, women can lie, cheat and be unpleasant.

But even my male friends are questionable now. I have old friends from university, and one of them, for example, has set up a fake email address so he can email me so that his girlfriend doesn't find out. My other close male friend from university locks our conversations at night, so if I message him, I don't appear in his notifications on his phone because he doesn't want his girlfriend to see.

I don’t have anything to hide! It’s mundane normal friendly messaging.

The last man I dated was going through a divorce. He had lied about how long he had been separated from his wife. Another man I met killed his wife. The number of married men at work who try it on. The list goes on.

I meet a lot of people in my life from all walks of life, and the one thing that seems to be pretty universal is that even among the really nice, decent-seeming men, there's always something hidden and wrong.

I also detest how much focus they put on looks and youth. Is there really no man with depth anymore?

OP posts:
PetulaGordeno · 13/06/2026 15:34

The three friends I have who have left awful marriages and are now happy have all started relationships with other women.
One told me she’d always known she was gay and hidden it. She waited until both of her parents had died to leave her husband. He wasn’t vile, but she carried the household.
I went to her second wedding last year and she’s so happy.
My other two friends have said they’d never even thought about other women. Both badly burned in divorces, both met the two women socially, and sort of fell into new relationships. Both friends now happy with their female partners.
My other half moaned all the way through that wedding, this is bloody ridiculous, why she’s marrying a woman? On and on it was so boring.
The only thing I can say is that while every DC involved was unsettled at first, they are all thriving now due to the fact that their mums are happy and not constantly let down.
I know it’s not the norm as in statistically speaking but every female friend I have who has started a relationship with a man in the last five years has ended up being hurt. And we are all nearly 60. All gorgeous, independent women with their own lives being lied to by grandads with attitudes.

50sandFabulous · 13/06/2026 16:20

WadingThroughWreckage · 13/06/2026 09:30

Up until a very short time ago, I would have said that a lot of men are just crap but there are some good ones out there, like my husband. We've been married for decades and he has been my best friend, my soul mate, the person who has always had my back. A wonderful father and grandfather. Truly is one of the good guys. Every other man in my life has disappointed me in huge ways, but my husband has remained strong and steady and kind.

That's what I have thought for decades. I very recently found AI generated photos of young girls on his computer. He has had this perversion for our entire marriage, and an entirely secret online life that I knew nothing about. There have been absolutely no signs or red flags - looking back I can't see anything that I would now question or feel I had overlooked. Had I not seen the images with my own eyes I would have not believed it. Even after I saw them it took me a while to believe it wasn't some sort of mistake. He had such clear moral integrity, there is no way my lovely husband would do this. He admitted it all when confronted so there is no question of it being anything other than what it is.

I am sure there are some decent men out there, but then again I was 100% positive my husband was one of them. I no longer trust my judgement about anything. I am now facing an incredibly uncertain future and am terrified I will live out my remaining years in poverty due to this man.

This has just happened to my sister. Walked in on him when he wasn't expecting it, and saw pics on his laptop of a friends 19 y/o daughter on the screen manipulated into sexy poses. I'm sorry you're going thru similar. What will you do?

Boomer55 · 13/06/2026 16:25

Well, I had a very decent husband (deceased) and I’ve got a very decent partner now. 😊

50sandFabulous · 13/06/2026 16:27

LadyLavenderUrchin · 13/06/2026 12:43

that is the most disgusting thing when you have the balls (ironic) to degrade other people's husbands. other peoples sons and brother. people you don't know. what goddess are you to spew such unquestionable truths? we are all so sorry you had to witness absolute scumbags talking disgustingly on online forums. if you used your critical thinking abilities it would make you think maybe that online chatrooms are not a good representation of the entirety of the world. because let me tell you a certain type of a man, happily married respectful of his wife and family etc will not necessarily feel the need to be online in chat rooms. ever thought about that? that the premise itself attract a majority of shits? and your ex left you for a younger girl. my son and my husband have nothing to do with that and just because your ex did that that does not give you the right to judge people you don't know. enjoy living with your cats nobody is forcing you to be with a man but to pretend that half of the planets are scum just because some men hurt your feelings is the most egoistic tone deaf attitude to have.

Not my Nigel 😆😆😆😆

LadyLavenderUrchin · 13/06/2026 16:33

50sandFabulous · 13/06/2026 16:27

Not my Nigel 😆😆😆😆

exactly. I don't know why we make a mockery out of the existence of men who are not scum. but if that makes them nigels so be it.

EmailsaysOOO · 13/06/2026 16:42

So you can stop dating men now. It isn't compulsory..Get some other hobbies and interests

DreamyLimeWasp · 13/06/2026 16:46

EmailsaysOOO · 13/06/2026 16:42

So you can stop dating men now. It isn't compulsory..Get some other hobbies and interests

Completely agree with this and the messages above

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 13/06/2026 16:52

There are a LOT of really shit men, and the harm they do to women and children is immense. I have become so disillusioned by men, the truly grotesque horrors they inflict on others is utterly sickening.

For all those stampeding to this post to yell NAMALT: there is good evidence that 30% of men in so-called civilised Western countries will rape a woman if they think they can get away with. That is ONE IN THREE men. And of the remaining 70%, many will partake in rape if everyone is doing it around them. And the vast majority of the ones who don't rape won't do anything to stop other men from raping. Look at My Lai. Look at Afghanistan and the Congo and Sudan. Look at the fact that marital rape wasn't illegal in the UK until 1991. Look at Epstein, Pelicot, R Kelly, Saville, Larry Nassar, Barry Bennell, Weinstein, Trump. Male sexual violence is not random or limited to a few rotten apples - it is endemic, highly prevalent, and it follows power, impunity, and acceptance, tolerance, or indifference from other men.

It is because of the many rapists, wannabe rapists, male enablers, and male apologists in our society that rape is essentially decriminalised in the UK. 68000 rapes are reported to the police annually. Of these, only 2% of the perpetrators are charged, and only half of those actually spend any time in jail. So only one in 100 women who reported a rape in the UK will actually see some justice. And btw, only 20% of rapes are reported, because every woman knows that she will be retraumatised 10 fold by the process of trying to bring the bastard to justice.

And that's grown women. You want to know what men do to children, to innocent small trusting children? I invite you to read the following and especially check out the graph showing the age distribution of sexual assault victims, which is based on US Dept of Justice data: it shows that of 1000 sexual-assault victims, 100 are children below the age of 5 years. So, 10% are babies, toddlers, and preschoolers. And btw, those are only the cases that were reported.

https://historyofwomen.substack.com/p/theres-only-one-reason-youre-shocked

There are MOUNTAINS of more such horrendous data, including in the UK.

And then there are also all my own experiences. All those people on this thread saying that OP must be the common denominator to her bad experiences should be fucking ashamed of themselves. I did NOTHING to invite all the shit and sometimes TERRIFYING experiences I have endured at the hands of men in the street, while jogging, while driving my car, while at school, while at university, while at work. How about when I was putting oil into my overheated bomb of a car on a deserted highway and a fucking bastard came out of his car to tell me how he likes blonds, and then he tried to grab me as I put down the bonnet: the only reason I wasn't raped or possibly also killed was because I had been on high alert from the moment he pulled over and the second he grabbed my arm I punched him in the throat and as he reeled back I pushed him with both hands into a ditch. I drove off with my car door open and only closed it minutes later, when the shaking in my entire body had subsided enough for me to dare to let go of the steering wheel.

And all of you defending your apparently pristine Nigels, I suggest you work as a bartender in a pub or club and listen to what perfectly ordinary and innocuous looking men say to each other about women and see how they behave to women. When I was a bartender, it was VERY common to see groups of nice-looking well-dressed blokes with their partners and then when the women had gone to the loo or dance floor, to hear those very same men saying the foulest most vile shit things about women.

I don't trust men at all anymore.

There's only one reason you're shocked by the Epstein scandal

No ugly details, but people need to know the facts

https://historyofwomen.substack.com/p/theres-only-one-reason-youre-shocked

MxCactus · 13/06/2026 17:18

LadyLavenderUrchin · 12/06/2026 18:46

no way do I want to make excuses for scum they don't need me for that. but with all respect, you are sick of those men you know. not the decent ones. I know I will get a lot of NAMALT comments and I don't care but come on. every time I hear someone generalise like that it is just so juvenile. nobody can actually think an entire sex is just shit just because we had bad experiences with dating 5 or 10 or 20. same goes for the mysognistic c-nts who say all women are whores and gold diggers or that everything is women's fault. it is just a very silly way to look at things. there are crap men and crap women everywhere. it is easier to find mediocre or shit people than not that is the reality of it.

I dated men and women in my time. and let me tell you all the women I dated were a lot more difficult than the men. does that make all women difficult? nope. but we should stop acting like we are the grand prize and men are just grubby monkeys.

also nobody is forcing dating on anyone. you don't have to date.

the one that killed the wife. oof. that is quite special. I am glad you did not become a victim OP. hugs.

Edited

I do have to agree with this - my DP is far, far nicer and kinder person than me. I'm sure I'm much harder to date that he is.

Also, I have two brothers - one is the kindest, sweetest man; the other is great fun but pretty misogynistic at times. Neither are putting on an act for me - but people are very different! And how shit they are doesn't really have anything to do with their sex

Lugol · 13/06/2026 17:21

LadyLavenderUrchin · 13/06/2026 13:52

there is a difference between saying there are shit men as opposed to saying all men are shit. nobody would argue the first one. that is a fact.

Who said all men are shit?

My Dad was a good man, so was my Granddad.
My DH is a good man.
My sons are good men.

There are still lots of shit ones.

50sandFabulous · 13/06/2026 17:44

Lugol · 13/06/2026 17:21

Who said all men are shit?

My Dad was a good man, so was my Granddad.
My DH is a good man.
My sons are good men.

There are still lots of shit ones.

Yeah but all women think that, until something happens showing them otherwise.

My first H, I would have said the same as you - turned out he had been cheating for the entire 20 year marriage.

My sister's DH has just been found with pics on his laptop of a 19 y/o in sexy poses, these he's known since she was 2.

I've had a man try to get into my car. I've been followed by a man with a knife. I've been beaten by a man with a baseball bat.

I'm 100% sure that my son and DH are good men. But most bad men have wives and sisters, who would say this, don't they?

category12 · 13/06/2026 18:00

And how shit they are doesn't really have anything to do with their sex

I disagree.

Patriarchy is the water we swim in, and it allows men and boys to get away with behaviour that women and girls cannot as easily.

The "boys will be boys" mentality and holding the sexes to different standards of behaviour means we get staggering outcomes like the recent case where 3 teenaged boys got a slap on the wrist for the gang rape of 2 girls.

As individuals, sure, people are capable of all sorts. But it's men as a class who are responsible for the vast majority of violent and sexual crime.

Eaglemom · 13/06/2026 18:01

LadyLooo · 12/06/2026 18:40

But 20 years???

Blimey.

Yes but look at the conditioning from such a young age as to what women are supposed to want, and supposed to be to men. Thats alot of years of gas lighting from all angles to undo.

StarCourt · 13/06/2026 18:01

Indianajet · 12/06/2026 18:37

Where on earth are you finding these men?! Your experience is so far removed from mine and that of most of my friends.

But that doesn’t mean it’s not true! I have a similar sounding dating experience over the last 30 years and I’m now 59. A few long term relationships inc one marriage and a lot of dates. I’ve had 3 stalkers, a fair few liars , a lot of misogynists, Three who were already married ( obvs I didn’t know at the time ), unhygienic men, the list goes on. So many deeply unpleasant men.

Eaglemom · 13/06/2026 18:16

Stella1366 · 13/06/2026 13:04

I wonder what vibes you're giving off. I've managed 30+ years at work without anyone hitting on me. You seem to have a lot of bad luck in that regard.

Maybe it's my age now but even back then when there was no shortage of sexist attitudes.

These are the exact kind of women who will not believe there is any kind of an issue with men, She said it herself ... any bad behaviour is obviously due to some magical "vibe" you are giving off and certainly not because too many of them are uttlerly entitled and think with their cocks.

Stella1366 · 13/06/2026 18:29

Eaglemom · 13/06/2026 18:16

These are the exact kind of women who will not believe there is any kind of an issue with men, She said it herself ... any bad behaviour is obviously due to some magical "vibe" you are giving off and certainly not because too many of them are uttlerly entitled and think with their cocks.

I'm not that kind of woman at all. I am curious though as to why some of us can manage an entire career without being hit by our male colleagues and others are harassed constantly as the OP says.

Is it the industry, is it the management, might it be the culture, might it just conceivably be something the OP is doing or saying or a particular vibe she's giving off (like some people are constantly being bullied - and through no fault of their own).

Just something to consider.

Eaglemom · 13/06/2026 20:14

Stella1366 · 13/06/2026 18:29

I'm not that kind of woman at all. I am curious though as to why some of us can manage an entire career without being hit by our male colleagues and others are harassed constantly as the OP says.

Is it the industry, is it the management, might it be the culture, might it just conceivably be something the OP is doing or saying or a particular vibe she's giving off (like some people are constantly being bullied - and through no fault of their own).

Just something to consider.

But what sort of vibes can a woman give off that means they are to blame for a man who is already in a relationship for trying it on with her?
Surely that is entirely on the man?
I don't get it.

LadyLavenderUrchin · 13/06/2026 20:37

what nonsense is that? when a man who already has a relationship tries his luck with another woman no matter what vibe she gives off is purely a dirtbag. that is not on the woman. the man decides to cheat.

WadingThroughWreckage · 13/06/2026 21:28

50sandFabulous · 13/06/2026 16:20

This has just happened to my sister. Walked in on him when he wasn't expecting it, and saw pics on his laptop of a friends 19 y/o daughter on the screen manipulated into sexy poses. I'm sorry you're going thru similar. What will you do?

I'm not sure yet. We've had a lot of discussions about what separation would look like and it's not pretty for either of us. His suggestion is separating but staying in the same house, which is not something I will consider longer than necessary. He is seeing a specialist therapist and absolutely doesn't want to split but I don't particularly care what he wants anymore.

What is your sister doing?

50sandFabulous · 14/06/2026 08:01

WadingThroughWreckage · 13/06/2026 21:28

I'm not sure yet. We've had a lot of discussions about what separation would look like and it's not pretty for either of us. His suggestion is separating but staying in the same house, which is not something I will consider longer than necessary. He is seeing a specialist therapist and absolutely doesn't want to split but I don't particularly care what he wants anymore.

What is your sister doing?

She's doing nothing for now. He said he was just experimenting, to "see what AI could do". He then deleted his hard drive, so she can't see what else he had.

She now has his passwords and full access, so she will keep an eye.

The first day she was hysterical, but things calmed down. Prior to this no red flags whatsoever in their 20 years together. They have the house, 2 kids, so the plan for now is to just be watchful.

When you say young girls, do you mean minors? My sisters DH's pic was of a 19 year old. Not good though, as he has known her since she was 2.

FelicityShagsWell · 14/06/2026 08:57

baskom · 13/06/2026 12:34

I have been single for almost 9 years now after my ex left me for an 18 year old girl he met at work, We had been together for 26 years and the moment he left I knew I wouldn't ever be with anyone again. Still have no desire to have a relationship.

I used to be the moderator on an online chat room and it's put me off men for life.. If you want to know what men are like then spend some time on a chat site.. 99 per cent of the messages i got were from married men, men in relationships, men who have just had kids etc.

I would get messages from men giving the usual 'we no longer sleep together' 'we sleep in seperate rooms' 'we are only together because of the kids' but the ones that stick out in my mind are the ones that say stuff like 'My wife is in the shower so I only have a few minutes' 'my wife has nipped out to the shop' 'Wife has left for work so now it's time for some fun' 'Wife no longer puts out due to menopause' and the worst.. 'My wife gave birth two weeks and and still isn't putting out so here I am'

The way they talk about women on these sites..they call their wives 'slags' 'whores' etc. and yes a LOT of them want to share 'unaware' pics of their wives with other men on the site, they share face pics, normal pics of their wives, say from behind in a queue in a supermarket, holiday pics in bikinis and nudes with and without face in it.. this is not allowed on my site and they get banned but doesn't stop them asking and sharing face pics in the main chat before they get banned.

Always makes me laugh when i see someone on here say something along the lines of 'My husband would never do something like that' yes, they would and they do.

I wouldn't have another man near me ever again and I have never been as happy as I am now, single with my cats and my own place.

What the absolute hell is this site?

FelicityShagsWell · 14/06/2026 09:01

One of the women in our craft group thought her dad was a decent guy until he was caught with images of children and animals on his tablet and phone. He is 67. I doubt he'd just started this hobby.

LadyLavenderUrchin · 14/06/2026 09:26

Lugol · 13/06/2026 17:21

Who said all men are shit?

My Dad was a good man, so was my Granddad.
My DH is a good man.
My sons are good men.

There are still lots of shit ones.

it was said enough times in this thread.

SamAylward · 14/06/2026 13:52

There are decent men, but the thing is they are all (or 99%+) in a permanent relationship by the time they are 30.

After that, it's just the dross.

corblimeygvnr · 14/06/2026 14:04

SamAylward · 14/06/2026 13:52

There are decent men, but the thing is they are all (or 99%+) in a permanent relationship by the time they are 30.

After that, it's just the dross.

Decent men still end up divorced - people grow apart, wives cheat. There's a variety of reasons. Do you say the same thing about women who fall into this category ?

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